New here, struggling and no one to turn to

[Violet243]

Hi, I'm a 37-year-old woman, and I'm dealing with both family and relationship issues. To make a very long story short I strongly believe that my mother has a personality disorder, most likely BPD, maybe NPD. I have had difficulties with her my whole life and experienced extreme trauma from her severe emotional and sometimes physical abuse as a child into adulthood. I have kept in contact with her primarily due to having a tiny family (only my dad, brother, and grandma) and I've basically done it so I can still keep in contact with them.

I met my partner 13 years ago when I was in my 20s and he basically "rescued me" when my Mom kicked me out of the house. I had been living with my parents after graduating college and working to save up for my own place. I met my now partner during this time. Basically, my mom threw all my things outside one day and told me to leave because she found out that he isn't originally from the USA and she didn't approve. She refused to meet him.

So I left and my partner let me live with him. We were extremely close and I felt he really cared about me. I told him about my past abuse and trauma.

A couple of years later we ended up moving overseas for his career. (Not my partner's home country either). He insisted on supporting us both financially since it was difficult for me to work there. I trusted him completely and he gave me no reason not to. He treated me so well and we were very much in love.  Since I lived far away from my family, I had very little contact with them for several years. I finally felt free for the first time in my life. About 5 years ago, my parents asked if they could meet us on vacation because they decided that they did want to meet my partner.

My partner said this was okay and my parents joined us. After meeting my partner, they apologized and decided that they actually loved him and thought he was great. I still have had several issues with my mother over the years, she is extremely difficult to deal with. I have visited twice and it's been a disaster each time.

Over the past few years, my partner has started showing signs of a personality disorder, most likely BPD and/or NPD. I hate to say that he now reminds me of my mother in a lot of ways.  I am devasted. I have been in therapy twice by myself and we tried couples therapy, but that ended when he ran out of the 2nd session.

Currently, my situation has gotten much worse. My partner tells me we were never in a relationship and he never had feelings for me (we were together almost 13 years), he says he "doesn't like me",  he's now threatening to leave his job and leave the country without me. He's threatening to sell our house overseas and my only other option would be to go back to the states and live with my family.

He told me that he wants to have "a healthy, friendly relationship with me" and to do that we have to separate and I need to go "back home". Even though I told him that if he does this I won't be coming back to him. None of this makes sense and he won't discuss anything further or tell me what his plans are. He tells me he is going to visit his family in his home country over Christmas for a month and leave me alone over the holidays. He told me last week that I have three months to leave our home. He has isolated me over the past year and has slowly turned all our mutual friends against me. Before this, we were not having any major arguments and I thought we were happy. My partner seemed like he loved me very much and he was constantly saying that he would never leave me. He's saying now this was all fake and he was just acting.

I have made my parents aware of the situation because I feel I have no one else to turn to and I don't want to end up homeless. My mother has been saying, "I told you so. When I met him I KNEW  that he didn't love you" etc. She is raging at me about all the "bad decisions" I've made and all of her problems and saying I have to figure this out myself since I did it and she's too busy to deal with it. They say I can live with them, but already it's turning into a toxic situation and I can't see myself going back to that either. 

My partner wants me to go live with my family. He is very aware of the trauma I have been through with them. I'm having severe anxiety and fear just thinking about moving back into that extremely toxic and abusive household. On top of that, my disordered mother has now been getting into alcohol and having stints of getting extremely drunk and arguing with my dad, leaving in her car, or passing out drunk.

I'm sorry, there is really too much information to write in this post. I just don't know what to do anymore or where to turn. I feel so betrayed by the people I felt I could trust. I'm having severe anxiety over this and don't know where I can turn. I can't believe that my partner would ever even suggest that I live with my parents again. It's almost like he's doing it to me on purpose. I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

[moglow]

Hey Violet - I see you and feel the pain in your words. If it were me - and clearly I can say this only because I'm not in it - I'd start with cutting off the information trail. He has NO right to know where you're going or what your plans may be. And for that matter, neither does your family of origin. They'd get need to know information from here forward, and there's very little that I can see.

Start with your finances - are you employed, able to support yourself? Take steps in that direction, where you can care for yourself without anyone's input or interference. I'd set up a generic address/post office box somewhere to use for a while. I don't see any way to have a healthy friendly relationship with someone who'd treat you this way, he can have that fantasy but you don't have to.

You also DON'T have to "go back home" - that's not home for you and only piles on the abuse. His wants have nothing to do with you anymore. Even if he has to provide financial support for a while, he doesn't get to dictate where you live and neither does anyone else. Decide where else you'd like to be and make arrangements to go there, even if only in baby steps for now. "Home" could be your home country if that's where you choose to go.

Remember always, you're an adult and you can make your own decisions. Absolutely reach out and accept help where needed, but make use of any and every resource available to remove yourself from people who cause you deliberate harm.

You can do this and I'd just about bet you'll be a better person and feel better for it. It's just gonna be some hell in the hallway for a bit while you regroup.

Oh - and by the way, if he comes back with big claims about a sudden change of heart, offers up excuses and fauxpologies, tries to get you to stay, DON'T. Wait it out and watch his behavior. Maybe play along to get along while you continue on with your plans. What sounds good on the surface may not be at all underneath. You have to look out for yourself and I'd suspect his motives after all this. What's that they say - when people show you who they are, believe them.

