Thank goodness it's Monday

losingmyself · October 24, 2022, 08:43:24 AM

Waiting for the weekend to be over so you can go back to work. The job where you're stressed and overworked. Better than being at your own home....What a life.
I am at the end of my rope.
I have had enough. The weekend was full of yelling, then ST. It was about DD again, of course. I got called an enabler. Then he started in with the story that he does everything around the house. Implying that I do nothing. He had to help me with one thing. I did pills, laundry, dishes... you know, everything else.
Thanks to my S's, two of them, I have enough money to file. I'm so grateful and lucky.
I'm just tired of it. So damn tired.
I'm going to make some phone calls today if I have time.
Thanks for being here, everyone. I am not alone. That's one thing that helps me feel better. When I was going through the roughest of it, I felt alone, like I had to figure everything out by myself. Now I know I don't.
I never was alone. I was just convinced that I was. None of us are truly alone. We just have to be brave enough to reach out.

SonofThunder · October 24, 2022, 09:35:15 AM

Quote from: losingmyself on October 24, 2022, 08:43:24 AM
Waiting for the weekend to be over so you can go back to work. The job where you're stressed and overworked. Better than being at your own home....What a life.
I am at the end of my rope.
I have had enough. The weekend was full of yelling, then ST. It was about DD again, of course. I got called an enabler. Then he started in with the story that he does everything around the house. Implying that I do nothing. He had to help me with one thing. I did pills, laundry, dishes... you know, everything else.
Thanks to my S's, two of them, I have enough money to file. I'm so grateful and lucky.
I'm just tired of it. So damn tired.
I'm going to make some phone calls today if I have time.
Thanks for being here, everyone. I am not alone. That's one thing that helps me feel better. When I was going through the roughest of it, I felt alone, like I had to figure everything out by myself. Now I know I don't.
I never was alone. I was just convinced that I was. None of us are truly alone. We just have to be brave enough to reach out.

My goodness, i can truly empathize with ALL that! Yes, you are certainly not alone although made to feel that way by a PD. You are so very brave losingmyself! You can do this!

Walking this trail together,

SoT

bat123 · October 24, 2022, 12:48:41 PM

Weekends! What is it about weekends that triggers tantrums? This weekend he went on a cleaning frenzy, which is always a bad sign. He decided, as a part of "decluttering" MY dresser, to remove a cherished framed photo of my sister and me, which has been on my dresser for years. (He hates my sister.). He put it in the basement, and I calmly put it back. This unleashed a flurry of emotional abuse— including attacks on my family, and dredging up of past conflicts. He claims, through some bizarre logic, that I'm responsible for his feelings about my sister. And he feels that he should not have to look at her picture every day. He's at work now, and just texted me that he will "address" the issue of the photo when he gets home. It's still on my dresser for now...

bat123 · October 24, 2022, 07:04:20 PM

Thanks for your understanding, user. When he got home tonight he commented with surprise that the picture was still there. He then said he was going to "throw it in the trash." I said, very calmly, that that would be an "aggressive move." He retreated after that, and for the past few hours it's been the silent treatment. At some point I'm sure he will launch into an abusive rant or lecture. But for now, it's welcome peace and quiet! I can totally relate to what you said about how they always broaden the argument. It's a common tactic, I guess. He never sticks to the matter at hand. If he doesn't like something I've done or said, he incorporates it into a larger negative narrative about me. Because his goal is not to resolve anything—it's to win. I think they all use the same playbook. It's uncanny!

11JB68 · October 24, 2022, 08:54:09 PM

I can relate. When covid hit and there was talk of wfh I was terrified. I got through it but found every excuse to go back to the office as soon and as often as possible!

escapingman · October 25, 2022, 04:35:08 AM

STBX always kicked off on a Friday night snd Rhen blamed for always running the weekend. I worker from home the last years but I could at least hade in the office when working. But before Covid when I went on reglar business trips, I was like a kid at Christmas eve when I jumped in the taxi to the airport. STBX always tried to give me a lift, which always meant 20 minutes of her inviting an argument to make me in a bad mood when leaving.

Hang in there losingmyself, do what's best for you.

losingmyself · October 25, 2022, 07:58:09 AM

Thanks everyone for your encouragement.
Yesterday I called another lawyer, but didn't get far when I learned that the payment was twice as much as the first one I called. My DD was very encouraging, and I realized that I need to be pushed a little, or I'll just bury my head in the sand for who knows how much longer.
Last night H was in the garage, and I sent him a text that supper would be ready in 5 minutes, then text again when it was done. He came in, slammed the door, and cussed and swore at me for "constantly texting him", and how from now on he'll just come in and sit on the couch because he's not allowed to get anything done after work. This from the guy who on most days comes home and sits on the couch. Then some comment about the meal I prepared not being good enough. Then gorged himself on it. Then later, and this morning, he was sweet as pie. I'm not falling for it.
I felt a visceral rage come up in me, like I wanted to go somewhere and scream. I was enraged. But, I pushed it down, like usual, and knew in my heart that I won't have to listen to that crap for much longer. There's satisfaction in that.
SOT, I don't feel very brave. I feel weak and stupid. Mostly I am angry. At myself, at him, for the years wasted. For the loss of my kid's youth, the time we should have had together, the fun we should have had.
I am angry. I am so very angry. I don't want to be filled with this much hatred, but I can't seem to let it go. Maybe this is the catalyst I need, though.

bat123 · October 25, 2022, 09:14:51 AM

Oh, losing, I do understand those emotions. The anger, resentment, and regret can be overwhelming at times. I do truly believe that we are harder on ourselves than they are on us. I know that my internal narrative is very critical. I probably berate myself as much (or more) than he berates me. I've been working on this in therapy—trying to be gentle with myself, and have compassion for myself. I was young and insecure when I met him. I've grown and changed since then. If I were to meet him today for the first time, I'd run! But I didn't recognize the red flags back then. Life only goes in one direction, losing. We can only move forward and try to make tomorrow better than today.

SonofThunder · October 25, 2022, 10:59:21 AM

Quote from: losingmyself on October 25, 2022, 07:58:09 AMI am angry. I am so very angry.....but I can't seem to let it go. Maybe this is the catalyst I need, though.

SoT