Toxic Friend?

[Lauren17]

One thing that I've read over and over is that, on coming Out of the FOG and ending a long term relationship with a PD, you discover that you have other toxic relationships.  Well, I had reviewed my small circle of friends and was confident that I was safe from that.
Until the past couple of weeks.
I have a casual friend, who recently called me on a statement I had made, saying that it hurt her feelings.  I apologized.  I spent time thinking over the encounter, the mistakes I'd made, and my responses to the situation.  Since then, she has several times stated, "You said this, but you really meant that.  And now I'm offended."
My first thought is that she is being overly sensitive in finding offense where none was intended.  But, wait, that's a classic response that I got from uNPDxh way too many times.
I've gone over the interactions many times and, honestly, I cannot see where I made offense.  I'm also very familiar with the unfair interpretation of words/actions as an excuse to rage/gain supply from uNPDxh.  Maybe it's that?
How do you know?
I think that the main clue I have is that I've been catching myself ruminating on these events.  And I can't seem to make sense of them.

[moglow]

I'll be *that person*, so my apologies in advance if I cause offense:

She said you hurt her feelings by what you said. You apologized sincerely and told her that was not your intention. She comes back - several times, thereby confirming she held on to and mashed it around some more- saying she's offended that you really meant that and she's offended.

Okay. She's offended. She *chose* to hold on to that offense even after you apologized. So you meant it. And??? You feel how you feel, as does she. She can agree to disagree or remain offended. Bleating about being offended just doubles down on it. Changes nothing.

Idea: tell her that. We're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one. I apologized for having hurt your feelings and I meant it. I'm not going to change what I think because you choose to look for offense in something said in the past.

You don't meant to cause her harm, likely now won't want to talk to her at all. My personal theory - someone who wants a mad will find or invent one or die trying. There. I said it.

Peace, Lauren.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Lauren,

Sorry you are experiencing this behavior from someone in your current friend circle. There are two things you wrote that really stand out:

"I apologized....Since then, she has several times stated.... ."

Imo, a true friend accepts a (deserved) heartfelt apology and if undeserved, will take the time to consider any misunderstanding or even oversensitivity/misapplication on their end.  In this case, it seems your friend did not accept your apology, and since you have kindly taken the time to consider the events, she didn't deserve one.  Furthermore, she's continuing to grind her own axe on you when she's more than likely the person who needs to apologize to you for the confrontation. 

"I've been catching myself ruminating on these events"

If I can think back on a relationship and see similar patterns (now that I'm Out of the FOG), and I was now spending my precious time and energy ruminating over it, I would be letting my relationship with that person quietly dissolve, using my toolbox fully, regardless if whether they are a PD or not.  If not a pattern, then maybe they are going through a very rough personal patch of time, therefore giving them some space or forgiveness.

These negative repetitive trait types of people don't deserve any of my additional emotional energy.  Imo me trying to figure out if they are a PD is pointless to me, as the behavior is unacceptable either way and either way, the toolbox is my armor.

SoT

[Srcyu]

She's a casual friend, might be a big clue there.
The statement you made, I'm wondering if it was said in the company of others.
I would need to know that before divulging what I think might be going on.

[bloomie]

Lauren17 - if I am understanding the sequence... your friend was hurt by something you said, you apologized, and now this pattern has repeated a few times?

Seems like you have done what you are responsible to do. You have apologized and I am assuming not repeated and said the 'thing' again. Even if you don't fully understand or didn't mean offense.

So, your side the street seems to be to move on and let it go and hers seems to be to manage her emotions and assumptions around conversations she is having with you.

A simple response to: "You said this, but you really meant that.  And now I'm offended." could be something like: "I am a person who says what I mean. No hidden agenda here." and again move on and adjust the amount of time and attention you give this person who may be vying for it.

[pianissimo]

How do you know?

You don't need the answer to walk away from the situation. What happened doesn't have to mean anything about either of you. I think, if I decided that I can't change what she's asking me to change, I'd have reduced contact with the friend considering something about me is inherently hurtful for her. Not everybody gets along.

Having said that, the red flag in the situation is, at least from your perspective, 1- Her reaction seems to have come out of nowhere. Until that point, perhaps there was no indication of any problem, and, perhaps, she appeared content?  So, perhaps, you can't reconcile her hurt with your past experience with her. 2- Because you couldn't figure out what's offensive in the situations she described, she remains unpredictable to you. 3-She's not taking your word for what YOU said, and she seems to be pressuring you to accept her version of it.

I wonder if you are in doubt whether she is toxic because you feel like you don't know her well enough. If this is the case, that's a healthy perspective. But, you don't need to know more about her to draw a boundary. I imagine, you would feel uncomfortable around her, and it's fair for you to not want to spend time with her. She doesn't have to be the bad guy. You can take action against anyone that makes you feel unsafe.