Why does this still make me squirm...

[Tribe16]

On the surface this may seem like a completely benign conversation.
But it just sucks the life out of me.

Me: "Calling to say hello and see how you're doing."
Mom: "Fiiiiine." (upspeak, ending on higher note as if skeptical or condescending).
Me: "Anything new or exciting happening?"
Mom:" NoooOOOOOOOOO". (same upspeak).

Pause...
Slight panic feeling because I never know where to go with this.
I can't share any significant news with her because she seems disinterested.

Me: "So the kids were here last weekend, just for a quick visit, less than 48 hours – I think you saw the pictures on Facebook" (I know she did because she liked them).
Mom: "Uh huh. How did that go?"
Me: Wanting to tell her we had a wonderful time and be more descriptive but knowing I have to tone it down "It went well, everybody had a nice time together."
Mom: "Well, we're getting ready to eat lunch, Is P doing ok? Are you ok?"
Me: "We're both all right, work is a little hairy but we're doing well."
Mom: "What's wrong with work? I thought you LOOOOVED what you're doing? I thought you had your DREEEEAM job?" (passive aggressive mocking tone)
Me: "I'm all right. Work is work. There's just a lot of it right now."  Why did I even bring this up?
Mom: "WELLLL, if you're doing so WELL, you can afford to hire someone to do some of it FORRR you." More condescension.
Me: "OK Mom... well I don't want to interrupt your lunch, I'll talk to you another time."
Mom: Mocking under breath laughter, "OkaAAAYYY. Talk to you later. Bye."
Me: "Bye."

I wish I could just brush this off and not give a poop. I'm questioning myself and telling myself I'm making a big deal about nothing. But this is not a normal mother-daughter relationship. My daughter and I would NEVER have a conversation like this one. This is how my mom tells me how little I matter without telling me how little I matter.

[Sneezy]

There is no genuine love or care in what your mother says or how she says it.  Just reading this, I get no sense of "you're my kid and I love you" in this conversation.  I'll bet that when you talk to your daughter, it comes through loud and clear - she is your daughter and you love her and care about her and it gives you joy (and pride) that you raised such a great daughter.

Then there is the fact that you have to be on guard and be careful what you say.  Because anything you say can be used against you later (as in "I thought you loved what you were doing").  So you need to keep your mother on an information diet and that can make any conversation a little awkward.

I mostly call my mom because I feel obligated to call her.  I dread the conversations I have with her, and, just like you say, they can suck the life out of me.  Conversations with mom are usually all about how awful she has it, how mean everyone is to her, how unappreciated she is, how bored she is, and how she suffers.  Sometimes she is in the mood to say mean, spiteful things about others (making me wonder what she says about me).  And then finally there is the prying for information that can be used to gossip, generate additional phone calls, or to twist into something completely different when the mood strikes her.  You're so right - this is not how mother/daughter relationships should be.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Srcyu]

She's rude and disinterested all in one drawn out word -' fiiiine'
Her 'nooOOO' indicates that she can't be bothered to speak to you until you let slip about work of course.

I recall ringing my mother once when I was away on holiday. I was fairly young and had never gone on holiday without my parents before. I mistakenly thought she would be glad to hear from me and interested in how the holiday was going.  Absolutely not. She was distracted and completely disinterested. I could barely get her to speak.

It was many years later when I decided that I no longer wanted to speak to her.

[lkdrymom]

Well now you  know that you no longer need to call her as often as you have been.

[SunnyMeadow]

Wow Tribe16, your description of this call took me right back to those same calls to my uNPD mother. 

This is definitely a sign that you don't need to call her very often. No point to it.

[Tribe16]

Thank you.

It's distressing - those calls are the gift that keeps on giving. I think I will hold out now until the group phone call at Thanksgiving when I'm with my kids and she'll have to "play nice". It will still be a short phone call because she doesn't do long, chatty calls very well anymore, but she will be very sweet with my kids on. Then I will have done my due diligence.

I do appreciate the validation - sometimes the voice in my head goes round and round "Is it me? Is it me?"

Windmill, I totally relate about the holiday call - Hubby and I are taking a cruise in February to celebrate a big anniversary, and I haven't said a word - because the last conversation about a trip with daughter and granddaughter was met with icy silence - literally. When asked what was wrong, she replied with something along the lines with, "I guess I'm really tired and don't really want to hear about your jet-setting all over the place." We went to Philly for a weekend for a medical visit for my granddaughter who has a rare condition - Philly happens to be where the foundation that researches this condition is. Jet-setting. 

24 hours goes by and I get over it until the next go-round.

Wishing you all a PD-Free day!

[The Butterfly Effect]

Your narrative reminded me of my endless conversations with uNPDm.

