New Here and Needing to Know It's Not Me... (TW: suicide)

[MarieIsFree]

Hi everyone: I'm here, hoping to find others who know this path and how hard it is....

Recently I turned 50 and received an email from my father who seemed to expect that we'd let "bygones be bygones" and reconnect after six years... I broke contact after my brother died by suicide and my dad's wife sent my sister and me an enraged letter (the week after his funeral) blasting us for not supporting our father enough (after my sister and I had spent the previous three months trying to save my brother during his breakdown, then dealing with the immense fallout from his death, cleaning out his apartment, arranging his funeral, etc - all my dad had to was show up for the ceremony and, oh, he paid for dinner...) 

The first thing my stepmother (his enabler and flying monkey combined!) did when she heard my brother had died was rush out to the copy shop to get pictures of him and my dad printed and framed to put up at the funeral. NOT get my dad in the car to drive down to see his body and help. No. 

So, this latest email scolded me for making him feel like I didn't want to hear from him, then guilt-tripped me into how he's getting old (he's lost a few friends - no mention of my brother who died at my new age of 50), made no mention of what I said in my reply to him which was, basically, that I fell so low after my brother's death that I nearly died myself, then appealed to my inner caretaker by saying how much he hoped we could be back in touch - but, oh, he won't do so, he said (I'm paraphrasing all of this, of course), unless it's with calmness.

I told him I can't agree to that condition (not that I'm not calm - I've won the right to calmness after six years of introspection, therapy, medication, meditation, etc - but he seems to think that any discussion of difficult things - including the Letter, which he refuses to talk about - is not calm...) and I told him, simply, that I release him (both for him - since he can't seem to cope with my clearly over-emotional, demanding nature - and for myself) and now, here I am, two days after sending my reply, feeling gripped by anxiety and guilt.... alongside a deep, deep sadness...

I feel so out to sea with all of this... and a real need to be in community with others who get it.

So, yeah, that's my story or, at least, the most recent part of it. Thanks for listening.

[Starboard Song]

I feel so out to sea with all of this... and a real need to be in community with others who get it.

Out to Seas would me a great handle at Out of the FOG. Welcome.

You are not alone, and many of us do get it. I and my wife are 7 years NC from my in-laws. I will admit to you that we do now read the mail we occasionally receive. And we hear of them indirectly through family.

The mail we get that chastises us for not being willing to heal, and pleading with us to show love to the survivor if one of them dies -- those appeals hurt. But we've come to terms with this reality: we go NC when we really no longer care to persuade or even impact the other party. We are letting them go in a radical way.

So we now just accept resignedly that there are some people that are so destructive of our peace that we must exclude them. That we realized 7 years ago that these two people were in that class. That going NC made it worse. That since that date they've not gotten better. That they therefore remain in that class.

If we hit a reset button today and started over, we'd be NC again within a month.

I know it hurts. It dredges up the sadness of the old loss. But like a long dead pet, or first car long since sent to the dump, you can't get it back, and needn't torture yourself.

I am sorry you are having to face it all again.

Be good. Be strong.

[Srcyu]

Hello MarieIsFree,
I'm so sorry to read your story. You've been through an awful lot.

Your interfering and annoying (step-mother?) should be strictly and absolutely ignored.

It's true that you didn't want to hear from your father and he is directing the blame for that in entirely the wrong direction. Everyone gets old if they live long enough, it does not automatically change him into someone worthy of your attention.

But the no contact has been broken, he's back in your head and nervous system. He has probably stirred up your emotions that are connected to the terrible loss of your brother.  How dare he disturb your peace for his own selfish needs? He does not get to call the shots here and neither does his wife, who could well be pulling his strings.

Responding to him has done you no good at all. He is an unwelcome intrusion that you really do not need.

I suggest directing his emails to the Junk File and to cease any further communication.

.

[MarieIsFree]

Thank you both for these replies (I'm not sure how to directly reply to a post or would have done that...). It helps IMMENSELY to know that I'm not alone in this. Yes, my nervous system is definitely stirred. I realize that I've been feeling afraid, as I did as a child whenever I knew something had been done/said that my dad wouldn't like. His control overrode us all. But, I'm 2000 km away from him. I'm 50 years old. I'm happily married. No more. Thank you!

[Gwendolyn]

I'm so sorry you lost your brother to suicide.  That must be such a raw and emotional memory for you.

NC is very hard and the hoovering to suck us back in is so often conducted by a third party. In my case it's siblings and relatives trying to guilt me into reaching out to my PDmother. 

But interesting how it isn't my mother!! No sorry, no letter, no 'hey I miss you please forgive me, no invitation to sit down to clear the air....

Oh no...
The guilt and responsibility to resume contact is placed on me by third parties (flying monkeys) and knowing my family, it is an invitation to forget 'the past ' and go back to some fake holiday mode where everyone pretends we have a perfect family.

Mom doesn't want me back.   She just doesn't want to have to explain why I'm no longer there and she has a dread of being exposed for being an abuser. 

