4 years later - Still in the same boat

[Lotus2]

Hello - I posted back in 2019 as Lotus8, but had trouble retrieving my old account, so here I am 3 years later. My kids are now (13, 18, 19)
My friends are supportive, but don't understand what it is like to be w someone who has a PD.
Life has been a crazy roller coaster ride and I am losing my mind. 
This is the shortened rated G version.
I filed for divorce in 2019, then had to get a restraining order later that year due to drunken, abusive behavior towards me and the children, so he (uBPD) was forced to moved out. That was the most peaceful and happiest time for us.
In 2021 he tried to move back, but I was granted continued exclusive use of the house, and that's when things escalated. He told the kids that I lied in court, and had him removed from the house due to my lies, that I want other men, that they will be ruined, that he is poor with no home, that they will be riddled in college debt, that I am the devil, that I am selfish, and that he loves me so much and I am ruining the family. And unfortunately, my sons took that pretty hard and became depressed, and hated me. I did everything I could to get them back on track and they eventually did thank goodness. Then later that year, he convinced me that he changed and he begged to come back to the house to spend time with the kids before our oldest left for college. He also convinced me that he wanted the divorce and we would do it amicably, and so I gave in ( I still can't believe I fell for it).
in early 2022, he didn't pay some bills as agreed, so I wasn't able to pay the mortgage. He then got a real estate agent and convinced me that we had to sell the house. but I couldn.t find housing in my daughter's district. He then convinced me to sign post nup, and drop the divorce. In exchange, I could stay in the house, and he would move out (he signed a 2-year lease for an apartment nearby), but if either one of us filed for divorce again we "may" have to put the house on the market within 30 days.
I signed it bc I was afraid of going to trial, which he threatened would cost hundreds of thousands, and I need to keep daughter in the district. Basically, I was afraid of him.
So, three months later he decided to break his lease and move back in without asking me. and now is demanding that we reconcile. I refuse to live a lie, so I said no. He then proceeded to refile for divorce and is giving me an ultimatum - to either stay in the marriage, go to more counseling bc he wants to convince me to stay, and make an effort to get back together, OR we continue with the divorce action and we sell the house (so he can blame me for having to switch our daughter to a different school district), and then he will tell the kids again how this is all my fault.
My lawyer said I have a very good chance of staying in the house for 1-2 years or at least until I find something affordable in the district. He was (and still is) financially abusive, so it's not as easy for me to find another home.
Some days I feel strong and most days I feel like a got duped and keep falling for his tricks again and again. I just want to be free from his control! Thank you for reading if you got this far! Bless you.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry you are in this situation! Sometimes we have to make the same mistake over and over before we are willing to learn.
What helped me, was to write certain things down and not allow myself to break those rules, no matter what. So in your case, it might be, do not let him back in the house. Do not negotiate again on an agreement. Write agreements down.
It seems easier sometimes to just give in. But the price to pay for the convenience is less and less self confidence.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for posting your honest experiences.

I completely understand.....the manipulation/lies/etc... are just so powerful.   It's like getting caught in rip tide after rip tide....you just get tired of it all.

Glad to see you are back. 

Sending you strength

[hhaw]

The PD's tend to speak of peace and promise cooperation when they're asking us to give up safety and hand them the power to drag out or stop the divorce.

The PD promise to be kind and cooperative relieves our discomfort, short term only.

when we perform our end of the deal in anticipation the PD will honor their promise.

I've never seen a PD honor a promise in divorce.  It's always a trick to weaken our position and strengthen the PD's.....until we stop falling for it.  IME.

Sometimes the quickest way out is through trial court and that's not easy.  Not gonna lie.

What it is....is giving up hope, dropping all faith the PD is redeemable.

Most often the PD has to drive us into acceptance with an emotional blowtorch, bc acceptance comes hard to  co dependent and earnest people, IME.

Once we accept the PD's  truths.....we stop falling for their lies.
IME.

[Whoops]

4 years later-- I am so sorry you are having to row this hard distance.  I am rowing along too.

I think it will be so useful as we divorce to keep in mind what Planflowers said,  that PDs never keep their promises in a divorce. I like even better the word that Plantflowers used, they do not "honor" their word. It might help you and me if we can remember that they lack honor. Meanwhile we earnest honest people will get suckered in if we can't remember that modeling the behavior we want to see is a terrible idea when we deal with them!

[Lotus2]

I am so sorry you are in this situation! Sometimes we have to make the same mistake over and over before we are willing to learn.
What helped me, was to write certain things down and not allow myself to break those rules, no matter what. So in your case, it might be, do not let him back in the house. Do not negotiate again on an agreement. Write agreements down.
It seems easier sometimes to just give in. But the price to pay for the convenience is less and less self confidence.

Thank you so much. that is a good tool - to write things down.

[Lotus2]

Lotus, welcome back! I wasn't here when you were around the first time, but glad you rejoined. Wow, what a rollercoaster you have been on. I'm so sorry.

I don't have any brilliant advice for you...just know that my heart goes out to you, and we as a community are here for you.

user

Thank you! 

[Lotus2]

Thank you for posting your honest experiences.

I completely understand.....the manipulation/lies/etc... are just so powerful.   It's like getting caught in rip tide after rip tide....you just get tired of it all.

Glad to see you are back. 

Sending you strength

Thank you!

[Lotus2]

The PD's tend to speak of peace and promise cooperation when they're asking us to give up safety and hand them the power to drag out or stop the divorce.

The PD promise to be kind and cooperative relieves our discomfort, short term only.

when we perform our end of the deal in anticipation the PD will honor their promise.

I've never seen a PD honor a promise in divorce.  It's always a trick to weaken our position and strengthen the PD's.....until we stop falling for it.  IME.

Sometimes the quickest way out is through trial court and that's not easy.  Not gonna lie.

What it is....is giving up hope, dropping all faith the PD is redeemable.

Most often the PD has to drive us into acceptance with an emotional blowtorch, bc acceptance comes hard to  co dependent and earnest people, IME.

Once we accept the PD's  truths.....we stop falling for their lies.
IME.

Thank you for this. I am always hopeful that he is telling the truth and things will get better if I give in. He blames me for everything.
He calls me a bully, a narcissist. Blames me for hurting him and for stonewalling. It is a vicious cycle. But if I comply and don't mention the pending divorce, everything is perfect in our lives. 

[hhaw]

Truth be told, I think the PDs show us the lack of balance and boundaries in our lives.

If there was an easier way to learn, we wouldn't notice it, ime.  The PD's unrestrained behavior create an imperative we can't ignore.