PPD Father-in-Law passed away

[Big Bear]

Greetings online friends,

     Several months ago my father-in-law (FIL) passed away.  This has been a great source of relief for me and my wife.  I believe that for the last five years of his life he suffered from paranoid personality disorder (PPD).  While he was not formally diagnosed, he displayed almost all of the traits of this disorder based on my research and observations.  In spite of the fact that a close family member repeatedly urged him to visit a mental health professional, he stubbornly refused to receive help or take medication for this condition.  Ironically, his condition made it nearly impossible for him to receive professional help as he did not trust outside advice.  I have spent the last several years in VLC.  Once I realized this condition, I ceased travelling to visit him and limited communication.  I would only talk to him when he initiated contact.  When he would call or visit I would strongly grey rock / medium chill throughout the conversation.  One time he asked me in a phone call to convince a close family member that he was not crazy!  If he could not change this person's opinion, how on earth could I succeed?  Anyways, I never did take him up on that offer.  When his break-down really began in earnest, he was banished from the social group he would visit weekly.  After several angry and paranoid outbursts from him, this group revoked his membership and warned him that if he ever set foot on their property again, they would call the police for trespassing.  His paranoia quickly alienated him from almost all of his friends and family members.  One by one, he pushed people away from him until he had created a large defensive space around himself.

     At first this was very difficult for my wife and I to accept.  It took a toll on us emotionally at the beginning. We had very strong emotions early on.  At first we were hoping that he could get help, but after we realized that he had a full-blown personality disorder, we slowly realized that this would be almost impossible.  It took time for us to detach from the drama and separate our emotions from the situation.  The situation also made our relationships with my wife's siblings difficult as this became a giant elephant in the room.  If we said anything about it, we felt like we were simply making it worse.  If we ignored the situation, it seemed like we weren't being genuine with each other.  We continued on the best we could like this for several years.
     A while ago ago my FIL was diagnosed with a terminal medical condition.  After this diagnosis we had a video call and later a phone call with him, but that was all.  Neither of us traveled to visit in person as we live in another state.  Also, although his body was physically alive, the relationship between us and him was essentially non-existent, so an in-person visit would not really be worth the draining experience that would entail.  Four months after his terminal medical condition was diagnosed, he was admitted to hospice and passed away several days later.

     We attended his funeral and I grey-rocked / medium chilled big time!  During the service I read a poem, but I didn't say anything personal at all.  This made it altogether a difficult experience for me.  I'm naturally an expressive person, so it was hard to keep mum.  However, my rationale was simple: I didn't want to say anything good, as it would potentially invalidate the hurt that I knew some of those present were experiencing.  Conversely, I didn't want to say anything bad, as it would not be constructive or beneficial to anyone.  If they were at all close to him they would have experienced the truth of the matter first hand, and didn't need anyone to remind them about it.  If they were more distant from the situation, then it wouldn't matter that much to them anyways.  However, being a human being makes it natural to want to share experiences with others.  So grey-rocking went against my nature.  However, I am glad that I was able to GR / MC my way through this family event.  I thought of myself as a spectator, viewing the event as an outsider.  It was an uncomfortable experience to have to be this way the whole time.  I can say that as soon as I left this event, I felt a huge sense of relief.  Although I did experience some feelings of grief, I mostly felt relief.  I was thankful that this season had come to pass.  It was such a feeling of relief to know that I had made it through and I could move on in life.

     Thanks for making it through my rather long post.  Also, I wanted to say thank you for all of you who post here.  Reading the forum has been very helpful and encouraging as I navigated this season of my journey.

Big Bear

[bloomie]

Big Bear - how sad that your fil's behavior deteriorated to the point of self isolation. From what you describe you and your wife worked through some very difficult and complicated family dynamics with all of this. I have heard it said that at every graveside there are the grieved and the relieved. Well done to approach this painful period of your life with such dignity and to find a way to be present, compassionate, and to do no harm at your fil's memorial gathering, but I imagine you needed quite a bit of time afterwards to process and work through the emotional toll it had to have taken.

Thanks so much for sharing how you navigated this tough time.

