I broke NC for 2h and caused N rage immediately

[SeaSalt]

After 1y full NC, I wrote to my N mother yesterday morning a long msg demanding that she protects my 4y niece from her pedophile husband.

I wrote that if she does not comply, I would expose her publicly and tell what her husband did to me as a child. Its not a first time I wrote her msg where I call her or him out. Until now she never reacted.
Why did I do this 1) I felt like I had to do more to protect my niece

2) I wanted my N mother to understand that my relationship with her is beyond repair. I been 6 years NC on and off VLC but I am done now for good.  I blocked her everywhere. Our relatives stopped asking me about her. I don't even think of her almost ever. She still sometimes tries to call, about once a month.

What happened after my msg, was such an eye opener for me. The one I really needed.

a) My brother called me and try to order me to give him my address so he can come to teach me a lesson. I answered that the police will be waiting for him. and I hang up.

b) I called my mother to tell her to calm down my brother. She was black. She was out. She was in the worst N rage imaginable. Her voice was different. So deep. She was enraged the way she was when I was under her roof. I forgot how that was. I told her to calm my brother down. She was not listening, she was screaming to me with extreme passion in her voice that she will kill my father and burn his house. She repeated is several times wanting to be sure that it hits me. She was saying it as she wanted to know that it will be my fault. She sounded like a devil in person. She was saying the verb "killing" with such an emphasis. She was enjoying herself in that moment.  I hang up and wrote her that I will stop here. As long as nobody gets hurt I will not expose my stepfather anymore. Than I blocked her.

I was shaken up in the moment. I was afraid she could really hurt my father. Than I calmed down and realized that she was saying this threat to me always when I lived with her: that she would burn me alive and the house. And she never did. She did her boyfriend to try to push my father of the road and cause an accident when she was still married with my father. So I do know that she is capable to hurt. But she would be the first suspect if something would to happen to him. And I would never stop until she would pay for it. So she knows it and she will not do it.
I did not even say anything to my father. What for? he can not live in a bunker. She was threatening him also few months ago, so nothing new.

And for my brother, if he comes (and I live 16h away) I ll call police. He knows I will. I am done with him as well. Thanx to this situation I understood that my brother is also an N. No doubt of that. He is ready to beat me up for me trying to protect this daughter from a pedophile. He will rather his daughter to be abused than risk family reputation and business. I hope that this will be a wake-up call for his wife. What kind of man is ready to beat up his sister just because she is saying out-loud the truth he does not want to hear.

After that morning I blocked them all and made clear to myself that no matter what happens next, its not me that caused it but: 1) my mothers toxicity, 2) my mothers choice of bringing pedophile at home, 3) my father's not doing anything to protect his children at any point, and 4) my brother being golden child and transforming into copy past of our N mother.

And then I got a burst of energy. I feel so much lighter. I feel like a huge burden fall off my back. It felt sooo good to expose them. It felt so good to speak my truth, so confront my mother. To set boundary with my brother. To be that loving adult to my niece that she needs. Last few months everything was hurting me physically and I was depressed, and my work felt overwhelming. But now I feel great.

What makes me feel great post this drama is that I finally got some answers that I needed desperately. I finally understood that with my brother there will be never a repair. We never had a brother and sister relationship (our mother kept us distant and I was more a babysiter/mom than a sister ever) and never will. I have it clear now. I do not want another N in my life and he definitely behaves exactly as our mother. I do not want to have contact with my mothers minion that is ready to hurt me for her. No way.

It felt good that I had a courage to stand up to my mother and fight to protect my niece, but I also know  that as long as my brother and his wife are married, I will not be able to have contact with my niece. At least now I have it clear.

And last and very important point I understood that I have to stay away from the place where they all live. I was planning to visit my father but had a bad feeling about it since the FOO live close by. Now I have it clear: I am not going to put my FOC in that drama and stress. We can meet my father somewhere else or he is welcome at our place (but he does not want to travel, thats another story).

I feel like I freed up a lot of energy with all this. I feel physically stronger now. I feel lighter, with clear mind. Suddenly the same workload does not seem so hard. I think that all of those question marks were tiering me and I had a burden of not having protected my niece enough. It was not easy to do and we can still have some bad consequences, but it was the right thing to do, imo.

Sorry for a long post. Its therapeutic for me to write it down to this community, since nobody else can really understand.

