Gone from her life without even a whimper ...

[moglow]

I've stopped contacting md, haven't spoken to her since a brief phone call early June and before that there was an even more brief mothers day call. She made one token text attempt before youngest brother's visit, indicating we needed to settle this between us ??! before his visit, then blew /all of us off and made excuses until they'd gone back home.

I dislike that my brother was hurt by her lack of interest, even while it ultimately didn't surprise me or our other siblings. My only surprise was that she finally did it to him and in front of his whole family. She has contacted him since, commenting that he made it clear he wanted to spend that time with his family. Well DUH. He traveled with them, they were here as a group and they came "here" because she's reasonably close by and could presumably arrange a visit. But no. She disregards everything and everyone outside herself, claimed lack of communications was the problem. No one engaged with her drama so she took her ball and went back inside. And there she's stayed.

I'm finding that I feel nothing, neither good nor bad, and I don't miss her. I have no desire to make or accept any contact - to what possible purpose? Our last several conversations were devoid of any kindness or concern, admittedly on either side. I found I can't pretend with her anymore and don't care to try. She's firmly severed any real relationship potential, and acceptance is hard won.

No contact ultimately came quietly, with no froufrou, no alarms or bells even. Truth be told it's abandonment more than no contact, something that I believe actually occurred a very long time ago for her and I failed to acknowledge it as such. Seems like a body ought to feel something, but no. Only regret that it's come to this. I just wish her whatever peace of which she's capable.

[Seeking peace]

I'm kind of in the same boat.I was low contact.  Haven't heard from her since Mother's Day and I haven't reached out. I do not miss her. Have no plans to reach out or reply to any contact. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years and the only couple of times she's tried to see my family have been under the circumstances in which I've told her I wouldn't be seeing her, so she hasn't really tried, only boundary testing. 
I hope she can find some peace. I know my life has been more peaceful without her in it, so planning to continue with that for me and my family. Wish her the best. I hope she just continues to not contact me. That will make things easier for me; not having to deal with the guilt of her contacting me and ignoring it.
I hope your life has been more peaceful too even though it does hurt that they just really seem to not care.

[moglow]

It does hurt at times, doesn't it? That it's seemingly a non-issue for them and their own children don't matter. I do wonder if this were the goal all along and I just stood in her way, thinking I was doing the right thing. How wrong I was!


You helped me feel less alone in it today, SeekingPeace. Thank you

[Leonor]

Hi Moglow,

I get it; my mom walked away from me over 10 years ago now and I haven't heard anything from her or my family since.

Every once in a while I'd hunt around a little bit for news. I came across an obituary that included the names of my foo, including all the members of my generation but mine. I know my mom wrote that obituary. My family is big into long flowery obituaries as if Great Uncle Tino was an Historical Figure, so I know it was deliberate. I have literally been erased.

And I was the Golden Child of the Golden Child, which made me the Golden Grandchild and Golden Niece and Golden Cousin, so it was a major mindwarp to experience the discard after saying simply that I loved her and wanted to have a real relationship with her by acknowledging the cycle of abuse by people who have either passed away or divorced "out" and heal through it.



Oh yeah, it's more quiet and peaceful, and of course they will never get within 200 miles of my kids, whom they've never met nor know exist.  I know I am not wrong or bad or demanding, and that I am compassionate and strong, and I see that they are fragile and broken which makes them cruel.

But it still hurts to realize that they really don't and never did have the slightest thread of emotional connection. They don't feel. And as someone who feels a lot, and who grew up adoring her family and especially her mommy, it's a heartbreak, too.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Moglow,

Your post really resonates. I remember the moment I first realized that actually, she had probably discarded me as well - that this wasn't what I thought it was...and that she may be 'glad to be rid of me'.

It was sobering to recognize that this person is so disordered that they don't even have the 'right' reaction to a child pulling away from them. Like you wrote about here, I remember my own moment of realization that I may have been the one who maintained contact when she was already moved on and done with me.

It is one of those things that I wonder if only other kids of narc parents can really understand, since it is so anathema to how it should go - the parent should never want to go NC with their own child, or easily discard them. But here we are.

I am sorry that you are in this same boat.

It left me feeling pretty shattered for a while - re-framing old memories and thinking, maybe she was trying to get rid of me that whole time? Like you said, realizing maybe they had this goal all along? I have wondered that too.

