Fears of the future

[PunkCroc]

I haven't posted here in a minute, I started a few months ago after discovering a lot of terrible things about my mother. I have been doing my best to have a low-contact relationship, and checking in on my dad when I can. I've gone through a job change (I now work in an ER, which is a whole new beast, I love it, but to say it isn't stressful would be a lie.) I've had to give my mom bits and pieces of information about that when she asks, but I haven't been divulging as much detail about my life as I used to. One of my aunts has also voiced her concern about how mean my mom is to my dad. Apparently she isn't trying to hide it in public as much anymore, and has begun being extremely rude to servers and retail workers as well, to the point where family goes out with her less and less because of how embarrassing it is.

Which brings me to this post.

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man whom I deeply love, and I want to marry. We have plans to move in together when I finish nursing school, and we have been discussing future career plans and combined finances. I will be meeting his parents (I've already met his brother, and he has met my sister and her family. They love him.) My dad wants to meet him, and I'd be happy to have my dad meet him. I'm just...getting nervous about him meeting my mom.

I'm not worried about what HE will think, he knows the situation, and has reassured me many times he will be prepared and doesn't blame me for who she is. I am worried about what she will do. I'm worried about her doing something that will embarrass me, or us, in public, which is bad enough, but I am worried about how she will behave when we get married.

I am divorced, and my mother did fight with me on many things right up to the day before the marriage. Mostly about me wanting to do things my own way she didn't like. My ex husband and I wanted a childfree wedding. She manipulated me into allowing children at the wedding. She did this by telling family members who had children they weren't invited/weren't allowed to come. Which is absolutely NOT what I said. Basically what we intended was adult members of the family were invited, with the assumption that if they RSVP'd yes, they had found childcare. When I hear that a couple is having a childfree wedding, I assume guests who have children have found childcare of some kind. My mom told one of my aunts and a long-time family friend that I'd said they couldn't come at all. Which was not true. First, for my aunt, my cousins were both over the age of 15. My aunt, uncle, and both cousins names were on their invitation. With the long-time family friend...I don't know what she was aiming for when she lied to her.

I chose my dress on my own, and it was a non-traditional dress (it was red.) My mother yelled at me for choosing it without her and insulted me for choosing something "Like that." And lectured me on how I would regret not being as traditional as possible. She also fought me every week leading up to the wedding about having a special song, specifically for HER to walk down the aisle. Trying to convince me that's a thing, and by not choosing a special aisle song just for her to walk, I was being cruel to deny her this "tradition." Which...I had never heard of, my sister had never heard of, and ...I was at a wedding literally a week ago and that was not a thing. I won't keep going on with the details...but it should be obvious that she wanted to make things about her, and make it the wedding SHE wanted.

Recently, she asked me how things are with my boyfriend. I said they're going well, we plan to move in together, and he has a good career opportunity with his uncle's law firm. She asked "Do I see a wedding in the future??" ...Honestly, yes, that's possible, but I didn't want to tell her that. I actually paused. I didn't know what to say. I just told her "Well, we haven't moved in yet..." The truth is I'm terrified of a repeat of my first wedding. Yes, I have chosen a dress without her again. Yes, it is a very non-traditional one again. And I know she will likely scream at me again. (I don't want a traditional dress. I never have. I don't want to waste my time trying on a bunch of white dresses I'm not going to choose, and I don't want to waste the time of dress shop associates when there's no chance of a sale...all so my mom can have what she wants.) I'm worried about the impression she will have on my future in-laws (she was not pleasant to my ex in-laws.) I dread the return of the "give me a special walk down the aisle song" fight. More stress, more arguments, more of her trying to make it about her...I look at this as the opportunity to spend my life with a man I really love, and I know she's going to see it as a second chance to have everything she felt like she didn't get to have. Especially with the new knowledge of how manipulative she actually is. What else was she doing behind my back the first time? I wish I could feel excited to tell her about this, but instead, I just want her as detached from it as possible.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm happy your relationship is going well and you are considering marriage.

As for the wedding/your mother - you will have to set a boundary and keep to it.

It could be as simple as "I am not discussing the wedding with you. I am not going to burden you with any stress surrounding the arrangements. You will get an invitation. All you need to do is turn up. The details will be a surprise for you. Won't that be nice to look forward to?"

[PunkCroc]

She will absolutely scream at me if I do that. If she doesn't scream at me, she will scream at my dad. The rest of the family, or anyone who will listen, she will tell them how cruel I'm being and how I'm shutting her out and she "doesn't know why." Not allowing her to be involved at all until the day of the wedding is just not possible with her. The fallout will be nuclear.

