Moving out of high control house... FREAKING OUT!!

[littlelimabean]

Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay.

I am moving out for college. I mentioned it 2 weeks ago in a post. Now, I am moving out in four days...

Lord have mercy, I was not ready with the slew of emotions coming at me today. So, for the first time, I went shopping for myself and picked out the clothes I liked with no resistance. Usually, my mother would be controlling and telling me what to wear. I would cry and have full on panic attacks in malls.

With the absence of that, I felt so much shame for picking out what I liked. My mother was so controlling when it came to this. When she isn't there scolding me for my choices, I felt shame instead of the freedom and happiness I wanted to feel.

When I move, my family will be on the other side of the WORLD. It is basically going from no control to full control in matter of days.

My situation is strange. My mother infantilized me with clothing, the outside world (e.g. not letting ride horses because the horse riding outfit),    beauty choices, internet usage, emmeshment or whatever that spelling is, etc.

But at the same time, I was parentified. I took care of my mom, house management, raising siblings, emotional support, yada yada yada.

Yo, I am prepared for the college bit I believe, but like... I graduated highschool in my living room. I barely left my house for the past 11 years. I am 22 now, my B-day was yesterday!

The thing I am feeling right now is feeling incompetent and the fear of not being able to handle it. Also, shame, shame, and more shame.

I am trying to counter my negative thoughts with positive ones, but I need more tips y'all

AhhhhhhHHHHHHH!!!!!! Ahem. Thank you for your time. uwu

[Liketheducks]

Littlelimabean.....virtual healthy mom hugs to you.    You've got this.   Enjoy individuating and re-parenting yourself - so many of us, myself included, didn't figure this out until middle age.     Do what you want, when you want.   I'm so happy for you.    Kudos on creating the next opportunity for yourself.   It shows that you are far from incompetent.   You're going to be great!   

[Srcyu]

Well done you.
Massive, massive achievement.
That shame you feel was created by her and it lingers. Those new clothes will bring you joy once you can wear them in your new life. Again, with the incompetence feeling - that's her. She's done a brilliant job on you. Denied you any chance to build confidence. Taught you never to make decisions.

Yet, you've broken free.   You've done it.  You.  On your own, are going out there. You have won. Keep going.

[Cat of the Canals]

I am so excited for you! And here's a little trick I learned a few months ago: the physical sensations of FEAR are the exact same physical sensations of EXCITEMENT. So from now on, when you feel scared about something "good," take a moment to remind yourself of all the wonderful things you're going to get out of the experience.

Also, having 20 years of hindsight, I wish the adults in my life would have sat me down at your age and said: Look, you're going out on your own, and there's going to be this immense pressure to have everything figured out. But that's not how it works. It's natural to feel like you have no idea what you're doing because... you don't! And that's OK. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual. You're going to make mistakes, but mistakes are how you learn.

I like to joke that the existential crisis at age 25 is, "OH MY GOD, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE." Your existential realization at age 35 is, "I have no idea what I'm doing, but neither does anyone else, so... oh well!"

P.S. Happy birthday!

[littlelimabean]

Thank you all for your well wishes!! (I stopped quoting replies because I realize they don't give notifs lol).

I am thinking about all I can do and where I can be. I am really about to go back to my hometown for college...

Where I went to kindergarten, and where I used to play and make shitty nests for hummingbirds. I was so happy there. I think where I am moving is my favorite place in the world.

I will try to focus on the positives and use that excitement technique you mentioned, Cat of the Canals. Thank you for mentioning that no one knows what they are doing btw. I am the kind of person that wants to know every page and all the footnotes before doing anything. I gotta let go of that.

Windmill and Liketheducks, thank you for your support

I am still scared, but I am willing to push above it. I have been praying to move since I was fourteen, and now I have it!

[Preamble]

littlelimabean it's wonderful to hear you are moving out and growing.  I think the emotional flashbacks will subside over time,