Over time it served to reinforce my own understanding of how impossible a close relationship with her would have been. It forced me to realize that I'm not a PD - the thought of not trying to repair an important relationship and just walking away, it baffles me. That my parent could do this, tells me that they were definitely not looking at life the way I am. That despite the DNA we share, we are not going to ever ever understand each other - she and I. Never.  I guess what i'm saying is that the stuff that you're wondering - I wondered it too, and it led to my wake up call that I am for sure not the type to behave like her, or treat people the way she treated me. In the end it was a realization that got me even more Out of the FOG.

I found an article online that explains the reasons why narc parents discard their own kids. I posted it in other media as I didn't want to derail your thread here.

Hugs to you,

Trees

[moglow]

I'm not sure I should have read that one, Trees. Staggering, the insights from strangers.

I have indeed replayed many interactions with md in my mind, trying to see any redeeming quality anywhere. Any indication I was wanted, appreciated. Seen as a person. I read and reread an old letter from Daddy, where I was assured I was loved and wanted and he had a place for me whenever I was ready (still took me a few years to leave her house). From very early on I was ignored, resented, abused and harassed (his words) - many of their issues centered around her mistreatment of me. I believe now, he left her to provide a safe home for us elsewhere. She phrased it that he left US. God, the depth of that resentment, to repeatedly tell your own children such a thing and make them believe they'd been replaced!!

Brain is spinning a bit with this today. She truly should have never had children.

[moglow]

It's a slow slog through quicksand today kids. All of this has been right in front of me all my life and I refused to see it. I was told "but she's your mother... She's just going through a hard time... Being a single parent is tough..."


Except she wasn't single other than for a few months after Daddy left. Her whole life was hard and she was a victim of it all, to hear her tell it. And a mother? Whatever minimal effort to get by with. I believed all of it even when told repeatedly what *i* had to do for her, and never dare mention what I/ her child needed. That wasn't allowed. Wow.

[bloomie]

Moglow - isn't it profound what simply stepping back and observing if our mother's will initiate any small semblance of connection with us - and in this case - your brother and his family as well, will show us?

Truth be told it's abandonment more than no contact, something that I believe actually occurred a very long time ago for her and I failed to acknowledge it as such.

This cut to my heart on your behalf. It is abandonment that happened a long time ago and when this happens we have no context for it and most often turn to ourselves as the 'reason' or in my own case as my mother screamed in my face I was 'the problem child'.

So, we keep trying. Determined to not be the reason or the problem. Determined to fix 'it'. Whatever 'it' is. And I believe this goes on for a very long time because although our mothers are unable to truly bond with and nurture their child, we are fully capable of bonding deeply and live a long many decades reaching for that illusive connection that our young hearts and souls naturally long for and coming up empty.

It feels like having cooperated with decades of duping delight.

[moglow]

Bloomie, I suspect like you, we were told it was our responsibility, repeatedly, all our lives. That we must be the bigger person, "move past it" and put aside the painful past. Mother is [fill in the blank] so you have to fix that for her. It was always ALWAYS about and for her benefit, with no inkling that we existed other than to serve.

With mine I've come to believe it's a very deeply seeded jealousy and resentment. She was the precious of her large family then my father, and having children shifted that focus off her. Both her family and Daddy turned - as families do - to nurturing and loving the children, the next generation. They admire and play with and talk to and ask about the children. Mother wasn't in the spotlight except as "the mother."

I think back to long ago family gatherings, where we paired off with one or another of our aunts and uncles, played or talked with our cousins, and remember md's repeated interference and redirection of all attention back to her. This went on well into adulthood, up to and including the funerals of her siblings, where in her mind she reigned supreme and maintained that we were there to "support" her. It honestly didn't occur we were there to honor them and support our cousins, even then it was all about her. I think of the passing and funerals of Daddy and a few months later Dad/stepfather, and her insistence that her grief was the only one that mattered, that she'd lost the father of her children [!] and her husband of 25 years. Not even a nod at OUR losses or grief, how we were coping or our obvious struggles. All of that was completely blanked, as far back as I can remember.

I have to laugh at my own perseverance, that I kept reaching out to that woman no matter her response. No matter how vile she was or what she dished, in the back of my mind she was still Mother and must be "honored." God I wasted so much time on her.

