Fake FOTY, small children and hostage negotiations

[mogwaidelegate]

Not sure if anyone has experienced this behavior when your NEX realized you were serious about separation/leaving but since I filed a few months ago, I am in this hellacious legal gray area where I feel like my STBX can use the kids as leverage and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it because there's no legal custody agreement in place and we have to wait months until even a temporary orders hearing.

Since I filed, I'm being emotionally blackmailed into playing happy family with him. My lawyer told me I *have* to negotiate and come up with an informal agreement otherwise it would be a never ending battle of "I want the kids today/no I'm taking them to my moms" but the few days I was spending with them at my parents house he's already guilted me into ceasing because he can't stand our "cold, dark lonely house," can't spend a minute away from our kids, has described graphic plans for suicide, etc.

If I so much as suggest now I spend a few hours visiting family at my moms, or I go sleep in my sons room instead of ours he stomps around (literally) slamming doors being a total jerk... boiling over and screaming at me that the reason I want a divorce is that I don't care about our kids, can't handle them by myself and need to be away from them 50% and want to ruin their lives shuffling them between homes.

If I don't want to go on family outings and dinners and sleep with him every night I'm being immature and unreasonable and can't be amicable and friendly in front of our kids. This is insanity. I can't stand to be in the same room with him but I feel like I'm being held hostage. This is a man that barely had anything to do with our family the first nearly 4 years of our older kids life, was constantly out playing single man prioritizing friends and hanging out at bars above us and leaving me alone with them, now he can't spend a minute away or leave me alone.

[Rose1]

This is very difficult and I don't have much to suggest regarding your lawyer's opinion except maybe get a second opinion. Your lawyer doesn't appear to understand that if you could come to agreement you probably wouldn't be getting divorced.

However it appears your stbex is suffering from abandonment issues. The suicide threats are what I want to address.

Every time he threatens suicide call for medical assistance. Ambulance if necessary. If it's a ploy it might stop it (did with my ex for a bit anyway). If it's not, then he needs medical help.

This may then get you in the way to being able to get some kind of restraining order. Unfortunately this kind of behaviour often continues despite any court visitation order. If he was capable or intended to be reasonable, he would be.

I found that my exbpdh did what he pleased, no one was going to tell him what to do and it was only a few things that kept him in check. One was fear of what his parents might think, another was having the kids "helped me out" so he wasn't going to do that. Also any consequences to him mitigated his behaviour. However turns out he was an absent pd and his own pleasures far outweighed any desire to put up with kids. Some are, some are smotherers.

In any case I'd get some more advice on legal options because this has the potential to turn ugly very quickly. It's a nightmare for you but will also have negative consequences in your kids. It's also abuse.

[WhiteWolf]

I can't imagine what a difficult situation you're in! It sounds horrendous. I'm not sure I can offer much advice but I can certainly empathize with you.

I would get more legal help. You may be able to get temporary orders for custody and finances. I'd push in this direction to find out more info. If your attorney is not going to be completely in your corner get a second opinion.

I've dealt with and am still dealing with the suicidal ideation bs. Not to diminish anyone's mental health issues but in our particular circumstances talking/threatening etc suicide is emotional abuse and manipulation. A way to control you and turn the focus on them, as a victim when they are in fact not. I'd call 911 every time in your case.

And like others have encouraged me on this forum, keep posting. There's so much support and no judgement here.

[hhaw]

Suicide threats likely should be met with reporting and mental health eval in hospital.

That's where I might begin dealing with the sitaution you're in.

[escapingman]

mogwaidelegate,

Exactly this happened for me when I filed for divorce with my uNPDstbxw. She tried to play happy family at every opportunity and then cry to the children about how horrible I was not doing things with her. The real problem was that she managed to manipulate on of my children during this time and now I haven't seen her for 6 months. My only way to get her out of the house was through a court order, but she managed to get my child with her as the legal system here in the UK is not fit for purpose.

Stay strong, try to get him our, I now the hell you are living in.

[Lauren17]

This is exactly what I faced.  My uNPDxh, flipped a switch literally overnight.  He was suddenly the best, most attentive husband and father anyone could wish for.  My children are older and they were very much aware of the transformation.  This man, who for years didn't even know if where his children were, suddenly couldn't be parted with them for a minute.  He was so, so sad at losing his family.  When the mask slipped, he didn't scream.  He sadly informed me that I was permanently damaging the children, I was "killing" him, and that I secretly knew it would be better for me to stay, too.
There seems to be an expectation in this age of "consciously uncoupling" that people will be reasonable, fair, and respectful during divorce.  My lawyer didn't see any problem with us staying the marital home for the duration of divorce. She also encouraged me to sit down with him and negotiate an agreement.  While that is the best approach when dealing with two rationale people, it won't work with a PD.  Keep talking to your lawyer.  Don't diagnose your stbxh, just describe his behaviors.  Clearly state that you need to be out of the house for your own mental/emotional health.  I did this with mine every time we spoke.  When I told my lawyer he was accusing me of damaging the children with divorce, she said "That's emotional manipulation!" and started working to get me and the kids out of the house.
I recommend you research Dr. Ramani's "too much too late" video.  It was eye opening to me.