Tis the Season To Be Wobbly

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I wonder how everyone is doing with holidays coming up?  I just found out the people I always spend Thanksgiving with whom I invited again are all going elsewhere.  It took them a while to get back to me. It makes me teary.  I'll have to find something good to do for (and by) myself.

I'm coming up on the anniversary of going NC with my PDex -- 3 years in Dec.  So far I'm not having the soul-aching longing to be with him I've had the past few holiday seasons.  Whew! .  But I was never used to living alone before then, which I've done ever since, and I feel a "hole" in my life ... and in my heart, too, I guess.  I teeter in and out of mild depression.  It goes up and down but it's getting better each year.  It truly is.

I have to remember.  Yes this is hard for me.  But this is the way of hope.  Things can look up and get better.  While I'm sometimes melancholy, I'm also sometimes quite happy.   I can heal; and I am.   It was the opposite when I was with him.  The Jekyll and Hyde cycle was getting worse, with more of the time bad and a meaner Hyde.  And I, totally caught in it.   It makes me shudder.  Man, what we've all been through on this PD journey!   I wish you well these coming weeks.  If you have getting-through-the-holiday tips, I'd love to hear them!   <3 <3 <3  Free

[SonofThunder]

I embody this quotation:

"Its almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety, to my fancy Christmas anxiety."

SoT

[losingmyself]

My anxiety is growing with each day. Mostly because I don't want to go into the holiday season with H, but here I am. Maybe that will be my Christmas present to me!
I am going to invite myself, kids and H to my sister's house, to avoid having to spend yet another holiday with my IL's. That's the awesome thing about my family, we can say "We're coming over, if that's ok. What should we bring?"
If I ever found myself alone on the holidays, I think I would fill my time with volunteering at the community Thanksgiving meal. They're always looking for volunteers, and I think I would be surrounded by good people, and also be busy. It does the heart good to help others.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am sending all of you warmth, good vibes and best wishes for a peaceful holiday.

My children are traveling with my ex overseas to see a DD.  This after my admission of physical abuse only a month or so ago.  So it hurts.  But they are adults and they can do what they want and I can't do anything about it.

I have decided that I am going to head  south for a few weeks and spend some time on the beach - by myself,  A different atmosphere, warm sun and my lovely little campervan. 

I guarantee that a I will have a better holiday than traveling overseas - 20 hour plane ride, different city and different language/food - with my exOCPDh.  I wish them the best and I'm very glad that I'm not part of that fiasco.

[losingmyself]

JKT
Jealous!!!
I hope you have a wonderful relaxing holiday!!
I live where there's snow and 20- degree temps for the next 6 months. A warm beach sounds like paradise.

[SonofThunder]

JKT
Jealous!!!
I hope you have a wonderful relaxing holiday!!
.......A warm beach sounds like paradise.

SoT

[Pepin]

Yeah....I have mixed feelings about the holidays because of being on unfamiliar ground after CN MIL's passing.  She has spent every single Xmas with us except for a handful and same with Thanksgiving.  Now that she is gone, there is no "protocol" to follow.  She would have ramped up her inquiries at the end of summer in order to nail down her presence.  She always had other invites but turned them down because she wanted to be with us - yet we never had a say because DH was ruled by the guilt that she would be alone after turning down those invites. 

At the moment it truly seems awkward preparing for the holidays without her.  I can't be too giddy about it or DH will take offense of course.  At the same time, I'm really grieving over the fact that all the previous holidays never should have been celebrated with her and are stained.  While I look forward to happier holidays, it is difficult to swallow that they should have been happy all along.  As a family, we are all starting to move in different directions anyway and the days of just us as a nuclear family are going to come to an end.  And I am sad for that.  But.  I will take what I can get as a mother.  I will never treat my adult children or their partners the way DH and I were treated.  That brings me peace. 

[moglow]

Hey! For several years I volunteered with a free/donation-only Thanksgiving dinner - several local restaurants band together and provide supplies, the bulk of cooking and serving takes place at one. All the servers, kitchen help, cleanup etc is volunteer. I LOVED it! I had an ironclad reason to be unavailable elsewhere, I was distracted and exhausted by the end of the day, and we served a LOT of people. I highly recommend something like this as a cure for what ails a person. Even if all you're able to do is roll utensils, it's something that's needed and you're with like minded souls for the duration.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's good to hear everyone's experience.  I've thought of traveling to camp in a warm spot.  Or getting together and helping and sharing in a community deal.  Or talking with friends who don't have family close by to see if they want to spend part of the day together.  This is all for T Day.  I'll be with FOC for Christmas this year.

I do an overwhelming amount of service work with others, which is why I balk on that.  But it's absolutely the case that getting out of myself is good medicine!  The one way I don't want to spend the holiday is sitting alone feeling depressed and unwanted!  A trip back to my childhood experience?  No thanks!

[Starboard Song]

I am big fan of counter-programming the holidays.

Eating turkey and dressing by yourself is depressing: taking an 8-mile hike in the mountains is not.

We changed our approach to Christmas after going NC with my in-laws: we needed more gift-giving to enliven the day for our young son. But we've also done holiday bowling, holiday movies, and holiday hikes.

Reasonable, crazy option: find a bed and breakfast not far from home and book it for a holiday. Lots of bed and breakfasts are open on these days, and the guests you'll meet will ALL have great stories about what the hell they are doing at a bed and breakfast on Thanksgiving. Yours won't be the craziest.

Good strength to you.

[moglow]

Reasonable, crazy option: find a bed and breakfast not far from home and book it for a holiday. Lots of bed and breakfasts are open on these days, and the guests you'll meet will ALL have great stories about what the hell they are doing at a bed and breakfast on Thanksgiving. Yours won't be the craziest.

Love this! I have a friend with a similarly difficult parental unit - She splurged and booked herself into fancy schmancy resort hotel for Christmas last year, in her own town and within just a few miles of her house. She bought schmooshie new pajamas and robe, lived in them for the weekend when not in spa treatments. Ate well from room service and in-house restaurant, tipped heavily and got great service, slept like a goddess. Zero regrets.

[Call Me Cordelia]

100%!!! Our first Christmas NC I was in the stage of thinking every car that came down our street was my parents come to punish me. So we took the money we had budgeted for plane tickets to my PD IL's and had a really nice vacation somewhere snowy we could drive to. We all went snowshoeing and cross-country skiing, Christmas caroling, and opened a few presents around the fire. I felt safe and it is a happy memory for our family.

Another thing I have learned into being NC is simply being okay with less stuff for my family at Christmas. This one is easy for me to be wobbly with because it's "my fault" that my children no longer receive anything from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. And myself and DH too, I guess, but our gifts were always crappy and are never missed!  And they compare with their friends, as kids will do. The other kids really do get a lot more stuff. And multiple family parties and big dinners on and around the big days. Our Christmases are comparatively quiet. And their parents complain about having to find homes for it all and manage the thank you notes and appearance of gratitude, and find yet another white elephant gift and make yet another casserole to bring.  I'm not going to overcompensate in that area, because I know that will just breed more discontent and resentment. It's better to just let our family be different than try to indulge the impulse to denial.

We are having Thanksgiving this year with another family in a similar situation vis a vis difficult family. We will be having the traditional turkey and stuffing and pie, splitting the cooking, but also enjoying a shared hobby together. Nobody cares about watching football! Hooray! (I always had a migraine after family Thanksgiving, in part because football was always on full volume.)