[Cat of the Canals]

Bloomie, I suspect like you, we were told it was our responsibility, repeatedly, all our lives. That we must be the bigger person, "move past it" and put aside the painful past. Mother is [fill in the blank] so you have to fix that for her. It was always ALWAYS about and for her benefit, with no inkling that we existed other than to serve.

This was so instilled in me that even as a child, I wondered what was wrong with me that I didn't feel a strong emotional connection to my mother. And I absolutely treated it as a problem that I needed to "fix." I tried and tried, and it still wasn't until my mid-thirties that I started to wonder, "Maybe the problem isn't with me?"

My mother is a clingy, suffocating Queen type, and one of the most eye-opening things was to see how quickly she reversed her cling-on behavior once I stopped trying so damn hard to please her. I have not been fully discarded, but it's clear I've been moved to a shelf where she keeps all her lesser-used toys, i.e., the ones that don't produce narc supply like the others in her collection.

[overitall]

I was labeled as a brat, troublemaker, since I can remember....anything and everything that ever went wrong was my fault...I, too, had a very difficult time having any sort of "connection" with my mother..Before my teenage years, my earliest memories are of her fighting with my father, literally throwing things against and wall and screaming...I was told early on "that's just your Mother, you need to respect her?" 
When I set forth to exit the family and saved enough money to go to college at 17 (all earned by working part-time jobs) she was FURIOUS...told me I couldn't leave, etc.  When I did leave for college, she literally GHOSTED me...I would call home and she didn't want to talk to me...In her mind, I left and she was done with me.  It has been over 40 years and it's still the same...PD moms are very very envious and jealous of anyone--once you become their "opponent" they don't want you around them.
My children's father died suddenly four years ago and she tells anyone and everyone that they were best friends...if isn't wasn't so tragic of a loss it would be laughable...he literally could not stand her...zero insight

[moglow]

Overitall, I get it. I moved out of mother's house to Daddy's the summer before my final year of high school and my two younger brothers moved as well within a few months after. I remember being at her house later that year and there was no sign she had any children. None. She'd removed all evidence, including removal of any/all winter clothing, bikes, etc. Bedrooms had been dismantled, beds removed, closets emptied. I imagine an ugly scene where she trashed everything left behind and threw it into the truck for disposal. It was made very clear we didn't belong there. Later I remember seeing pictures of her sisters' grandchildren on her fridge, but none of her own were on display anywhere. To this day she has no relationship and hasn't seen any of her grands in several years. We didn't exist so I guess the kids don't either.

Cat, mine was an absent abandoning queen/witch. I guess that should be a good thing but somehow it was always twisted that whatever "tragedy" in her life I was somehow responsible. It's so weird finally talking with my brothers about her/her stuff and realizing what's been said all these years, she obv played to whatever audience at the time, the whole divide and conquer she had in her head. Truly the hardest black/white, good/bad, all/nothing judgmental bs I'd ever imagined.

[overitall]

Moglow, I totally get it...my uBPDm had the house remodeled when I left for college and completely removed my bedroom...redesigned the house so you would never know my bedroom existed...she didn't touch anything else but that...she made it very very clear that I was out of her life and not welcome to ever return....it was pretty difficult at the time and I didn't understand the dynamics of BPD...I sure do now though 

[The Butterfly Effect]

I'm finding that I feel nothing, neither good nor bad, and I don't miss her. I have no desire to make or accept any contact - to what possible purpose? Our last several conversations were devoid of any kindness or concern, admittedly on either side. I found I can't pretend with her anymore and don't care to try. She's firmly severed any real relationship potential, and acceptance is hard won.

No contact ultimately came quietly, with no froufrou, no alarms or bells even. Truth be told it's abandonment more than no contact, something that I believe actually occurred a very long time ago for her and I failed to acknowledge it as such.

Your words deeply resonated with me Moglow. Perfectly summed up.

I too don't feel anything. I'm comfortably numb. I don't hate her. I don't love her. I pity her.  What I thought was silent treatment - a tried and tested stubborn and rail roading  attempt on her part to bring me back into line - actually morphed into NC/discardment.  Though hurtful and emotionally/psychologically painful, I hope your situation brings you peace  ultimately.

[Leonor]

Oh, the funerals, yes, I experienced that too. My parents divorced when I was too young to remember and she remarried and divorced again, but when my father died she made it all about her, made me stay with her, sighed that he was "her first love!" As if my dad passing was something that happened to her.

