She's doubling down on the religion crap.

[Cat of the Canals]

H talked to PDmil yesterday, because it was her birthday. The main thing she wanted to talk about was how they're studying the Book of Hebrews in her bible study and he "really needs to read it," then went on to quote how it says that the Son (Jesus) is superior to the Torah and Moses and the Old Testament. She's brought up her bible study many times before, but this is the first time he's needed to read it. It couldn't possibly be because she's finally found biblical PROOF that I am wrong and bad... 

I think after the most recent visit, she took my GR as a personal affront and is now more overtly trying to drive a wedge between H and me. I'm not sure how she can be so blind to the fact that this (on top of everything else) is only widening the gap between her son and her. But her denial is so rock solid, she genuinely seems to believe she holds some kind of sway over him. He still recalls the time she said, "I'm just not sure what's going to happen to you when I'm gone." His comment to me was, "I'll finally have some peace?"

Anyway, I'm trying to let the annoyance and anger pass. She's 1500 miles away again, and we are entirely out of reach, so she can scheme all she wants. The reality is that she matters so little in our lives. The only influence and power she has is what we give her by fixating on her and her crappy behavior.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Cat of the Canals,

You're likely spot on. Your GR has her scrambling now in a way, and she's grasping here. In terms of trying to control her son.

Like you and your DH both know, all she's doing is causing more distance between her and you two, but she can't see it like that.

People who want control seem to have a real hard time seeing that their actions are pushing people further away.

For her, using her interest in her religious scripture is what she thinks is an effective tool to confuse you, or guilt you or anger you.

There's always something that a PD will try to use as leverage when trying to get supply. They are good at finding something that can be used to suggest that they are superior in some way.

In a lot of ways it is no different from a PD trying to say that the car they drive makes them superior to others, or the place they live or the food they eat....blah blah blah.

You see right through it. Doesn't mean it's not frustrating. Her inability to see her own behaviour is frustrating. Lack of self awareness is pretty frustrating !

There's probably not much else you need to do besides see it and name it for what it is, and remind yourself of the effective ways you know to cope with how you feel when she's done something so frustrating.

The reality is that you're adults -and she can't control what you nor her son now reads, or which beliefs you hold (religious or otherwise)... and that is what actually pi***s her off!! Without self awareness she is unlikely to ever figure that out.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

You're on fire today, Trees. I've been talking a lot lately with my husband about how her worst behaviors stem from a lack of self awareness. It's one of the many ways my PDmil and PDmom differ. My PDmom has enough self awareness to know there is a line with me that she's careful not to cross. PDmil doesn't seem to recognize anything of the sort, and in fact behaves as if she can be as malicious and passive-aggressive as she wants, and nobody can do anything about it. And when someone does do something about it, with GR, LC, NC, etc., she is utterly shocked.

[bloomie]

She's 1500 miles away again, and we are entirely out of reach, so she can scheme all she wants. The reality is that she matters so little in our lives. The only influence and power she has is what we give her by fixating on her and her crappy behavior.

Cat, you are also on fire!! 🔥

It took me waaaaay too long to realize the powerful truth you state so well here. Bravo!

Something I learned form the book - Emotionally Immature Parents, was there is a pervasive lack of self awareness while being preoccupied with self all at the same time. That emotionally immature adults, in general, look outside of themselves for answers, solutions, insights, boundaries... so, in my own case, my mil is not responsible to discern when her words and actions are offensive and harmful, others are. Her starting gate view of herself is that she is always well intentioned, good, righteous even. 

And when it is kindly and respectfully pointed out to her that she has crossed a line it is the end of the world as we know it. A complete round of the grief cycle..often including taking to her bed in emotional collapse because she screwed up like all of the rest of us mortals do. This is after much anger, denial and bargaining and 'well what about what you did?' or 'but, I would never intentionally...?"

The offensive behavior will continue unless I either remove myself from her or firmly put a stop to it knowing the cycle that will follow.And yes, as I mentioned in another thread, part of the anger and denial piece of it is spiritually abusive in nature.

She has strong histrionic and narcissistic traits and is incredibly immature. That is my assessment of her and one I have needed to make in order to determine just how much of my life, peace of mind, head space I give over to someone who is extremely limited in her capacity to function in a mutually respectful way in familial relationships.

The main thing she wanted to talk about was how they're studying the Book of Hebrews in her bible study and he "really needs to read it," then went on to quote how it says that the Son (Jesus) is superior to the Torah and Moses and the Old Testament. She's brought up her bible study many times before, but this is the first time he's needed to read it. It couldn't possibly be because she's finally found biblical PROOF that I am wrong and bad... 

Your mil's behavior is ugly and she is wrong. Your response is gracious and I commend you for it. I have to say this really infuriates me on your behalf. I am thankful you can share with your DH and move on.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, bloomie. I needed a few weeks away from her and back to our normal routine before I could see it. When she was here, I was thinking, "THIS CAN'T BE ALLOWED TO STAND, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!" Now I have enough distance to ask myself whether that's a good use of time/energy. She's never going to respect our boundaries, she's made that abundantly clear. Might as well put all that distance we carved out when we moved to good use and think of her as little as possible.