Fake Friend Encounter

[BuzzyBee]

I left my previous job of 5 years in July, due to stress and being passed over for promotion repeatedly. My old workplace was very toxic, but I tried to survive there because it paid the bills and was good experience at a large company. When I left peoples true colors were starting to show. I thought I had a few friends there, but I was wrong. One girl, she was always wanting me to be around her for everything lunch, events, walking around the building, tradeshows. We took pictures together went out for happy hours she even invited me to an exercising class with her. We had lunch almost everyday together. She was thoughtful about birthdays gifts etc. But when it came to work, she would not help me learn anything about her product line. She would make comments that passive aggressively put me down. I didnt know this but figured it out before leaving, she was a huge gossip and told everything I told her in confidence behind my back to our boss and others. It was like mixed signals. On one side she seemed to like me and the other side she was out for her own self interests professionally. But when I tried to back off she would try to keep me close. She was controlling, but very low key about it if this makes sense and tried to play it off as she was nice. She always wanted to drive everyone in her car, which seemed like a nice thing but also a control thing. She would have her clique, and sometimes invited me and sometimes didn't. One time another clique member invited me to a lunch she planned and she seemed so mad it was like it ruined her meal... It was like I caught glimpses of her true self and then she'd be so fake nice it was like it didn't happen. When I finally gave my notice, I put something on Facebook too. She is always on there commenting as soon as anyone posts something. I noticed she didn't say anything on that post which is not like her. I shrugged it off, but then in person she avoided me my last two weeks. Walked right past me. I knew something was up. She finally on my last day said an awkward goodbye but I could tell she was not happy with me for leaving the company or finding a better job. Another girl at the job suggested I unfriend her from Facebook, and when I left the company I did unfriend her and another guy that is the same as her and they're friends. I never heard a word from her, she actually went to LinkedIn to unfriend me there which is fine. But I've had to see her a couple times with another ex coworker I like. Its been very hard and awkward because she's glaring at me but won't talk to me just talks to everyone around me being extra fake nice. I saw her last night and she has a new victim, a new girl that was hired on before I left. They were attached at the hip. The funny thing is she didn't want to hire that girl, but said that she picked her in front of everyone. I was on the interview team with her, and she did NOT want to pick her she was lying to that girl. I helped get the girl hired. And I saw as soon as she was hired, my Fairweather friend was treating her far better than I was ever treated like practically rolling out the red carpet for her and was actually training her on the products she refused to train me on. I put up with all the bad behavior, because I thought the place was so toxic, maybe these people are just defensive. But it appeared they just didn't like me "enough." It hurts but I was putting up with alot of negativity to be their friend anyway. It was my mistake going last night although I was hoping she wouldn't be there. I know next time to ask to not to be around her or just not go. There's only 1 girl I do consider a good person and kept in contact with me through it all. I just want to put 99.9% of that place behind me lol

[Catothecat]

Been in your shoes numerous times, Bee!

In my opinion, based on my experiences, work and genuine friendships rarely go together.  You can be friendly with people you work with, even socialize with them, but becoming a real friend can be difficult because if push comes to shove, the job comes first. 

This so-called friend was never a friend.  When I've encountered people like her, their agenda seems to be finding some way to enhance their own status.  The people that surround them are only a reflection of their ability to manipulate and control, as you observed.  They know that.  They wear these "friends" like badges of conquest.  And often it's also a way to keep those who they find "threatening" in line.  If they didn't feel threatened by your abilities, they wouldn't bother trying to cultivate you as a "friend."

So naturally the "friendship" only lasted as long as the job, because once you were gone you had no more value for her.  The relationship was only as good as your presence on the job, if that makes sense.  She showed you who she really was, she deceived you, but none of it has anything to do with you.  And yes, she is certainly choosing her future victims. 

Be glad you're done with her and have moved on.  The road you were on was going nowhere, not as long as she had her hooks in you.  Unfortunately, toxic workplaces become toxic because of people like her.  Like does seem to attract like, and it's best not to take it personally because it actually isn't personal.  They will treat anyone the way they treated you.   And they will turn on whoever is within reach at the first opportunity.   

Again, be happy you're out of that toxic stew! 

[pianissimo]

BuzzyBee, I agree with you that she sounds off.  About friendships at work, I think they work if some boundaries are observed. An important one is the work relationship itself. You might become friends with someone from work, but they might not want to talk about their work, or they might not want to work with you in the workplace. Getting along personally doesn't mean two parties would get along well professionally. So, I wouldn't judge her for not helping you learn something she does at work, if this is not in her job description. What she does at work is her business, as long as that doesn't affect your performance. But she seems to have crossed the boundary she set for herself by putting you down at work, and going behind your back with the gossip. From what you write, it sounds like she crossed these boundaries multiple times and interfered with your position at work, but she tried to keep you off her own business. This is, like you said, quite controlling and abusive. All the best with the new job.