My mum's at breaking point with N dad

[cinderella]

My N Dad has complex health problems, including heart failure and yesterday came out of hospital. He's refused any care package claiming he can do everything himself, which simply isn't true. My mum has also had flu and has been in floods of tears to friends that she can't cope with him home and tbh, I think is having a bit of a breakdown. Nevertheless, he claimed he wanted to get home to look after her and the hosp gave me no choice but to bring him home despite my claims of it being an unsafe discharge.

After getting home, he wet himself and sat in dirty trousers all evening, refusing to acknowledge it. He fell asleep in the toilet for an hour before needing help to get to bed as his blood sugars dropped and he'd got cold.

How on earth do you get care in place for someone like this? They live in the middle of nowhere: if they can get care, I'm not sure carers would want to come back.

I think my Mum is starting to come Out of the FOG after 50 odd years marriage. I'm not sure how to support her through this, but she really just needs to get away from here at the moment.

[Empie2204]

Hello, cinderella!

I feel so sad to read what your mother and you are going through.
A couple of years ago I was to some extent in your mother´s shoes, so to say.
Only, two decades of marriage less than her. But it´s never too late to come Out of the FOG.

The truth that some things appear as true to us if they are repeated enough times, applies to re-education, too. I mean, we who live(d) in the fog, did so because we accepted the fog as a normal state of things.
When I started to educate myself about it, I did not start to change immediately. It took time, the critical mass of events, and the people who directed me to leave my "comfort" zone.

Do it with your mother. Start with questions. They are better than statements or direct advice. She has to answer for herself.
Like this:  Mom, do you have to put up with that?
Or: Who benefits if you destroy your health?
Or: Is dad honest when he says he will take care of you?

Or some other questions that you can think of.
Maybe it´s a manipulation but who cares? This kind of manipulation does not destroy anyone. Not even your dad. He does it quite well. And he destroys your mom, too.

Offer your mother everything possible for education: this channel, some friends or relatives to talk to ...
That´s the way to make this other truth believable: that fog is unnatural and unhealthy.

[Tribe16]

Do it with your mother. Start with questions. They are better than statements or direct advice. She has to answer for herself.
Like this:  Mom, do you have to put up with that?
Or: Who benefits if you destroy your health?
Or: Is dad honest when he says he will take care of you?

Or some other questions that you can think of.
Maybe it´s a manipulation but who cares? This kind of manipulation does not destroy anyone. Not even your dad. He does it quite well. And he destroys your mom, too.

Oh my goodness - this is gold right there. A simple switch from a statement to a question. Thank you for this Empie!

[Empie2204]

Tribe 16,
thank you for your kind words.
This knowledge is earned in pain, as many of the people here know.
It sounds effective but it is difficult to apply if and when we are emotionally engaged. For the most part, we are.
I just want to say that knowing is one level and realizing another one but is surely worth trying.
Hugs to all! 

[1footouttadefog]

You might get with the department of human services in your area.  They likely have case workers you could discuss the situation with.