[Violet243]

Hi moglow, reading your response and your suggestions made me feel better. Thank you. I really have no one to talk to about this and I'm trying to create the best plan that I can. Unfortunately, I am not able to completely support myself right now. What happened is when I moved with my partner I sacrificed my career. It doesn't really exist in the city I moved to, plus the language barrier, and the fact that I wasn't allowed to work legally for the majority of the years that I've been here. When I was legally able to, I started doing some freelance work. My partner has always discouraged me from doing this saying that I'm wasting my time, or we have enough money, or I'd be better off focusing on something else instead. He became annoyed when I worked on these projects. I wanted to start my own business and he completely talked me out of it. I always thought that he was being kind and that I could trust him since he had supported me for over a decade without any problems, but now I see how foolish I was. 

About 6 months ago he randomly told me without any warning that he'd no longer support me financially. I had to start putting my groceries and other essentials on credit. He also stopped giving me any money for transportation. I went into debt quickly and started trying to do as much online freelance work as possible. I'm currently trying to pay back all my debt, which is a lot for not having a steady career. I've always been very responsible with paying bills on time so this really bothers me. I'm just now getting it to a manageable point and I was going to start saving so I could move if I had to. Then just a week ago, my partner told me the part about how he was kicking me out in three months. Now, I am desperately taking any work I can get and of course looking at my career options if I do move. It makes it difficult that now I don't have much recent work experience or a decent resume.

In the country we live in we are basically considered to be in a common-law marriage, meaning if we separate it's the law that we have to split the sale of the house and its contents 50/50. He is doing anything he possibly can to not let me take half. He has even threatened me with our pets and becomes extremely aggressive towards me when I try to talk about it. He tells me that I'm stealing from him. Honestly, I feel guilty about taking half, but I would really need it to start my life somewhere else. He refuses to help me with a plane ticket or get my things together to leave. I don't even have enough to do that much less rent an apartment at this point in time. I have begun to look up attorneys without his knowledge. I'm really scared of him retaliating against me. If I do get some money from our house, it would only be after it's sold. So, I'm trying to figure out what to do in the meantime if I have to leave.

For this reason, I have been extremely nice to him and told him I will leave if he wants me to. I have not mentioned splitting the apartment again or an attorney. I have been trying to see how this plays out while trying to pay back my debt, save some money, and try to look for an attorney who can help me if I end up needing it. The situation he's put me in really feels impossible at times. I used to always be able to talk to him and he was my best friend.

For whatever reason, he acts like a stranger now and will not talk to me about anything important. He says that I'm his enemy He's been stonewalling me and if I try to be honest and say I need some help if he wants me to leave he starts screaming and saying he doesn't care what happens to me. He tells me it's my fault and I had years to leave. This doesn't make sense because all those years he wanted me here with him. He even tells me it's funny that I'm in debt and he thinks I deserve it. He has turned into a complete stranger and just sits in his office staring at his computer all day when he's not at work. There is definitely something wrong with him, but he refuses to get help and there's nothing else I can do. I tried talking to his best friend (who doesn't live in the same country) and he also said that something is going on and he's concerned.

After explaining the whole situation (this is just a tiny part of it) to two psychiatrists they both suggested that he has traits of BPD or possibly bipolar disorder. They urged me to get him to see a doctor, which I was not able to convince him to do. I also personally think that he could also have NPD, but he doesn't have a diagnosis.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Violet! Your situation sounds dire. There might very well be something wrong with your partner, but that doesn't change the fact that you are in an extremely vulnerable position. From what you describe, you need to put on your parachute because your plane is about to crash.
You have access to the internet, so find a women's shelter in your area. Contact them, explain your situation and find out if they can help you. Contact your embassy.  Some countries assist their citizens with a ticket back home, if that is what you really want to do.
Your partner might have been kind and loving in the past, but now he is not. He wants to get rid of you. He wants you out of his life. The quicker you accept this reality and do everything you can to find a safe space for yourself, the faster you can begin the grieving and healing process. You are a grown up, there is no need for you to go back to your family. You can find a way to start a new, good life for yourself!
I think you are doing the clever thing by being non-confrontational with your partner. Have you checked out the Toolbox? You might find some useful strategies there.

[Gwendolyn]

Welcome and so glad you found this forum.

Hopefully writing about your situation is also helping you find clarity.

I have been reading on a domestic abuse forum recently and they have a good checklist for leaving.

They also have a chat feature which I haven't used but I did read a lot about financial abuse and emotional abuse and we are not alone. 

Sometimes there isn't much time to figure out 'Why' and it seems like you're in that type of situation now.  You're trying to figure out 'What next' and hopefully you can  connect to a women's support group in your home country for some advice and guidance.

www.*womensaid.org.*uk/information-support/

(I had to add * to the link to post it here so if you take the * s out it will work)

I don't have much else to share or advise but please don't let debt be the reason you stay on in a dangerous situation.  Visiting your embassy and getting back to your HOME country should be top of your TO DO list.

You will be in my thoughts.  Please be very careful with your passwords and browser history and phone records. He doesn't sound stable right now.

I know this is a difficult period for you but you have taken a step towards acknowledging the real truth about your situation and you know action will be required.  Start preparing secretly and maintain your health as much as possible ie: good food, less alcohol, more rest, more exercise...you need to be strong in the days ahead