[Big Bear]

Greetings Bloomie,

Thank you so much for your understanding and validation.  This has been a difficult season for us.  The decision to not visit FIL in person after learning about the terminal illness was criticized by people who are still in the FOG or who don't really understand our experience.  After learning about the diagnosis, a close family member who knew all about the paranoia told my wife, "I think that you need to go visit your father".  For a while she was really vacillating about whether or not to have an in-person visit.  The only real motivations would have been guilt or obligation.  (The O and G from FOG!) A close friend also encouraged her to have an in-person visit with him.  After the video call with FIL, she realized that there really wasn't much of a reason for the extreme efforts to muster an in-person visit.  I supported her 100% in this decision.  I think this was the most honest and genuine response from us.
We didn't want to pretend that something existed that did not.  We did not want to pretend to be a happy family when that was so far removed from the truth.  Reading the forums here has strengthened my ability to choose what we are really able to handle and have healthy boundaries.   

Several months after the official memorial service my wife and I buried the ashes of FIL with just a few family members present.  MIL did not want the ashes, as she had experienced too much hurt, so she offered them to her adult children.  My wife and I were the only ones who were willing to accept them.  This was a second but much better moment for additional closure.  This did cause previous emotions to resurface as a second wave.  However I think that we tried to remember him as best we could.  This helped me to be able to move on. 

Has anyone else had a close family member or friend suffer from paranoia?  What helped you get through the experience?  How did you have healthy boundaries from the paranoid person?

Big Bear

[square]

Big Bear,

Sorry you and your wife had to go through a painful relationship with your FIL, and that the issues were not respected by others.

Thank you for being supportive to your wife.

My husband meets the criteria for PPD, but also has other mental health issues. I'm managing right now because he and I both were able to make positive changes, and he is managing the issues well with medication (PPD seems to be a secondary issue, but the most painful to me). I was not able to manage it when it was bad, it was so painful that I still visit here every day. If he was my father, I would have stayed away from him, and that would have hurt, but less than dealing with the PPD.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any ideas to offer, but I wanted to reply because there are not as many people dealing with PPD on this board. Whether it's less common or it's just that people with PPD are less likely to have close relationships, I don't know.

But the key with any PD, I think, is to sort out what's their stuff and what's yours. It's tough because they will tell you clearly that all the liabilities are yours, and it's hard to shake that. We have to learn to say, this person is mentally ill and I can't take their ideas seriously. To do a review of ourselves and then with confidence own our stuff and leave the rest behind.

[Pepin]

Has anyone else had a close family member or friend suffer from paranoia?  What helped you get through the experience?  How did you have healthy boundaries from the paranoid person?

Big Bear

Yes.  My late CN MIL also suffered from PPD and it caused a lot of anxiety.  I believe that her paranoia was mostly fueled by money.  Like your FIL, she denied herself medical care thinking that it was too expensive despite being on Medicare.  She cut pills in half or decided to stop taking them when she felt better - not understanding that her medication was largely covered as well as her medical visits.  If she was in pain, she'd complain but do nothing -- and then when she was given a protocol, ignored it.  She also skimped on food, denying herself thinking that if she ate too much she would get fat.  If we went out to nice restaurants she would order the cheapest entree or something from the kids menu just to spend less money.  All of her kids were considered her contractors per se as she didn't want to pay a handy man or anyone else to fix or update things.  Even getting a new roof and HVAC was a challenge.  She just wanted to spend as little money as possible on anything so that she could gift as much as possible to her children.  Seems noble doesn't it?  But, it wasn't.  It was her way of making her children comply with her demands, pure manipulation.  At her death, she had plenty of money to have covered whatever she wanted to do during the last 10-15 years of her life.  And then she went ahead and gave away different amounts of money to her children rather than splitting it equally between them.  The point is, none of her children needed HER money as all of them were successful and doing well.  Sure, it is nice to inherit some extra but it really didn't change anything the way she envisioned it would - but she's not here to know.  And her paranoia around money and the dispersal of her estate blew the siblings apart. 