I'm guessing your dad's wife is looking to co-create some drama with him and you're the target.

Stay true to yourself and I know full well this is a hard time of year to be estranged from a family member.

Just remember the reasons you went NC haven't changed.  Time doesn't change the reasons and getting sucked back into playing 'nicey-nice' is soul destruction..in my opinion.

Be kind to yourself and take good care of your inner child.. she knows she doesn't want to go back into the past.  She wants you to lead her to a healthy future.



Trust your gut on this.

Gwendolyn

[treesgrowslowly]

 

Trust your gut.

We can hold a deep grief for the parent and the parenting we wish we had.

He is not entitled to your attention ...and seriously? Telling you to "stay calm" as his opening volley back into your life? Huge red flag that he probably continues to see you as responsible for stuff that is not your responsibility.

Healthy people do not gaslight us to "be in calmness" ("or else" feels like the subtext here). They hold space for what we actually feel. I am sorry you have had to go through this.

Welcome here. I hope you find this to be a supportive place. The healing work you've done for yourself shines through in your letter. Hold tight to your self right now and the grief will bring relief to you. I think that time will bring back the peace you had before his email.

Trees

[Srcyu]

MarieIsFree,
Well done for working out exactly what your core feeling was. Inner-child and all that.

These boards are totally different to the Facebook groups where you can 'Like' and respond to individual comments. Conversations in here are a lot more thoughtful and mature.
Generally, people just use the profile name(s) at the beginning of their reply of whoever they are wanting respond to.   

[MarieIsFree]

Just came back in here to see any new comments on my original post and I can't tell you how much it helps to hear from people who GET IT!!! Thank you for your support and your sympathies about my brother too.

I so needed all of these reminders.... The "be calm" condition is such a red flag... He did write me back after I sent my note saying I couldn't agree with that condition. He told me that he's changed and that he would be willing to hear what I had to say... So, I told him what I had to say, which is everything that I did say six years ago... so far, no response. I guess I wasn't calm enough. (Gwendolyn: I so agree with you about the soul destruction of nicey-nice, that's where I was before my brother died and proved that nicey-nice can be fatal...)

Does anyone else feel like they get caught in circles: explaining your position over and over again, having it rejected over and over again too.... ? That's why I went NC in the first place. It's hard to rehash all the old stuff with the hope (even though I try to deny that I have it) that this time I'll actually be heard. Sigh.

[Gwendolyn]

Topic: the dreaded and futile "rehash".

What can I say?  I tried a few times before going NC to get mom and sisters to understand how their betrayals have damaged my trust in them etc etc etc.

It makes no difference in the end because they are in an unhealthy enmeshed relationship governed by feigned perfection and "caring " .  To understand and acknowledge my truth would shatter their nicey-nice illusions about 'the family' so they will never budge.

You might have heard the expression "it's impossible to wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep".  Well for a toxically enmeshed family it's impossible to wake them up to 'our truth' because they are pretending everything is okay and the only problem is you/we won't play their game.

Sorry for the clichés and lame metaphors but I'm trying to convey my experience without getting bogged down in situational details.

Unless the family does some serious self awareness and recovery work, they are unlikely to change.  Think of how hard it is for us to change.   Now imagine how dug in and inflexible they are... and go forward with clear eyes.

If it was me I'd try to make peace with the memory of my brother and live my best life with healthier people.   

In the Celtic tradition we notice that PDs often flare up and start nasty and deeply personal battles in the fall to keep the family, neighbors and closest community embroiled in endless muck raking and tut- tutting and speculation.

Try not to become their emotional fuel this winter.

Build yourself up.  They aren't helping you live your best life and if it hurts, it's not love.

Take your time.  The sadness is real.  The realization your dad hasn't changed and all your buttons are getting pushed again is worth 'sitting with for a while.  Your emotions are not for others to judge.  Be yourself and stop explaining.

Ps: don't get sucked back if you can't define a clear and enduring benefit FOR YOURSELF!!

[MarieIsFree]

"..if it hurts, it's not love." Such a simple truth that I keep forgetting....

I love the Celtic "gathering the winter fuel" analogy, which is likely true here, as well, in northern climes (I'm in Canada).

The other part of it is the autumn of his life... my dad is 80 now, so of course, the expectation is that I "let bygones be bygones" since, you know, he's going to die.

That's a hard one to carry, and I"ve heard at least once from my aunt the advice that I don't want to have any regrets... (from her, who lived embroiled in a relationship with their terrifying father for much of her adult life).

I read recently about a guy who went NC with his PD mother just because he wanted to. He knew he "should" continue to be there for her but he just woke up one day and realized that he didn't have it in him. He just didn't want to. This took my breath away. "You mean it can be that easy?" I thought.

There is guilt but it's not as toxic as it once was.. the six years of practice before this latest "outbreak" have helped.

I definitely do need to sit with all of this. At least his showing up again has been a good chance for me to realize that more healing can happen, and that I can be even more whole.

Thank you, again.