Her indifference to me and my life  became all too consuming to me. I would feel a visceral change in me when we talked. She would either feign interest in my positive news, minimise my difficulties or switch the conversation onto herself and talk about my siblings, the news and the weather.

I learnt gray rock. I wouldn't tell her anything of relevance in my life. Anything good/positive tapped into her jealousy and provoke her envy.  She would use my vulnerability at a later date or use it to subjugate me so I learnt to play down hardships. My enforced self apathy and choreographed responses would then be met with her indignation whereby she would tell me I was secretive and that I don't share what's going on in my life 

These conversations and her conduct operate just below the radar. Enough for you to be acutely aware what her words, tone and banal responses actually mean,  but also enough for her to play her hurty victim card if you dare questioned her digs.

Gray rock is a very effective tool to help keep your sanity and well-being in check.

[The Butterfly Effect]

There is no genuine love or care in what your mother says or how she says it.  Just reading this, I get no sense of "you're my kid and I love you" in this conversation.   

Then there is the fact that you have to be on guard and be careful what you say.  Because anything you say can be used against you later (as in "I thought you loved what you were doing").  So you need to keep your mother on an information diet and that can make any conversation a little awkward.

I mostly call my mom because I feel obligated to call her.  I dread the conversations I have with her, and, just like you say, they can suck the life out of me.  Conversations with mom are usually all about how awful she has it, how mean everyone is to her, how unappreciated she is, how bored she is, and how she suffers.  Sometimes she is in the mood to say mean, spiteful things about others (making me wonder what she says about me).  And then finally there is the prying for information that can be used to gossip, generate additional phone calls, or to twist into something completely different when the mood strikes her.  You're so right - this is not how mother/daughter relationships should be.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

ALL of this Sneezy!  You've summed it up perfectly! 

[Tribe16]

I learnt gray rock. I wouldn't tell her anything of relevance in my life. Anything good/positive tapped into her jealousy and provoke her envy.  She would use my vulnerability at a later date or use it to subjugate me so I learnt to play down hardships. My enforced self apathy and choreographed responses would then be met with her indignation whereby she would tell me I was secretive and that I don't share what's going on in my life 

These conversations and her conduct operate just below the radar. Enough for you to be acutely aware what her words, tone and banal responses actually mean,  but also enough for her to play her hurty victim card if you dare questioned her digs.

Gray rock is a very effective tool to help keep your sanity and well-being in check.

That's pretty much what's become of our conversation. She ripped me a new one several years ago when I complained about a boss - she had an explosive, completely overreactive response. It made no sense at the time, but "slow me", I realized that she was not in a place to sympathize or empathize like she may have in the past. She had become increasingly "one-upping" about how her life and situations were so much worse than anything I was going through. It was then that I finally realized I couldn't share anything negative with her.

And not long after that, when she was being stony-silent about good news, I realized I couldn't share that with her either.

So those two factors make conversation extremely limiting. I'm left to "How are you doing" and weather/current events and not much more.

The facts are she never calls me. She never checks in with me. She called 6 months ago to tell me my uncle was dying. I'm sure it had been close to 2 years before that, that she actually initiated a phone call. She responds with heart emojis if I send her a pic of the grandkids. But probably due to good girl syndrome I continue reaching out. I talk to my dad every week. He rarely if ever calls me either. But he is always kind and tells me he is grateful that I called. He rarely has anything to talk about and is kind of a prisoner in his own home - he doesn't drive any more. Mom takes care of his physical needs if not mental and emotional. They're just sad. They won't get help, won't go into assisted living, Mom scoffs with derision and the suggestion of it, and it is always met with "You just don't understand" which is her favorite response to nearly anything I have suggested, but that is where she likes to leave it, and never wants to elaborate about what it is I'm not understanding. And she's right, because I can't understand their flat, uninspiring, uncurious, unloving, resentful mode of existing.

[olivegirl]

The passive-aggressive sneering really triggers my emotions.

I feel their contempt and penchant to humiliate me in front of others. 

I have tried to go gray rock.  So many times!

But because my parents are relentlessly vindictive and obsessed with "winning," they enjoy escalating their toxicity and become very very domineering, verbally abusive and disrespectful to me.

[Tribe16]

The passive-aggressive sneering really triggers my emotions.

I feel their contempt and penchant to humiliate me in front of others. 

I have tried to go gray rock.  So many times!

But because my parents are relentlessly vindictive and obsessed with "winning," they enjoy escalating their toxicity and become very very domineering, verbally abusive and disrespectful to me.

I'm truly sorry you're experiencing that Olivegirl. Do you live nearby? Can you cut the time you have to be around them in half? and then cut it in half again? I don't know what the answer is, I guess the best revenge is to live your happiest life in spite of them.  {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[1footouttadefog]

I would have a very difficult time continuing to make those calls. 

I am sorry.