It was extremely difficult negotiating with her.  She was very set in her ways.  And if she did agree to another point of view, it was temporary before she came up with another strategy that would lead to her getting what she wanted.  It was exhausting trying to convince her to spend money on herself and her home.  She thought everything was too expensive when it really was not.  She didn't understand the prices of things because she never sat down and did any research.  And she didn't want to do any of that anyway.  It was so difficult to see her like this --- caged by her own paranoia.  I know money was an issue in the past for DH's family so this is likely where much of this stems from.  She denied herself so much -- which in turn denied her children with having what I would consider a normal relationship with and aging parent.   I am certain that it pained her that her children were living the sort of life that she wished she had rather than being happy for them.  I really do. 

As for boundaries.....ugh.  I really don't feel that any of the boundaries actually worked.  Like I said above, she'd work different angles to get her point across.  It was maddening and twisted.  Towards the end, those siblings that were near by just kind of became robots while the others that lived farther away used distance and work as an excuse.  We were all just tolerating her until her end.  I feel that moving her into AL years ago would have been a better option - but I think that everyone was afraid to do it.  We all knew she was incompetent....and a diagnosis wouldn't have made it any easier.  She remained in her home until her end and it actually ended up being the cheapest option...

[Big Bear]

Square,

Thanks for responding.  I'm so sorry to here about your husband's mental health issues.  My FIL's issues took a toll on me and he lived hundreds of miles away!  However, I'm encouraged to hear that you are making progress.  Hang in there! 

I agree that the my stuff / your stuff principle is so important.  With the PPD I also noticed a felt need to externalize blame.  Instead of 50 / 50 it was like 0 / 100!  I'm not sure exactly what drives this, but it appears to be some kind of defense mechanism rooted in fear or insecurity.  It still hurts to anyone who happens to be in his path.  Being around that was hard for me.  I understand the my stuff / your stuff as an idea, but I'm still working on improving my ability to live this out.  It can be harder to practice in real life.  Also my "PD radar" has grown since my experience.  I'm looking out for the signs of PDs in people and this helps me be more proactive.  This has become helpful for me in the workplace and in dealing with family.  When I start to notice PD signs in people around me I become more vigilant than I would have in the past.  I quietly adjust my expectations and try to stay safe.

Take care of yourself!

Big Bear

[Big Bear]

Pepin,

Thank you for responding.  I can feel so much sympathy with what you experienced with your MIL.  My FIL was also very set in his ways.  Towards the end his close family members all strongly encouraged him to go to an assisted living facility.  He resisted this with every ounce of energy he had left!  He called me repeatedly hoping that I would try to convince the others to change their minds!  : (  His family wanted to help, but it was not accepted.  It seemed like the harder they tried, the more he resisted.  I think that the real change came with me.  I just had to change myself on the inside.  I became less concerned and tried to become more neutral.  It was still hard to witness, but it became more like something was going on far away, rather than inside of me.  I guess that was the one boundary that made a small difference for me.

Too often the mind deteriorates before the body.  It is hard when the ones left behind have these scenes as the last memories of their family member.  I'm hoping that when I become elderly that I could be calm and pleasant for my family.  Maybe this is easier said than done!  I guess it doesn't hurt to hope it could be possible!   

Take care!

Big Bear   

[square]

With the PPD I also noticed a felt need to externalize blame. 

I totally agree, blame is basically my H's main preoccupation. I've written here before about how even in urgent, time sensitive situations, solving the problem or figuring out what to do or taking action takes a backseat to sorting out blame. And of course, it's never a logical sorting out of "I probably should have this, and you probably should have that," but a huge emotional fight to the death about how it was all someone else's fault, usually mine.

I also agree about insecuriry driving this. I have seen my husband in states of exrreme vulnerability. He carries deep shame. He believes, for example, it is his fault his father abandoned him. He has a visceral, existential terror of it, and it feels like ordinary instances of fault just add to a weight he already can't carry.

The your stuff/my stuff concept is rather simple on the surface, but it's taken me years to get to where I am now, and surely I have farther yet to go. It's one thing to understand something intellecrually, but another thing to really get it on a visceral level. It seems like a series of aha moments combine with making incremental changes that can be learned from is something that takes real time and effort.

Wishing you a good joirney.