If you have suggestions on what i should do or could have done better, I will be happy to hear it. Thank you for reading.

[Srcyu]

That was never going to go well.
Resurfacing after a year to raise unpalatable truths will have inflamed them all. The audacity of yourself to call them out on something really bad. To actually threaten them. They will never admit any wrong doing, only you can be accused of that. Deep down, they know it's true but they will never, ever let that out.

You rose to the top of the pecking order with your contact. Mother tried to stamp you back down again.
Brother will fly to her defence and tackle you any way he can.

You broke through all their defences which is why they are so angry. Well Done, you!
You feel light because it needed to be said.

I can't suggest anything that you could have done better.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. I agree that was never going to go well. When people make threats of seriously harmful stuff, or you have every reason to believe a child is being harmed, my opinion is it's best to take that seriously and bring in the people who can actually do something about it.

[Hattie]

Well, there's clearly no point talking to your family about this. I guess the only option here to protect your niece is to report this situation to the social services or police.

I'm glad you felt better for blocking them.

[SeaSalt]

Dear Cordelia and Hattie I wish that would work. Unfortunately, they live in a small and relatively poor country that is very corrupted. My FOO on top of it is very wealthy and well connected there. They do some criminal stuff a part of their huge legitimate business, but I never got to understand what exactly the illegal part is. They are the kind of people you do not want to mess arounf with. (which makes me crazy for messing with them, I know).
In the country where they live there is no justice. There is only money that rules everything. So bringing my stepfather to the court would results only with me losing my peace and money that I dont really have extra (I did not take any of my FOO money to be sure to have no strings attached). They would probably even find a way to turn the court against me (with money of course).

Social services there also do absolutely nothing. Since most people are poor, as soon as they see a nice house, lot of food, etc they think everything is perfect. When my parents divorced, they came to our house and failed completely to notice that I lived in a hell. They fell directly into my mothers charming manipulation. They believed everything she told them.
(Plus my husband told me that he will divorce me if I do anything else that involves my FOO so now I will stay away from my FOO. ).

I dont even know what was I hoping to obtain with this move. I started thinking about it months ago and got obsessed, I said to my husband, and he told me absolutely never to do it. I promised I would not and than 2 days ago I did it at 5am almost as it was a higher force. I was not thinking anymore. I just knew I had to do it. There was no more reasoning. I did not even ask myself what will happen after.

I really feel as it had to happen because it was for better. Better for me for sure and for my FOC. Hopefully for my niece and her mother as well.

[SeaSalt]

Windmil thank you for your post. During VLC and NC I got to completely detach myself emotionally from my mother. I truly felt as she died. Or better, the imaginary mother I had only in my head and heart died when I had to accept that she does not exist. Now that I do not feel any emotion toward the woman that gave birth to me, its easier to call them out. To protect myself and my people.

You are right, after so many years of being a victim and being silent, it felt sooo good to take action, to demand, to show strength.

Thank you.

[M0009803]

I think there are certain core issues from a moral and ethical standpoint that can drive us to stick our heads over the proverbial parapet in order to break NC.

Protecting a small child from the potential clutches of a pedophile would definitely qualify.

You did the right thing.

[moglow]

It needed to be said and the parents needed to know - I'd have probably gone directly to them and let mother do whatever she does with the information after the fact. She failed you miserably then, not a hard stretch to see her failing your niece now. People don't magically change with a new "source" - most of us continue what we know until we learn better.

Amazing that heads would be firmly in the sand all this time and they continue on as if that situation doesn't exist. Was your brother and sister in law fully aware of the abuse? I'm wondering if he lost it because of whatever warped interpretation he got from his mother, rather than knowing the facts from what you experienced. I say that because I saw mine manipulate countless others over the years, paint me as some horrible ogre for stating the obvious, without ever bothering to listen to me personally. She held on to her imaginary version of events come what may, obliterated anyone who claimed otherwise. I saw each of my brothers at various times LOSE IT over her version, then realize later she'd made it all up. We're all of one mind now, but it took a long time and a lot of chaos to get to this point.

Peace to you, SeaSalt. For some of us it's much harder won than it should be.

[SeaSalt]

Moglow thank you for your answer. I told my brother and his wife almost 2y ago that I was sexually molested by my stepfather and that they need to protect their daughter. The wife believed me but also told me later that since my brother does not want to believe it, the niece is sometimes left alone with my mother and the pedophile stepfather.

