Stbx blames me & the pending divorce for the children's "issues"/insecurities

Lotus2 · October 29, 2022, 11:49:42 AM

my oldest (19) is not having a good experience in college. Due to shortage of housing he has to live off campus and was not able to find his "tribe" yet. plus he got hurt and could not join clubs early this semester. also , he always had insecurities bc he is very thin, and now it's getting worse.

Stbx is blaming our son's issues on me and the divorce. Says if we are together the problems will be solved right away and if we divorce and sell the house, our children will be doomed and will be failures. he says he is clairvoyant and can predict their downfall He threatens to tell them the divorce is my fault bc he loves me and I am not forgiving him.

the fear and guilt is too much to bear. I can barely function at times. My choices are to leave and risk that he will make the situation worse for the children or stay and he will magically make all issues go away.

I am trying to detach and not listen to him, so that I can move forward in helping my son. Anyone had experience with this kind of issue?

bat123 · October 29, 2022, 02:06:00 PM

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, Lotus. I've had a similar experience. My 21 year old son has battled anxiety and depression for several years, and it got worse during covid. (He's doing a little better now.). But my uNPDH has blamed me, saying that my parenting style caused and worsened his issues. It's a horrible feeling to be blamed. I'm a devoted mother and try to support my son to the fullest. It's devastating to be blamed, but I know deep down that I'm a good parent and it's not my fault that my son has struggled. I've often blamed myself, though, for staying in a disfunctional marriage all these years— I'm sure it has impacted my kids. Maybe just remind yourself that you can be the best parent to your kids if you're in a healthy space. Which it sounds like you're not. I hope you can move forward and heal.

Poison Ivy · October 29, 2022, 02:54:29 PM

This: "remind yourself that you can be the best parent to your kids if you're in a healthy space."

Also, if you stay, your husband will not "magically make all issues go away." You know that, right?

notrightinthehead · October 29, 2022, 04:02:46 PM

Please read the Toolbox especially medium chill. If you cannot avoid listening to this nonsense, respond with medium chill. 'I am sorry you feel that way.' 'This is your opinion. I disagree.' ' Ah that's how you see things. I see them differently.' 'That's an interesting point of view.' 'I respect that this is your opinion.' Then you walk away. You do not engage. Remind yourself that there is a reason you want to divorce. Whatever he says is how he sees it. He has a right to his opinion. You do not have to agree or even take his point of view seriously.

square · October 29, 2022, 04:25:09 PM

Quote from: Lotus2 on October 29, 2022, 11:49:42 AM
he says he is clairvoyant and can predict their downfall

When my husband claimed that he was the only person in the world who could see it for what it was, and that everyone else were "deluding themselves," it unlocked my ability to stop taking his delusions seriously.

It is okay not to take someone's delusions seriously. It's okay to stay sane.

It's also okay to end a relationship that is being held together by threats alone. A person who would do that will not and can not participate in a healthy relationship.

Remember that if he acts on his threats, that is his choice, and you are not responsible for his choices. He will claim otherwise but he is also delusional (see above) and cannot be taken seriously.

Lotus2 · October 30, 2022, 11:43:17 AM

Quote from: bat123 on October 29, 2022, 02:06:00 PM
I'm very sorry for what you're going through, Lotus. I've had a similar experience. My 21 year old son has battled anxiety and depression for several years, and it got worse during covid. (He's doing a little better now.). But my uNPDH has blamed me, saying that my parenting style caused and worsened his issues. It's a horrible feeling to be blamed. I'm a devoted mother and try to support my son to the fullest. It's devastating to be blamed, but I know deep down that I'm a good parent and it's not my fault that my son has struggled. I've often blamed myself, though, for staying in a disfunctional marriage all these years— I'm sure it has impacted my kids. Maybe just remind yourself that you can be the best parent to your kids if you're in a healthy space. Which it sounds like you're not. I hope you can move forward and heal.

Thank you so much. I am sorry about your son, but it sounds like you are a very strong, devoted and loving mom, and happy is getting better

. I am sending you hugs.
I will keep this in mind!!!
"Maybe just remind yourself that you can be the best parent to your kids if you're in a healthy space. "

Lotus2 · October 30, 2022, 11:46:07 AM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on October 29, 2022, 02:54:29 PM
This: "remind yourself that you can be the best parent to your kids if you're in a healthy space."

Also, if you stay, your husband will not "magically make all issues go away." You know that, right?

Thank you so much, Yes - I do know that, but when I am in the thick of his wrath (yelling, threatening) all common sense goes out the window, and the FOG kicks in big time. It's almost like I am under his spell.

Lotus2 · October 30, 2022, 11:54:35 AM

@ notrightinthehead
Thank you! so helpful.
I read through medium chill, and I have been trying to do that. but If I walk away, he follows me and doesn't stop talking until he is ready to stop. If I don't answer the phone, he calls every 5 seconds until I pick up. If I hang up, he keeps calling and doesn't let me hang up until he is done talking or unless I give him a response he likes. He also says the same things over and over again. it's the same behavior since 2019. And now our kids have mental health issues, that we need to address.

Lotus2 · October 30, 2022, 11:56:20 AM

Quote from: square on October 29, 2022, 04:25:09 PM
Quote from: Lotus2 on October 29, 2022, 11:49:42 AM
he says he is clairvoyant and can predict their downfall

When my husband claimed that he was the only person in the world who could see it for what it was, and that everyone else were "deluding themselves," it unlocked my ability to stop taking his delusions seriously.

It is okay not to take someone's delusions seriously. It's okay to stay sane.

It's also okay to end a relationship that is being held together by threats alone. A person who would do that will not and can not participate in a healthy relationship.

Remember that if he acts on his threats, that is his choice, and you are not responsible for his choices. He will claim otherwise but he is also delusional (see above) and cannot be taken seriously.

Wow - thank you so much.