[moglow]

Today I'm back exploring Elizabeth Kubler- Ross' five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I've reached a point in all this where to all intents and purposes I've been orphaned. As mentioned above it seems I was abandoned a very long time ago, while I clung to the idea that I could somehow change things. Fix things, fix her. Make a relationship at least okay and reasonable between us. All the while, that's not what she wanted - she wanted the strife and anger and bitterness and ultimately the isolation. Such idiocy and sheer audaciousness, that I insisted on "better" and tolerated the most vile treatment all in the name of "mother."

What's stupid about all this is the "you can't fire me, I QUIT" mentality that we've attributed to some of our ignoring/abandoning parents. Well hell, isn't that what *I* am doing, firing her?? Whining about my mother abandoning me when I chose no contact? I've been beating myself up over becoming "her" and  doing to her as I've been done. The difference - bear with me here - is staggering.

Abandonment like this is an erasure - facing it head on right now and knowing I've never been seen or appreciated by my mother, I'm dealing with a hard dip into depression and trying to work my way out. But what I'm seeing now of no contact is - acceptance. I've done everything. Tried everything. Been used and abused and mocked and demeaned, all in attempts to maintain any relationship with mother. No contact is self preservation. It's accepting that I can't and will never do it alone, and I'm choosing to step away from that abyss.

Is no contact as selfish as I feel she's been? Maybe. But maybe it's past time for some selfishness and self preservation on my part. Finding an overdue peep of clarity and a lift in my mind. 'preciate y'all being here.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't really follow your post, Mo. I don't see the similarity at all, except in barest surface level of the fact of your estrangement. Or maybe that was your old thinking?

You have reached this point after trying everything under the sun and sacrificing your mental health and and and... You've done much more than your part. Your mother... didn't have it in her to try and decided to blame little Mo rather than face the fact of her own wounds and difficulties. ("You've got to fix this!") You have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that is impossible for you. You are not the same at all!

You can feel bad about needing to do that without feeling bad about YOU. You are not an idiot or audacious for trying. You are a normal person who wants to be loved by the person who after all brought you into this world and whose duty it is to love you for goodness sakes. She wouldn't do it, so now it's up to you.

[moglow]

You are not the same at all!

I'm so glad you said that! All this time I've felt guilty and beat myself up that I'm doing like her - BEING her - in finally choosing no contact. The "shoulds" have been eating me alive and dragging me down. The stark realization that I don't and never really existed for my mother has been painful. Some small something inside always believed there was some redeeming factor there. Somewhere. Except there's not.

It's kind of freeing today. Bless you, friend. Bless all y'all!

[overitall]

Moglow, I literally spent years wondering what was wrong me me...What did I do?  What did I say?  Should I have reacted to this differently, etc.?  One day, my husband literally just said, "you didn't do anything at all...she just doesn't like you...period"  WOW, it's true...she just doesn't like me...doesn't matter that I'm her child...I cannot tell you have much that one statement allowed me to heal...it's not you at all...it's her and she lacks any maternal connection to you...

As an afterthought, years later my father's sister finally confessed to me that she had never experienced a person (my mother) treat their child (me) as cruelly as she did to me.  I guess in my family, relatives chose to stay on the sidelines and not say a word...

I hope this helps with your healing...it's an ongoing process, but remember how wonderful you are...

[moglow]

years later my father's sister finally confessed to me that she had never experienced a person (my mother) treat their child (me) as cruelly as she did to me.  I guess in my family, relatives chose to stay on the sidelines and not say a word...

I'm guessing like mine, she knew the repercussions of confronting your mother and just said no. I remember looks between my aunts and older cousins then someone would intervene by way of distracting her. I suspect we all had guardian angels who stepped in where and when they could, diverted traffic so to speak so we could get through with some decency and sanity intact.

The letter Ive mentioned from Daddy [when I was 12-14ish] is a mind bender - I vaguely remembered reading it then again years ago but never really registered with me. He wrote about her alternating neglect, cruelty and outright harassment of me even as a very small child. He'd wake up to find me standing by his side of the bed, waiting to be allowed up. She'd get angry to find me there later. ALL the signs were there and I kept on ignoring them thinking I could reach her. How incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking that had to have been for him! Knowing THIS is the mother of his children and there's nothing he can do about it?? Worse, we were trapped because courts of the time insisted children belonged with the mother. I'd give anything to be able to talk with him again, let him know what it all meant for us that he kept reaching out no matter how discouraging it had to have been.