I know what my brothers problem is. He is affraid that my mother kicks him out the company. The only value he has is money so loosing his wealth its out of question. My mother will be always on my stephather's side so my brother is basically choosing between protecting his daughter or his secure wealth. And its no surprise to me what he keeps choosing.

My brother nor my mother ever asked me any questions about what my stepfather did to me. My mother asked me once why I am NC with the stephather. I said: you know. She said: Because he sexually abused you? I said: so you are not surprised. She looked other way annoyed and proclaimed: I will always be on his side. Not one question. Not one other comment. Not even a look.

My brother on the other side when I told him said: if that is true I will go to kill him right now. I answered him that he should not destroy his own life because of what i lived but he must protect his daughter. He sounded that time as he believed me. He called the two days after to tell me that he wants me out of his life and that he does not believe me. That was it.

I feel like I did the maximum I could to bring attention to it. I feel like I brought to it all the attention I could. I provided them all the info I had. I count on my sister in law now to assure that the niece is never left alone with the grandparents again.

On the other hand, I feel like doing this was so much needed for me. I feel like I finally left all their toxicity behind without any strings attached. I also feel like its finally clear everything, who is where and who chose what. I have no more question-marks and it feels great.

[moglow]

She said: Because he sexually abused you? I said: so you are not surprised. She looked other way annoyed and proclaimed: I will always be on his side. Not one question. Not one other comment. Not even a look.

Wow. She openly acknowledged that she knew and still chose him over her own child. So be it. I'd tuck that away where I didn't have to look at it, but would be there if needed later [even when she does inevitably deny it all].

SeaSalt, do what you can to be available for your niece on whatever level available. She may truly need you as she grows up, even if the relationship is fractured to some degree due to adults refusing to look out for her. It pisses me off that they're burning bridges for her.

[SeaSalt]

Thank you @Moglow. My mother choses herself always. She created this false image of a victim mother that after divorcing with my father that "beated her" (which was not true and nobody believed her but she tried) chose my stefather because she "needed a father for her children" and not because she liked him. She says she could have been with someone for her but she sacrificed herself for her children  Gaslighting in its finest form. She is attached so much to this absurd story and she does not want to let go. She is ready to loose everything but not to admit that chosing my stepfather was a mistake. Whats even more absurd is that my mother and my stepfather do not even like eachother. There is no attaraction, there is no connection, what is keeping them together is that they are partners in crime and support in that eachother always. he also would do anything she tells him to do even if its something really bad. And she would never let go of someone like that.

It does not bother me anymore. I grieved my mother. Yesterday I was forcing myself to stop thinking of my work so I force myself to think of my mother just to not think of work. This is a level at which we are. No emotions and no care from my side for her. I never ask anyone how she is doing because i do not want to be hypocrite. I will be happy when she will be gone. The world will be a better place that day.

Regarding my niece: I told my sister in law that her and her daugther will always have a safe place at my place (I live far away in a safe country) if they can exist that crazy family. If my niece will ever want me in her life, I will be there for her. BUT right now, my presence makes in her life a lot of drama so its better if I stay away for now.

My sister in law told me that if she would not have a child she would have divorced. I know that my brother is cheating on her at every corner so I imagine that they will eventually divorce and I think at that moment I will be able to be back to my niece's life. I will be patient.

[SeaSalt]

She said: Because he sexually abused you? I said: so you are not surprised. She looked other way annoyed and proclaimed: I will always be on his side. Not one question. Not one other comment. Not even a look.

Wow. She openly acknowledged that she knew and still chose him over her own child. So be it. I'd tuck that away where I didn't have to look at it, but would be there if needed later [even when she does inevitably deny it all].

The same evening when this chat with my mother happened where she admits she knew about the sexual abuse and said she did not care, literally 10min later we were at the tram station, she was going back to the hotel and i did not have any coins to buy her a ticket (when with her it was always me doing everything, as her personal assistant) and I asked her if she has any coins. She looked in her purse. There was so much tension in the air due to the conversation we just had. I wanted to break the tension with humor, so I said: you carry your whole house in that purse. She answered: YOU KNOW THAT SAY: GOD COULD NOT HAVE BEEN EVERYWHERE SO HE CREATED A MOTHER. As to say that she is such an amazing mother. 

I think if there would be Guinness record of absurdness, that situation would win easy