"Stuff" management

[Poison Ivy]

Hi. I'm starting a thread for people to share their tips for organizing and managing things such as their belongings, PD's belongings, etc.

What do you do that  makes it easier, physically and emotionally, to deal with stuff?

[escapingman]

Great topic Poison as I just started my house clearance. I have no good answer right now but my plan is to divide things into mine, hers, joint, kids and to the dump. I had a small emotional reaction on the first box I opened as I saw one of her Christmas cards to me with a love message, I dismissed it quick however as I know its only words and not what she actually meant.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex would store things in the basement. For worse or better, this resulted in some things being contaminated by mice (meaning it was easy for me to decide to throw them out). There's lots of room for storage in the basement, but it's unfinished and I don't like spending time down there, so I moved much of the unwrecked stuff to the main level of the house. I still don't enjoy decluttering, but I'm more likely to do it if I can grab a box from a room on the same level rather than having to get one from the basement.

[SonofThunder]

Poison Ivy,

Since you have been divorced for 6 years (correct me please if needed), do you believe there may be a self-protective boundary to apply to the your exH's possessions and also your efforts in simplification?  Would a boundary assist you both physically and emotionally by creating real protective limits? 

For example:

Boundary plan conveyed to exH in writing: 

"I will bring up exH's possessions from the basement and will put them in boxes in no organized fashion.  I will gather a minimum of X boxes per month and on the last Wednesday evening of the month, stack the gathered boxes on the outside porch.  exH or someone he designates may pick up any boxes off the porch on the last Thursday of the month.  Any boxes not picked up on that Thursday (no excuses allowed) will be taken to the dump or charity on Friday by me or someone I designate.  Any attempt to alter or complicate this plan will result in the immediate end of the plan. Upon an unfortunate end, 100% of exH's possessions will be taken to the dump and/or charity at my free will. I will notify exH when the removal is complete" 
———-
That way, you never take  exH's possessions back to the basement!   This type of boundary is fully enforceable and is also fair and fully communicated in writing, therefore it may assist you in the emotional side of the activity.  Regarding emotional triggers, i have turned this process into a way to practice mindfulness, being very 'present' to all emotions and senses.  Therefore im allowing a negative to assist me in a positive manner, by helping me practice my mindfulness.  Practicing will see continued improvement over time. 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

SonofThunder, I've done something like this already. Now, most of the boxes contain things that belong to my daughters. They and their stuff don't get free passes, but I do think of this house as still theirs, too.

[SonofThunder]

SonofThunder, I've done something like this already. Now, most of the boxes contain things that belong to my daughters. They and their stuff don't get free passes, but I do think of this house as still theirs, too.

Ok understood. I will use that info to ponder your original post.

SoT

[escapingman]

Boundary plan conveyed to exH in writing: 

"I will bring up exH's possessions from the basement and will put them in boxes in no organized fashion.  I will gather a minimum of X boxes per month and on the last Wednesday evening of the month, stack the gathered boxes on the outside porch.  exH or someone he designates may pick up any boxes off the porch on the last Thursday of the month.  Any boxes not picked up on that Thursday (no excuses allowed) will be taken to the dump or charity on Friday by me or someone I designate.  Any attempt to alter or complicate this plan will result in the immediate end of the plan. Upon an unfortunate end, 100% of exH's possessions will be taken to the dump and/or charity at my free will. I will notify exH when the removal is complete" 

I am thinking of doing something like that with my STBX items in the house, as that is her actual items I expect them to be picked up. I will probably fill as many boxes I can and then text MIL and tell her that STBX's items will be outside my house at X day and time for collection. If not picked up the boxes will probably be rained at and possible stolen over night.

[Poison Ivy]

For several years (starting about 4 years before the divorce), my ex has lived in a city 150 miles away (in the house he grew up in). Continuing issues include him in essence abandoning me and his responsibilities regarding the house and its contents; his general lack of responsibility about many "adult" matters; and him ghosting me. I realized going into the divorce process that, for better or worse, I would likely have to deal with the stuff. He does come to my (formerly our) house a few times per year, when our children are visiting from out of state. (Their disinclination to visit him at his hoarded-up home is a subject for a different thread.) For a while, every time he came to the house, I asked him to look around and take things that he wanted. The one item that I was very insistent that he take was a musical instrument that he used in high school and let one of our children use in high school. It might be worth several thousand dollars. (In my head: "Just put the f'ing instrument into your car and take it with you!" I didn't say that aloud.) Suffice to say that I gave him many opportunities to take things he wanted, and I've spent much time and thousands of dollars dealing with his neglect of the house and its contents.

[SonofThunder]

Boundary plan conveyed to exH in writing: 

"I will bring up exH's possessions from the basement and will put them in boxes in no organized fashion.  I will gather a minimum of X boxes per month and on the last Wednesday evening of the month, stack the gathered boxes on the outside porch.  exH or someone he designates may pick up any boxes off the porch on the last Thursday of the month.  Any boxes not picked up on that Thursday (no excuses allowed) will be taken to the dump or charity on Friday by me or someone I designate.  Any attempt to alter or complicate this plan will result in the immediate end of the plan. Upon an unfortunate end, 100% of exH's possessions will be taken to the dump and/or charity at my free will. I will notify exH when the removal is complete" 

I am thinking of doing something like that with my STBX items in the house, as that is her actual items I expect them to be picked up. I will probably fill as many boxes I can and then text MIL and tell her that STBX's items will be outside my house at X day and time for collection. If not picked up the boxes will probably be rained at and possible stolen over night.

I will respect my stbx's items in my example boundary plan. Therefore that is why I clearly communicate that I will discard or donate the day after a missed pickup.  I will protect the items from damage or theft in the period they remain on my porch.

Why?... because I desire to uphold my own good reputation and my continued desire to be a respectable human being. I desire to be treated the exact same way. I do not desire that other's learn/model disrespect by my behaviors, nor can I be accused of such, which would not reflect well on me in personal, business and legal settings. 
 
To each his/her own these types of decisions and I will respect that as well.  I can only control my own actions and reactions and I find comfort and joy in that fact.

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, there is zero chance STBX wouldn't have her items collected. She is way to possessive of her stuff.

[Poison Ivy]

Here are a few more suggestions: 1) If you can, include provisions about disposition of personal property in the divorce agreement. 2) Don't manage only your ex's stuff; manage your own, too.

[Jolie40]

the best way to get rid of stuff is to have a person who is not emotionally attached help you

when PD parent went into NH & sibling-in-charge decided to sell house, husband, child, & I helped several days with packing, sorting, etc

when I came across things of sibling from childhood, I showed & asked the wife if she wanted item & answer was always "no" cause she was not attached to anything

sibling-in-charged got helpers in to throw most of everything away
I was tasked with going through the dining room buffet which had several drawers stuffed to the top
carefully, I was going through items & not just throwing everything away so it was taking time
the next day, I came back to help & the rest of the drawers were totally empty
"wife" didn't like that I was taking time & my guess is she threw EVERYTHING away w/o looking at it
I was not happy!

so if you have an "unattached to anything" person help you, thing will quickly disappear

[Poison Ivy]

Great suggestion, Jolie40.

[SonofThunder]

Here are a few more suggestions: 1) If you can, include provisions about disposition of personal property in the divorce agreement. 2) Don't manage only your ex's stuff; manage your own, too.