Two realizations I've had about gaslighting and gift giving

[easterncappy]

The first realization: "If my memory was as bad as my gaslighting mother acts like it was, I would have been extensively studied as the world's first case of childhood dementia, and I'd probably have a section dedicated to me in a medical textbook, because that just does not happen the way she talks like it does!". :p

Seriously - that woman would have you believe that I can't remember my own name correctly from how she speaks about me.

The second realization, this one requires a bit more context: "Gift giving is a one way street. Gifts should not be given with the expectation that you'll get something in return for them."

I'm in a Facebook group for people who deal with abusive family members... we had a real treat a couple of days ago, where a person posted about their "abusive" daughter not giving them an equivalent gift for their birthday after they got her a gift for her birthday. There were other things in the post that indicated "PD parent who seems to be lost because this group is not for them but about them".

And the comments were filled with people telling the OP, "gift giving is a one way street, you should not give gifts with the expectation that you'll get something in return". Dozens of people saying this... and criticizing the other "iffy" things about that person's post that indicated that they are the problem.

I was floored. I'm 25, moved out, have my own life and family... and I just now learned that the pressure I feel in my mind to give someone a gift after they've given me a gift is the product of my upbringing. Especially now since we're relatively poor and just had a baby, and lots of people gave me gifts for the baby... I felt terrible that I can't do much more than "thank you" cards for them. My mom insisted that I need to buy something for everyone who even donated used baby items to me, but especially if they got me new baby items.

[Maxtrem]

For your first realization, it is quite similar for me. My uPBDm rewrites the story all the time to make herself look like a victim. And conveniently she always mentions that it's because I don't have a good memory.

I have almost no memory of my childhood, which is a defense mechanism to limit the damage to my psyche, but no according to her it's just another proof that I have a very bad memory. My uPBDm says I was such a happy child, yet I have memories of wanting to die when I was between 6 and 8 years old... Gaslighting can drive anyone crazy!

For your 2nd realization I think it's because with PD parents we are used to having to give back much more than we receive. 

[NarcKiddo]

The gift situation was always a thing with my uNPD mother, too.

She specified the precise gift she wanted to receive, and did so until fairly recently (say 10 years ago?). She is now in her 70s.

The good thing about that was that she never asked for anything financially out of reach (presumably to ensure we could not realistically deny her the requested item) and as time went on I quite liked it because it took all the bother out of it. But it always denied me the pleasure of gift giving. I used to spend a great deal of time trying to find something suitable for my sister even though she never returned the effort. I stopped when I discovered everything I buy her ends up on Ebay and now I just buy stuff I know she can easily sell on Bay since that is where it will end up.

Gifts from our mother are always spectacularly ill-chosen.

[Leonor]

Hello Easterncappy lovely mama,

You don't feel guilty about a thing, especially in regards to baby presents!!!

Every normal person looooves to give baby gifts because it's just such a beautiful, joyful occasion and everything is so little and soft and adorable. And those of us who remember those tough first couple of months, when you're living on love alone because you're not sleeping, eating or saving much, are delighted to hand over whatever we have in our attic or basement for new parents.

[MarieIsFree]

Wow. This is totally me... I get so uncomfortable getting gifts because it makes me feel guilty and also tired: because then I have to invest in thinking about what the reciprocity should be. This is absolutely from a childhood of taking care of everybody else (as in, my dad) before myself. Thank you for this!

[Jolie40]

absolutely not! one doesn't give a gift back when receiving gifts for a baby
however, thank you notes are appreciated

I once held a baby shower for a neighbor & gave a gift for shower
then once baby arrived,I was so excited & went over to give another gift

the neighbor was upset! she said "now I have to write Another thank you card"
her response took me aback & of coarse I said, don't write another thank you card
people can understand being overwhelmed after having a baby so don't worry over thank you notes

Congratulations!

[moglow]

A couple of thoughts come to brain today ...

It is possible you don't remember things because they didn't happen, OR because there was injury [whether physical, emotional, mental] that has been blocked. I have some of both - I have large blanks in my memory. Some things will appear at random, sometimes I'm reminded, Others I just can't reach and I've come to believe that might be for the best. Regardless - what your mother thinks of you, your memory, is not your stuff. She needs to work through that herself, without your input.

On the gifting, It's been my experience that people gift because they choose and/or are able to, reciprocal gifting is never required. The comparisons of "I gave her x and she only gave me y" is petty and childish, and you don't have to participate in that either. A stony look or silence usually gets that message across without any froufrou! Me, I always try to send thank yous, particularly after a party or shower - in the excitement of the moment it's easy to forget who may or may not have been thanked personally. The premise is to "shower" the honoree with necessary items for baby/home/wedding etc, so reciprocal gifting in that case make even less sense really. My mother was notorious for demanding thank you cards and/or questioning why she'd not received one [always behind someone's back, of course], yet I can tell you honestly I never remember her writing or sending one herself.

[Cat of the Canals]

The premise is to "shower" the honoree with necessary items for baby/home/wedding etc, so reciprocal gifting in that case make even less sense really.

Agreed. I've never heard of reciprocal gifts for any type of shower. It'd be like giving people gifts at YOUR birthday. (Which my PDmil comes dangerously close to expecting, frankly.)

Gifts from my MIL and my own mother always have strings attached. They don't generally demand specific or reciprocal gifts, but they do act as if their gifts entitle them to things. MIL used to bring "gifts" as an excuse to show up at our home whenever she wanted. She seemed to believe that since she'd brought a gift, we "had" to entertain her.

My aunt (suspected BPD) is very odd about gifts, as well. She's more or less told me she keeps a running tally of everything she ever spends money on when out with friends, and gets quite annoyed if things are not "balanced" down to the penny. She lives out of the country, so when she sends gifts to me (usually a check), it comes from my mother. Card that my mother bought, in mother's handwriting: "From [Aunt]". I forgot ONE TIME to immediately thank my aunt, and she got huffy as all get out.  The truth was, I barely remembered receiving the gift because it "feels" like I'm actually receiving a gift from my mother.