It’s been months, but I still can’t move on

[Kipperton24]

This is rather complicated but as is life I suppose. When I was 16 I got a job and had a boss seven years older than me. Around the time I turned 18 I became better friends with her. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time(I'm non-binary but I was born a girl and was more feminine presenting than I am now). She was living at her boyfriends parents house who she'd been with for years. As we grew closer I got confused about my feelings and eventually told her I had feelings I could easily ignore. My mental health wasn't doing the best and she was someone I'd talk to about that since I felt like she was doing better in her life and wanted guidance. Shortly before my 19th birthday she admitted she had feelings too, but she also had feelings for another coworker closer to her age. She told me eventually that she at least started having feelings for me 3 months after I turned 18. Anyway I told my boyfriend everything I was feeling at the time and everything that happened between her and I. He was very supportive and is still one of my best friends. While talking to her she would occasionally do things that upset me wether that's make a joke at my expense or ignore me and I started to realize that she would often use more sexual talk or physical touch to get me to not be upset. If she did something I didn't like(one time she used me to make her mom mad by pointing out how I'm gay and liked a woman's body part looking sculpture she was complaining about which wasn't even true) and if I didn't forgive her immediately she would guilt trip me. Throughout this time she was still with her boyfriend and had kissed the other guy as I kept saying I didn't want to do that. Some months passed and we kept talking and flirting(I broke up with me bf too). She was the first girl I was ever really talking to and I thought I was in love. I didn't want to go too far but she crossed lines and even tried to kiss me on my forehead at work on my last day at the location with her before I left for college. I denied her and after work that day she came over and started touching my thigh and apologizing and I just felt bad. A month later she visited me and took a little more advantage of me and got me some drugs and alcohol(I was still 19). Things kinda stopped but we were still friends. She would also always talk about how miserable she is and I was actively struggling with suicidal thoughts. Eventually she suggested we make a suicide pact which I denied. She later said that she wasn't saying we should both die even though she directly said we should both kill ourselves. Even after I thought thing s were done between us romantically she still strung me along and while I was in the psych ward and dropping out of college she ignored my phone calls but still sent me provocative Snapchats I saw when I got out. After that I tried to explain how she hurt me and tell her how the sexual pressure and abuse hurt and the belittling and not allowing me any time to be upset I just had to get over things and if I didn't she would just play with my hair or say something sweet to distract me. She wouldn't really apologize for anything and when she did she guilt tripped me for not immediately accepting it and moving in. A couple months later I blocked her on a few things and she got mad then blocked me on texts which I didn't want to do because I wanted to work things out. I haven't talked to her in about 6-7 months. In that time I attempted to pressure legal charges for some actions but that went no where. It did provide some closure but I just don't know how to move on. I'm in a healthier relationship now but sometimes I just completely panic about everything that happened. Everything between her and I was only like 9 months to a year and I just don't understand why it's taking so long to move on. I still get nightmares about her and I still care and worry about her but also hate her. I just don't know what to do.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

You experienced a lot of trauma, and much of it may have been amplified by the unrelated work you were gonig through as you developed and modified your own sense of identity. I am glad you did the first hard work of getting out and moving forward. Now you feel, though, that you haven't moved on: let the old stuff go.

I don't write with an answer: I write with support. One step I know is Radical Acceptance. We absolutely have to accept the reality of the world we live in, and our own history. Then you can say "I am this person with this history, and today I begin into a future. I have these assets and tools at my disposal to go make that future."

I wish you much strength, and hope others come along with better insights and tactics.