Are you too asked to remedy/backtrack/rewrite-the-past ?

[downwiththefog]

2 years ago, after 25 years of marriage, I presented my uPDw with a divorce letter.  On her insistence we gave our relationship 'one more try',
I had dragged her to couple therapy which failed, but I had the divorce cancelled by then.

Fast forward to today, intimacy is lost and she is always resentful and endlessly argumentative.

Among other things. I now am asked all the time to make public apologies/amends to help her remove from her mind what *I* have done.
This because I had "told negative things about her"
either "officially" (i.e. to the lawyer who wrote the divorce letter) or "in front of another woman" (the therapist)

She keeps asking that (often out of the blue).
- I get the lawyer to write her a letter of the same length of the divorce letter where I acknowledge all the wonderful things and sacrifices she had done for me.
- we go back to the therapist where I recant my 'accusations', make apologies, and again acknowledge all the wonderful things and sacrifices she had done for me.
- <let me cut it short here>

It's a constant nag that gets nowhere; I am not doing it as I have built more resilience to her tormenting behavior that pushed me to attempt divorce years ago.
It live it as emotional blackmail which I am determined to resist.
Still it is very annoying and I can't see a way out. 

I wonder if these request to 'amend/apologize/repair' are something others have experienced.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you caused a narcissistic injury. That might not be forgotten nor forgiven. And yes! you will be asked to apologize and retract, even after you have done so several times. Have you studied the Toolbox? If not, please do so. And welcome to this informative and supportive space for survivors.

[Poison Ivy]

Ugh, how aggravating! It seems that your spouse thinks (or wants other people to think) that if you filed for divorce and then pulled back, the reasons for the divorce no longer exist. Do you have it in yourself to tell her, "Spouse, I did decide to stay in the marriage for now. But the things that I told the lawyer and the therapist were (and are?) true."

[Lookin 2 B Free]

DWTF,     Yes, I have.  He tried to be very composed in couple's counseling rather than actually work on anything.  Often a thing I would say or do that would set him off there, or anywhere, would be so unpredictable and seem so benign it would totally catch me off guard.  Heaven knows I tried to avoid pricking his shame core.  Then he'd blow and be furious with me for making him "look bad. "  In fact, anytime anything was wrong he'd try to tell me I was to take responsibility for it, even demanding I write a confession using his words, (which I did not do).

He'd concoct a story of what *really* happened.  It might have almost nothing to do with reality bc of the distorted thinking.  It always had him as a wonderful, exceptional person who was being victimized, and made me take the blame for whatever mishap or unpleasantness happened.  PD's have emotional reasoning.  Logic gets you nowhere.   It's like he couldn't understand logic when it came to taking responsibility. "I could be the cause of the problem" did not compute at all for him.

I'd heard "try to validate a PD's feelings" rather than address the facts of what's going on.   So I'd do that and also heap appreciation on him for any and everything I could think of.  I'd also go out of my way to try to take responsibility for every little mistake I ever made. 

In our case, this did nothing.  It was like trying to fill a black hole.  It was actually freeing for me.  When I realized that what I did or didn't do made little difference, I stopped being so codependent and started suiting myself more.

I read Stop Caretaking the NPD BPD quite a few years ago.  The one thing in there that stood out the most was that the person the PD almost always targets for negative projections and blame shifting is the spouse.  That gave me pause.  I've been out (and NC) for 3ish years now.

There's so much to learn reading the forum posts and the toolkit.  I hope Out of the FOG is helpful for you!  Let us know how you're doing.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[downwiththefog]

DWTF,
I'm curious, what makes you not want to initiate the divorce again? You said you "can't see a way out" but you were already heading toward divorce once. Why not now? I understand she doesn't want you to, but it sounds like she's not giving you much of a reason to stay.
I know these issues aren't simple, and there is a lot at stake, but I'm just curious what's holding you back?

The main reason is the kids. They have witnessed some horrible discussions in the past, but these seem past us and we're both working very hard in supporting them.
If they had left the nest, I *think* I would try to live my life. I am however scared that I may not reach that point in time and be still in good health.
I keep reading of those that abandon conventional jobs and lives and start living with less, in places a bit less human congested..
I'd love freedom to go off on my own and come back when I feel like, rather than being trapped at home.
I am also affectionate to her, I don't really fancy another partner. I wish she was happy but not buggering me.

[Preamble]

DWTF  I "let" my ex leave without protesting, it seemed like a no-brainer, and I was overjoyed at first.  It took a handful of years but he eventually got our children.  That was decades ago and they don't have a relationship with me - don't know where they live, etc.  I'm just saying, the decision to leave or stay is a very very difficult one.

[escapingman]

The main reason is the kids. They have witnessed some horrible discussions in the past, but these seem past us and we're both working very hard in supporting them.
If they had left the nest, I *think* I would try to live my life. I am however scared that I may not reach that point in time and be still in good health.
I keep reading of those that abandon conventional jobs and lives and start living with less, in places a bit less human congested..
I'd love freedom to go off on my own and come back when I feel like, rather than being trapped at home.
I am also affectionate to her, I don't really fancy another partner. I wish she was happy but not buggering me.

In my personal opinion the worst thing possible for the kids is to stay in the relationship, but everyone has a choice to do what they want. I stayed too long and now I lost one of my kids due to PA that started whilst still in the relationship.

[moglow]

As a "child of", absolutely. Those are expected and demanded of us on the regular, and I can tell you, to my knowledge I've yet to meet that ever changing goalpost in her mind. There's not one hint of anything from her corner. I owe HER everything, must apologize, make amends, rewrite etc to her never ending dissatisfaction. Until I stopped, let the world stop spinning around her, and considered my own needs finally. Those needs culminated in removing myself from her entirely. It's different now, still not exactly easy at times but the overall peace is well worth it.

[Cat of the Canals]

If I ever confronted my PDmom, I can pretty much guarantee she'd rewrite the past and demand I do the same. No doubt in my mind.

And I've witnessed PDmil attempting to do this with her children. She's been married three times. Her second husband died a few years back. My husband and his brother were young children when their mother married this man, and he was awful to them and her. Even PDmil's abusive parents described him as "an ogre."

Anyway, MIL and her sons were "reminiscing" about their time living with the ogre. Mostly discussing some of the more ridiculous moments of his horridness that they could actually laugh about. I think MIL had a sudden moment of clarity that she was responsible for putting her children through this by marrying this person in the first place, and she suddenly piped up with this faux-chipper voice

MIL: But we had good times, too! Didn't we? H, what was your favorite memory with [the ogre]?
H, after a long, awkward silence: The day we moved out.