Brother offers to help me financially-should I accept?

mary_poppins · November 06, 2022, 12:31:23 PM

Hi all.

So I finally found a great job abroad. I'll be flying there at the end of the month but I need financial support to buy the flight ticket, train tickets and for other relocation expenses. The company that hired me pays for accomodation but not for the cost of moving there.
Anyway, I told my brother the news and he seemed excited about it. He offered to help me financially (it's just a few hundred dollars) and I am not sure if I should say yes to it. Thing is, he's toxic (not as toxic as my parents but still) and he may have a hidden agenda to helping me. I am sure he benefits from seeing me gone because he sounded very excited to hear about my relocation news.

Another thing is that he said 'Hey, I'll come and celebrate New Year's Eve with you in the country' and I said 'But I'll be working and won't have time to be with you' and he just ignored my comment. It feels like him giving me that money gives him the right to come and check where I'll be living and forces me to welcome him there because, well he gave me the financial support to be there. So it's very conditional.

I also don't really want my brother to know my home address abroad-he'll just give it to my parents and I know for sure they'll send me cards, gifts and the usual stuff estranged parents send to maintain control over their adult children. I want to avoid that.

However, I don't have many choices. A friend offered to loan me the money but I'd feel bad taking money from him because he's not doing extremely well financially. See, i'm just in a confusing spot right now. And I cant afford to not take a decision. The company already wants me to buy a flight ticket and sort out all the relocation papers.

Any tip would help. If u were in my place once where u needed a small financial help from a PD family member, what did u do and did it help?

Thx

notrightinthehead · November 06, 2022, 02:06:14 PM

If the company hired you in your present country, they should pay for relocation. They are hiring a person from abroad, they should assist with getting you there and help with the paperwork. Are you sure the company is legit?

square · November 06, 2022, 02:11:05 PM

I'm sure there are strings attached. But you can just untie them if you decide to do that.

He may expect you to give him his address, host him, etc. But just because he expects those doesn't mean you have to do it, whether you accept his offer of money or not.

It may be difficult, but you can shrug off those expectations and leave them on the floor in front of him.

Perhaps later you can repay the money with a "thank you" and YOU can consider the favor repaid in full. Regardless of what he thinks.

Remember, he offered you the money. Of his own free will. You do not need to be responsible for discerning and meeting his unsaid, unagreed-upon expectations. If he feels cheated by giving you money with no agreement on "payback," that's a lesson for him and not you, and you can just let him deal with it.

Srcyu · November 06, 2022, 07:30:09 PM

Can you trust your brother to actually pay up?
He may not really mean it, stringing you along thinking you are covered and then drop you in it at the last minute.

mary_poppins · November 07, 2022, 07:27:55 AM

@square: True, I always forget that I don't need to give into his ideas of whatever he wants me to do for him. Plus, I helped him financially at one point which was more than I ever did for anyone.

mary_poppins · November 07, 2022, 07:30:20 AM

Quote from: notrightinthehead on November 06, 2022, 02:06:14 PM
If the company hired you in your present country, they should pay for relocation. They are hiring a person from abroad, they should assist with getting you there and help with the paperwork. Are you sure the company is legit?

No, it's a foreign company and yes, they pay for relocation. The package includes rent, deposit and the flight. But they pay this after the first month of work. Accomodation is covered now which is why I've accepted the job in the first place.

mary_poppins · November 07, 2022, 07:32:43 AM

Quote from: Windmill on November 06, 2022, 07:30:09 PM
Can you trust your brother to actually pay up?
He may not really mean it, stringing you along thinking you are covered and then drop you in it at the last minute.

No, he means it. But as I said before, it's with strings attached which I think it's unfair. I've saved his ass financially a while ago and put no conditions to how he should behave or what he should do in return. Argh, I guess that's how PDs are..

Srcyu · November 07, 2022, 07:53:27 AM

Putting aside the money question - it sounds really exciting.

square · November 07, 2022, 10:18:20 AM

You can decide to accept the help as (partial or full, depending on the amount you helped him vs what he is offering) reciprocation to your previous help and leave it at that, satisfied, confident, and easy in the mind.

pianissimo · November 07, 2022, 05:16:04 PM

A credit card could help in this kind of situation, or if you had options for small loans from your bank. I don't know how banking works in your country though.

If you took the money from your brother, I think it would be OK for you to just disregard the supposed strings later. He can treat that as some kind of gesture that grants access to your politeness or whatever, but it really isn't. It's just lending money for a plane ticket. Normal people just become happy for being a part of these kinds of developments.

lkdrymom · November 08, 2022, 12:42:52 PM

Don't take the money. If it is only a few hundred dollars you should be able to find a way to do that without his help. Get a credit card was a good idea. Any friends that could help? I have a feeling your brother will think you are a free vacation spot for years to come over this little loan.

Associate of Daniel · November 08, 2022, 02:22:16 PM

My 2 cents... even if there were no pd issues (diagnosed or undiagnosed), I suggest not borrowing any money any time from any family, regardless of how good the relationship is or how much the money is.

Money is very often the number one problem in any relationship. If a relationship is good, it may still be affected by the borrowing/lending of money. If a relationship is bad/unstable, the situation is the same.

Other than a credit card, which I'm not not a fan of having one anyway, but understand it's sometimes handy, I'm afraid I have no advice. I'm sure others will chime in with some creative ideas here for how you can get over this hurdle.

Either way, if you do borrow money from family, friend or bank, try to pay it back as soon as possible.

Anyway, Congrats on the job. I hope it all works out for you.

AOD

mary_poppins · November 09, 2022, 07:31:24 AM

Thanks, everyone. I took some of your advice and decided to accept the money and ignore the strings attached later in the future.
But, listen to this: he said he wants to gift me the money which was odd. I said no I'll pay you back. (and I intend to pay him as soon as possible)

There is no credit card option in my country, I wish it was. So I had no other viable option. Yes, I did help him financially once and even settled him in a foreign country with apartment and job. I have extended myself for him way over my limit in the past so I thought this would be reciprocation from his part.

Well, if he treats me as a vacation spot (the country I'm moving to is popular among tourists) he'll go on VLC or NC list. I'm tired of not having to do normal things in life because of what a PD family member would think/feel about it.