Grown Children with Narc ex Family events

[LateBloomer13]

Divorced narc 6 years ago and we have both remarried. We are cordial when thrown together in social situations, otherwise no contact/gray rock.  We have 3 adult sons. Eldest son & his wife went no contact 3 years ago with his dad. They have 2 small children. My other 2 sons have good relationships with their dad.
Our 2nd son is getting married, big wedding. Wondering how to best support all of my sons at this event. My grandchildren don't know this man and this will be the first time my oldest son & his family will be in same place with my ex and his narc family. In what ways should we proactively prepare?

[Srcyu]

My first advice would be to prioritise your 2nd son since it is his wedding.

Discussions need to be held about seating arrangements quite urgently. This would involve making sure that your 1st son and his family are comfortable with where they are placed. His thoughts concerning access to his children by ex and his family must be taken very seriously. Avoid trying to minimise how your 1st son may be feeling about  this. His wife's thoughts on the matter are paramount too.

Your second son will need to have lengthy discussions with your ex about any expectations he may have about the currently, un-met grandchildren. Your second son's wife-to-be will need to play a part in that too.

Other friends and relatives - oh god, the list goes on!
Attention must be paid to which people are allowed to sit near 1st son and his family. People can be terribly prone to saying all the wrong things.

A trusted friend or family member should be your right-hand-man/woman, because you will be busy being present for your second son. Their task will be to watch your ex and his family as well as your 1st son and his. This person should be respected enough by both parties to be able to nip any possible problems in the bud. You may need more than one person to do this.

Your third son needs to be kept up-to-date with all of this. Keep him in the picture.

Finally, find out what your lovely little grandchildren will be told about the situation from their parents.
Stick firmly and strictly to the narrative that your 1st son and his wife present to them. I cannot empathise this enough.

Then choose your outfit and enjoy being mother-of-the-groom!

[Starboard Song]

Remember everyone's likely goals for the day:

• Eldest son wants minimum contact, and no entanglement.
• That sounds about like your goal, too, so you can continue to gray rock after this is over.
• Second son wants a lovely wedding, with no drama.
• The grandkids -- probably have no goals. But we want your ex to be a gray rock to them.

I'd suggest you focus on the one goal that solves everyone's troubles: no drama. If you can avoid, spot early. and help dispel drama, you'll be a hero for everyone.

[Rose1]

At a funeral years ago with us present with ex and all, one of his cousin's adult children appointed himself as watchdog.


He said I'm keeping an eye out for you. Very kind of him and sure enough exenfil decided to make his presence felt. Barely started a conversation and cousin swept in, defused and removed. It was awesome and very unexpected.
Exfil had just managed to squeeze my hand too hard and I must have yelped.

Ex and new supply hovered in a corner with his parents and pretty much left us alone.

So having someone keeping an eye on the situation to defuse and distract is very important. I've done that since and it has been a huge thing not to have to worry about being cornered