[notrightinthehead]

Quite possibly. But that is the thing that we need to learn to endure - that we have no influence over how other people behave as a consequence of our actions. You have a choice - you can live by your mothers' rules or by your own. You can behave in a way that tiptoes around, trying not to upset her,  or you behave how you think is right and endure her temper tantrums. That's what growing up means. To become your own person, make your own choices, and pay the consequences for them.
As for your father, he has the same choice. He chooses to endure your mothers' behaviour. I know all about it. I allowed my husband to disrespect me and yell at me for decades. I always had the option to say - enough! and walk out. But I did not. That was my choice and I paid a high price for that. Do not let your fathers' example be your guideline.  He is enabling your mothers' behaviour.  You can choose not to do that.

[doglady]

"You can behave in a way that tiptoes around, trying not to upset her, or you behave how you think is right and endure her temper tantrums...Do not let your father's example be your guideline.  He is enabling your mother's behaviour.  You can choose not to do that."



That is absolutely golden advice right there from NRITH.

My mother carried on exactly like yours just before I got married a few decades back.
Wanted all her friends there (nope), wanted a say in where we got married (not doing it in a church, Mother), got upset that my dress didn't have sleeves (the horror!), wanted me to dye my hair back to its original colour (ah, no), wanted to misname me as MRS 'husband given name and surname' (when I'd already  said I wasn't changing my surname to his)...I could go on. And on.
Oh, and she insisted it was actually 'the Mother's Day' so the mother should have a big say (funny, I always thought it was the day of the people actually getting married).

Although I don't necessarily recommend my approach, I'd had an absolute gutful of her shenanigans so one evening I drank a couple of glasses of red and rang her and told her how it was going to be (see above) and because I was on a roll I added that she'd tried to control me for 30 years and I sure as shit wasn't going to let it happen any longer, and she could choose to come along and enjoy the day...or not.
She sooked and wailed 'poor me, my vile daughter' to all and sundry, nagged and tried to guilt me. But too bad. By this stage, I'd had enough. It was Game On. 

I stood up for myself at last because there was no bloody way I wanted to look back on my wedding and regret anything about it simply because I'd capitulated to an old narcissist who usually only has to look sideways, wipe a tear, or slump her shoulder and everyone would do her bidding.
Seriously, it was her or me. And I was determined to the bitter end that I was going to triumph.
(As it was, on the day, she did end up sneaking in a couple of nasty little inclusions in her speech (which I'd also requested she didn't do). This was very annoying but hardly a surprise. After all, she had to have her revenge. And PDs are gunna PD.)

But come on, PunkCroc, your name sounds badass, so live up to it.
What's the worst your mother can do? What will this 'nuclear fallout' actually be?
Will she cry? Get ill? Scream? Make your father's life a misery? Tell relatives how awful you are? She's probably doing all this anyway. Can she actually ground you? Will you die? No.

She's just not going to be happy that it's not all going her way. Here's an excellent opportunity to train her that in future that's how it's going to be. It IS possible. What is there - really - to be scared of?

I often find when I'm facing down someone who intimidates me in some way, that it helps to imagine a support person there beside me, and to say what they would be proud of me saying. For me, that's my husband. It's like a secret superpower.

I really, really want you and your intended to have the beautiful day that you want, a day that you can look back on with fondness, knowing that it wasn't taken over by some control freak who simply had to have it all her way.

Keep sharing. We are here for you. You've got this 

[Cat of the Canals]

She will absolutely scream at me if I do that. If she doesn't scream at me, she will scream at my dad. The rest of the family, or anyone who will listen, she will tell them how cruel I'm being and how I'm shutting her out and she "doesn't know why." Not allowing her to be involved at all until the day of the wedding is just not possible with her. The fallout will be nuclear.

This is where I was 3-4 years ago. I wasn't afraid of what my PDmother would do to me, but I was worried about how she'd take it out on my father and my brother. Only slowly have I come to fully embrace the notion that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER EMOTIONS OR BEHAVIOR. In my family, all of the dysfunction essentially radiated out from that idea: "Can't do that/say that/be that, because mom will get upset." So it was huge to get past that. Especially after being conditioned my entire life to think I had to handle mommy's feelings with kid gloves.

Maybe you're not there yet. That's OK. It's not really a destination anyway, it's a journey, and this is just one part of it. But if not with your wedding, I urge you, in other small ways, to start breaking free of this dysfunctional need to "keep mom happy."