Toxic relationship has me confused

[lostoctopus]

Hi,

The last couple months have been an absolute nightmare because I've realized that my partner might have undiagnosed BPD and although this was a lightbulb moment for me because it explains so much of what has been going on the last few years, the further I research BPD, toxic relationships, emotional abuse, the more confused I become (emotional dissonance I think they call it).

I'm starting to examine my own behaviour and really questioning myself a lot which is making me feel so confused especially because my partner and I started in couples therapy together which I feel like has just made things harder emotionally for me, it has added even more confusion (e.g. will it help our relationship, will their behaviour change?). I acknowledge that people in relationships both contribute to the problems and I definitely have; however, I'm struggling to confirm in my mind that there is emotional abuse directed at me. 

We've only done a few sessions together, but I feel like it has barely scratched the surface of what's going on and I'm not sure how to bring up a lot of what's going on in the relationship. I don't even know if I want to continue in the relationship at this point because of their past behaviour, the patterns, the emotional instability, and hurtful things they have said. I don't even know how to end the relationship even if I decided I needed to because of possible trauma bonding and also because I do care about them. What makes it harder is a family member has seen their behaviour recently, and then I disclosed past history, and they are urging me to leave the relationship.

Has any one had similar experiences?

Thanks

[SonofThunder]

Hi,

The last couple months have been an absolute nightmare because I've realized that my partner might have undiagnosed BPD and although this was a lightbulb moment for me because it explains so much of what has been going on the last few years, the further I research BPD, toxic relationships, emotional abuse, the more confused I become (emotional dissonance I think they call it).

I'm starting to examine my own behaviour and really questioning myself a lot which is making me feel so confused especially because my partner and I started in couples therapy together which I feel like has just made things harder emotionally for me, it has added even more confusion (e.g. will it help our relationship, will their behaviour change?). I acknowledge that people in relationships both contribute to the problems and I definitely have; however, I'm struggling to confirm in my mind that there is emotional abuse directed at me. 

We've only done a few sessions together, but I feel like it has barely scratched the surface of what's going on and I'm not sure how to bring up a lot of what's going on in the relationship. I don't even know if I want to continue in the relationship at this point because of their past behaviour, the patterns, the emotional instability, and hurtful things they have said. I don't even know how to end the relationship even if I decided I needed to because of possible trauma bonding and also because I do care about them. What makes it harder is a family member has seen their behaviour recently, and then I disclosed past history, and they are urging me to leave the relationship.

Has any one had similar experiences?

Thanks

Hello lostoctopus,

First, a warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Glad you decided to walk the trails together, and have pulled up a chair around the forum's conversational campfires. 

The experiences you write about are very familiar and also shared among many here.  You are not alone!   You already received some great advise in your Welcome Mat board post, so i will not repeat that here, but second the advise given. 

I do want to recommend three resources that I believe will assist in you in great ways. 

First is Dr Ramani's YouTube series on terminology and understanding the related experiences.  https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

Second, since you are already in couples therapy, here is a Dr Ramani video on that subject.  https://youtu.be/8FXOFHRIUHQ

Third, a book recommendation that changed my life and taught me SO much about myself and also my role in a relationship with potentially personality disordered people. 

Book Title:  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist,  by Fjelstad. 

I highly suggest you always keep your learning, discoveries, plans and actions totally private.  When disordered people become aware of our activities, their awareness becomes like our exposed 'war-plans' that the PD uses to creatively intensify the abuse. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

On this website there is a resource called 100 Traits.  It was very useful to me in realizing the amount of abuse I was dealing with.  It also gave me words for things I only intuitively new were not quite right but could not verbalize.