Flying monkey afoot

[Liketheducks]

Received a call early this morning from a brother out of state.    I have another brother who is local.   Mom is sick, again.   Mom and I haven't spoken since May.   She ambushed me about our relationship at my DS's high school graduation and when I politely said I'd be willing to have a conversation, but not on son's special day....she ghosted me.
Out of state bro:   You need to check on mom.   I gather she's not speaking to local bro.
Me:  She's not speaking to me either.   I'm really not sure what I can do.   

Followed by out of state bro  parroting Mom about me needing to fix this.   And me trying to explain that I'm open to a conversation.   I got the impression that he's being manipulated into the call....but doesn't even really know it.   The language is all hers.    She might have a covid or a cold.     Was about to just call and ask if she needed anything, but trying to gird my loins.   It's been a rough few days in general.

Suggestions?

[notrightinthehead]

Let's assume your mom is an adult, able to speak, owns a phone and is able to dial a number. Let's assume she needs help. She probably will dial a number and ask for help. If she dials your number you can offer your help.
Otherwise- you have better things to do than go around offering your help to people who don't even ask for it.

[Granny May]

I'm so sorry Ducks, I can hear your pain and your kindness fighting with each other.  I fully agree with notrightinthehead, if your NM can't even ring you to ask for help, I'm afraid she deserves to be alone so that she has the opportunity to realise that she's being childish, and she's the only one suffering because of it.  I know you're suffering too, but she wouldn't realise that in a million years.

I really hope you can distance your emotions from her troubles (which could even be vastly exaggerated or actually nothing at all) and continue with your life.  She's chosen to distance herself.  If I had that given to me on a plate I'd grab it and hold it with every ounce of strength I own, but our journeys are different 

[Srcyu]

Outofstate bro -  'you need to check on mom.'  Change that to HE needs you to check on mom because otherwise she will pester him to come and help.  Wise is the grown up child who moves outofstate with the full and certain knowledge that the siblings will pick up the flak.

It's not all down to you to fix this, simple as that.

Suggestion: Tell outofstate bro that mom can call you whenever she wants and if she doesn't, then she can't be all that bad.

[Cat of the Canals]

Let's assume your mom is an adult, able to speak, owns a phone and is able to dial a number. Let's assume she needs help. She probably will dial a number and ask for help. If she dials your number you can offer your help.
Otherwise- you have better things to do than go around offering your help to people who don't even ask for it.

[moglow]

Out of state bro:   You need to check on mom.   I gather she's not speaking to local bro.
Me:  She's not speaking to me either.   I'm really not sure what I can do.   

That's plenty and good on you for saying it! You don't need to do any more than live your life. Sounds like yours is doing what mine did - painting a whole other picture for out of state brother, that she's neglected etc. Know what? She built this monster.


You can't fix anything for her any more than I could mine. You legit asked her to postpone her drama for a better time [not at your childs grad celebration] and she didn't like it. And? She failed to pursue it and that's on her.

If she needs help, actually wants to talk, etc she'll let you know. You don't need messengers for that.

[Liketheducks]

Thanks guys.....I compromised.   Mom won't typically communicate with me at all, unless it is via text (because she wants a documentation trail to consult later when I fall short).     I texted her.  Passive on my part, but very low stakes.   She's had the flu.   She made sure to let me know that she has great neighbors who have been checking on her (NOT her family).   And, I made sure to let her know that I got my flu shot with my most recent covid booster - easy peasy.    Neither of which she'll get....because vaccines are a plot.    She eventually thanked me for asking and I messaged that I hope she felt better soon.   So, sort of a win.

Was hard hearing out of state bro revive the dead horse that is.....Ladybugmaam needs to fix the relationship with mom.   Mom cries everyday about this, etc.   Do people with PD not understand that there are a million websites dedicated to showing estranged parents exactly what they can do to resolve such relationship rifts.   I'd welcome a new conversation, if it was possible.   Otherwise, "fixing" it feels like I'm driving the truck while it is also running me over. 

[moglow]

That's her [and his, by extension and his participation] horse, LTD, and may they have joy of it. I used to hear much the same about my mother's neighbors - the same people she put down and ridiculed for every reason under the sun. The expectation that family somehow know to step in and "provide care" when they refuse to communicate on any level whatsoever, just boggles the mind doesn't it.