Adult sister, BPD and substance abuse

[Anna24]

My sister is using substances again, and I can tell by her behavior changes that she is in trouble with drugs and maybe anorexia. The problem is that my mom is in denial. She is exhausted and cannot cope with the reality of my sister's lying and drug abuse. I am unfortunately in a situation where I see the decline, and I cannot 'look away'... I spend the most time with her. My parents are the ones who need to have an intervention with her, but my mom does not want to hear bad news.

I need some wisdom -- is there something I should do?

Al-anon and my therapist tell me to stay out of it and focus on my own recovery from depression. As part of her BPD, I know she is telling me things, and then saying she has decided not to tell her therapist, or anyone else, until the final 'crisis' hour. She has been back in touch with former partners and drug dealers who enabled her substance abuse. It is manipulative to tell only me, but now I am the only one who knows. She will deny it if I ask her to tell our parents or her therapist.

What is my responsibility here?? She is a 30 year old adult living at home.

[sandpiper]

My sister would set up these scenarios and then if I told someone else she was experiencing a problem, she'd deny it, accuse me of lying, and use it as an excuse to create drama and set up the 'Bad Sister' thing to show that I was the bad one. She used that as a strategy to pit us all against each other - it was awful. I'm nearly 20 years NC and I still feel awful when I think back to those mind games.
I don't know if they do it consciously, but one of the things that my sister's friend admitted was that ubdsis had a long history of setting up 'tests' to see if her friends would jump through the required hoops that she put up to see if they qualified as friends.
I call them 'enabler exams' and I think the best thing you can do here is to fail them.
I remember reading somewhere that the definition of co-dependence is that when you die, someone else's life flashes before your eyes, not your own.
There are any number of ways you can deal with this - but ultimately you have to choose what is right for you.
There are no right answers when it comes to dealing with a sibling with untreated dual diagnosis.
Just the need for self-care and creating a good support network around yourself so that they don't drain you to the point where you are emotionally exhausted and unable to live a good life.
Been there.

[Big Bear]

Anna,

I know how it can be hard to be around someone who has a substance abuse addiction.     Stay strong, we are here for you. 

A former co-worker of mine was a substance abuser.  For months she hid this truth from all of us.  Then one day at work I witnessed her collapse onto the floor.  We called emergency medical services and she was taken to the emergency department at our local hospital.  We later learned that her blood alcohol that day was many times above the legal limit for driving.  She had been secretly going to her car and drinking on her breaks at work.  She was admitted to a 2 month inpatient rehab program and given a special leave of absence from work.  Her position was held for her and we were not allowed to hire anyone for that position until she had been given a second chance at the job.  When she returned to work I expressed genuine interest in how she was doing.  She said that she was doing fine and acted as if nothing had happened.  However, a few weeks later she relapsed and was eventually fired.  It was hard for me to witness this self-destructive behavior.  We had done so much to try to help her.  We made it through those two months short-staffed to no avail.  Two of my co-workers even went to visit her in the rehab program.  We really wanted her to make it!  I had to keep in mind that this was her life to live.

Please remember the 3 Cs: I didn't Cause this, I can't Cure this, and I can't Control this.  You are not responsible for your sister's life choices.  You are not responsible for your mother's enabling behavior.  Please stay away from this situation as much as you can.  Please consider living as independently as you can at this point.  Please do not let anyone put you between a rock and a hard place.  Do not take sides or become entangled in this web.  I understand that you want to help, but please protect yourself!  I know that this will not be easy.  Hang in there!   

I had a friend who spent thirty years as a homeless alcoholic and drug addict.  After living such a hard life so long, one day he decided that enough was enough and he was going to get sober.  He joined alcoholics anonymous and made it twelve years sober.  I remember him showing me his ten year sobriety award from AA.  He was as proud as a new mom holding her baby or an Olympic athlete holding a medal.  He knew that he had been committed to this and he stuck with it.  He told me that he took it one day at a time.  One day at a time for over ten years!  I was so inspired to see him beaming.  However, keep in mind that he suffered for years before he decided to change.  It may well take your sister years of hitting rock bottom before she even considers getting help.  So there is hope, even in the toughest situations.

Again, please remember the 3 Cs: I didn't Cause this, I can't Cure this, and I can't Control this. 

Stay strong, you can make it through this!  It sounds like you have a good therapist.  That is a great accomplishment, you are taking a step toward healing!   

Big Bear