It's Me or the Dogs......

[FiveForFighting]

past posts I have shared about my uPDw lack of gratitude, lack of contentment and general lack of appreciation for anything. I also shared of my wife's desire to move for no apparent good reason. Jus becuase she wants to and is tired of the house, the yard, emabarassed by her driveway and garage and so on... she has ramped up the self imposed timeline move and puts the heat on everyone in the house to prepare and constantly be doign something to contribute to the upcoming move. As she mentioned to me again this weekend... you better get me out of this house. Her excue this time was the lack of space. it probably had nothing to do with the fact that she HAS to have all of her x-mas items out on display now and there are 50 plastic bins layign around the house. She has resorted to taking this up a notch and blaming the 2 dogs we have. I will have to get her a bigger house or the dogs have to go. She said that I am more important than the dogs..... dont you agree? (leading much?) I need you to support me in this she said... she bascially laid out all that she expects me to do to make the dream happen.... but the dogs? All of this stress put on herself by herself.... and she lays waste to everyone to accommodate and is not so polite in requesting.... it all amounts to a rage session around the house and all better comply. Apologies for the mispellings. Rant paused...

[Poison Ivy]

If I were in this situation and the dogs were minimally well behaved and affectionate, I'd say, "Spouse, I prefer the dogs. If you have problems with them, you can leave." (I'm not saying you should say this.)

[Srcyu]

 
You could keep it short and sweet and calmly tell her that the dogs are going nowhere.

[FiveForFighting]

I'd say, "Spouse, I prefer the dogs. If you have problems with them, you can leave." (I'm not saying you should say this.)

LOL...definitely not saying this although I thought that very thing and would love to keep the dogs. One is extremely well behaved (golden), one not so much (beagle) but still family members. I will not get rid of the dogs but am finding it very difficult to find ways to say it without increasing my temper or having a bad attitude. Part of me believes that she goes to these lengths to test to see how much control and power she can grasp. Everything is about control, power or compliance. its toxic. Everything is a need, want or complaint and there is no joy, peace or happiness to speak of.

[Rose1]

I wonder if you dropped the rope and said sure, move but I'm too busy right now so you will have to organise it all yourself, I would be willing to bet the idea fizzles out within 24 hours.

[FiveForFighting]

I wonder if you dropped the rope and said sure, move but I'm too busy right now so you will have to organise it all yourself, I would be willing to bet the idea fizzles out within 24 hours.

Hi Rose,
I am not sure that would be the case. In fact, I would submit it would be pretty much the opposite. She would up the stakes and would see that as a rejection of her personally or some type of personal attack. She would then flash and all hell would be levied on me and daughter and whomever else is nearby.... of course, only our family members though. She would be sure to let you know how her needs will be met and are to placed over everything and everyone else. What's more.... once the situation has subsided, she would keep the situation and the rejection at-the-ready so she could use rejection/hurt later to levy punishment all over again. That is running process of hers whenever she perceives herself to be wronged. At this point, it really couldnt be much worse.

[escapingman]

It's not about the dogs, if you get rid of them it will something else tomorrow.

[square]

I see the dogs as leverage. "You care about the dogs, so either you do what I want or I'll get rid of them and blame you for it so you feel bad."

[Rose1]

Oh dear. A much bigger problem then. Exbpdh often caved if he was obliged to do the work himself but also did not stop the complaints if course.
This sounds like a very difficult situation. She seems to be using anything she can to get her way.
Exbpdh's doctor told me that the only way to get through this is to stop playing the game, but that if I did stop he would escalate to try and keep the status quo.

He did but nothing like your pdw. His plan was to walk out and not let me know where he was. At the time I was so exhausted with that, working and 2 young children that I didn't go chasing after him and let it happen. It took about 3 months for me to start to get Out of the FOG and heal but I stayed out of the relationship. He has brought up that abandonment any time he gets a chance for many years now but my dds are grown and have very little to do with him. I'm nc.
It wasn't an easy journey but it was a good one for us as a family.

This escalation of bad behaviour to regain the level of caretaking they require is quite common because it's very effective.

[Leonor]

Has she in some way created this scenario in her mind in which she perceives the dogs as a threat to her control over you?

[escapingman]

Oh dear. A much bigger problem then. Exbpdh often caved if he was obliged to do the work himself but also did not stop the complaints if course.
This sounds like a very difficult situation. She seems to be using anything she can to get her way.
Exbpdh's doctor told me that the only way to get through this is to stop playing the game, but that if I did stop he would escalate to try and keep the status quo.

He did but nothing like your pdw. His plan was to walk out and not let me know where he was. At the time I was so exhausted with that, working and 2 young children that I didn't go chasing after him and let it happen. It took about 3 months for me to start to get Out of the FOG and heal but I stayed out of the relationship. He has brought up that abandonment any time he gets a chance for many years now but my dds are grown and have very little to do with him. I'm nc.
It wasn't an easy journey but it was a good one for us as a family.

This escalation of bad behaviour to regain the level of caretaking they require is quite common because it's very effective.

When I stopped playing the game things escalated to the point uNPDstbxw went through the entire drama triangle playing all 3 roles every hour. It was exhausting to watch but I mainly stayed out of it, what made it impossible to stay physically connected in the end was her using the children. I am not sure what would have happened if we would not have had children, she would probably have left as I stopped giving her supply, but the children made it possible for her to still get her supply and therefor keep the drama going. But watching a uNPD that has lost control is not a very nice thing to watch.

[lkdrymom]

I agree that the dogs are leverage.  You care about the dogs so that is a threat to her control.  And when she gets the move, then what?  How long will she be happy for?  More importantly...what are you getting out of this relationship?

[FiveForFighting]

I agree that the dogs are leverage.  You care about the dogs so that is a threat to her control.  And when she gets the move, then what?  How long will she be happy for?  More importantly...what are you getting out of this relationship?

Ikdrymom... Thank you so much and very good question(s) and I would guess, once moved it would be some other complaint or need or want. Not sure how long the artificial happiness would last. Your last question made me weep. I assume rhetorical but I dont know how to answer that. I cant find anything at all that I am getting out of my relationship except for maybe experience. It is certainly a one sided affair and if you'd ask her, she'd quickly let you know how badly she is treated and how much she is invalidated, how humiliated she is that she has to ask for attention, ignored and alone. I have found what I need, think or want is not important. Its a non factor and is not discussed because that would mean attention would have to go somewhere besides her. No time for that.

[square]

It's really hard to be joined to someone who is a net burden.

[FiveForFighting]

It's really hard to be joined to someone who is a net burden.

You're right Square. It really is and that's compounded by the constant vigilance of looking at what can be done better, more etc. to correct things. Its the carrying of the weight of her disappointment that affects me the most I think; her disapproval. I certainly acknowledge my stuff and my efforts to people please. I have been working on that for years and oddly enough, I can now stand up for myself anywhere, anytime except for in my own home. 

[square]

Your home should be a place where you can ease your burdens, feel safe, let down your guard. Your home should be your shelter.

[FiveForFighting]

Your home should be a place where you can ease your burdens, feel safe, let down your guard. Your home should be your shelter.

Absolutely agree... only I fantasize about it being that place and instead I feel the most safe, secure, able to be myself and conduct chores and things I want to do... free of observance, evaluation and scrutiny... when I am there alone.

[square]

I've had the exact same fantasies. I don't need help, just to be unencumbered. Alone.