Girding my loins

Liketheducks · November 16, 2022, 04:48:53 PM

Holiday overnight Friday to visit a sibling....with mom.....probably the most time I will have spent with her in nearly 5 years. Sibling and all others in attendance have all been flying monkeys at one point or another. Am seriously contemplating cancelling. And, collecting all the boundary phrases I can remember. Wish me luck

hhaw · November 16, 2022, 06:48:18 PM

Follow.
Your.
Gut.
Honor.
Your.
Instincts.

Cat of the Canals · November 17, 2022, 10:44:26 AM

You got this. Remember you can always take a time out (or time outs) if things get too overwhelming. Take a walk or a drive by yourself or simply lock yourself in the bathroom.

moglow · November 17, 2022, 11:03:04 AM

You can do this. If at any point it gets to much, go with that and remove yourself for a sec to gather your thoughts. Smile and nod and listen to the music in your head. Or call me and I'll meet you for pie and decompress.

NarcKiddo · November 17, 2022, 02:06:15 PM

Hope it all goes well. Just grey rock the hell out of all of them is my advice. Hugs.

Srcyu · November 17, 2022, 02:48:38 PM

Do you have to go, really, do you HAVE to? I wouldn't.

lkdrymom · November 17, 2022, 05:32:09 PM

Do you have an easy exit plan if necessary? I assume you are driving? Make sure you park your car where it cannot be parked in.

Liketheducks · November 17, 2022, 06:07:21 PM

1. I don't have to.....but I'm gonna. It was a weather dependent kind of trip. I postponed thinking about it, because there was massive storm that hit my area of the country....and I was in denial/crossing my fingers that it would happen. And, I'm trying this thing where I'm exploring setting my boundaries. Doing the uncomfortable things and growing from them. I've been a people pleaser ALL.OF.MY.LIFE. Much of this conflict is stemming out of me refusing to resume that role. I'm no longer that girl, but it is uncomfortable to do. Particularly when my mom installed the buttons she likes to push.

2. I want to see my brother - even if he was a flying monkey. I can't help that he's swept in occasionally......likely due to the fact that if I stepped in, he wouldn't have to....and feels uncomfortable about that. He's also just started his own journey into therapy over all the trauma. And....maybe is starting to get it a little. When I went NC over everything, bro found the resources that he needed to thrive on his own. I'm proud of his progress, despite the past conflict.

3. I've been practicing boundary phrases. "I'm happy to discuss this at another time, but this weekend is about spending time with bro's fam". "I understand you're upset by my actions, I had my reasons for them and those are not up for debate. Let's enjoy our time here while we can". "If this continues, I'll need to leave". "I need a time out, I'll be back when things have calmed down", etc. "I'll be at the hotel down the street"

4. What I'm MOST anxious about is triangulation. Bro has been enlisted in the past. DS just wants happy family again. I'm good for happy family with boundaries. But, BOY oh boy....Narc/PD parents must remove those boundary genes in-utero for their children - that is a me problem. I'm 54 yrs old and I'm just learning to say these things. I'm pretty sure I can shut down a spiral with my mom one on one. She's usually on good behavior in settings with more than one person. If others are present, she wants to be the glowing center of attention. I just think it will be really hard if worst case the other two get manipulated into flying monkey mode. Bro I can handle. DS will be HARD for me. Typical child of adult trauma....I'm preparing for all the worst case scenarios, because that is what we do.

5. Also, I'm getting to a place where I recognize....my mom always has a villain. I've been in recovery for trauma event a few years ago. It has been hard to get through and I can empathize a little that (even if it is blatantly untrue) mom thinks I'm HER villain. Just as I am entitled to my feelings, she has hers. I am also recognizing that her sense of entitlement of me or my time or resources.....that's on her. This is a me problem to me. The hard part for me is not feeling like the underside of whale-scum if I stick to my truth and needs.

Srcyu · November 17, 2022, 06:58:21 PM

Liketheducks,
I hope you spend some good, worthwhile time with your brother. We all know what families can be like. You sound very much like being up for dealing with yours.

Liketheducks · November 20, 2022, 03:15:38 PM

I was pleasantly shocked that everyone was on their best behavior. Though, they had me and mom sharing a room to sleep. I just visited with bro until the wee hours and didn't have the one on one time that I usually dread. Mom is great around others usually (when she's the center of attention) , but will issue some kind of scathing remark to me when everyone is out of ear shot. It was a quick trip. Funny, how the good times make you doubt your own interpretation of events. Also, I'm seriously waiting for the other shoe to drop here.

But, it gave me some hope that we could have a nice visit without too much drama.

SonofThunder · November 20, 2022, 03:33:46 PM

Quote from: NarcKiddo on November 17, 2022, 02:06:15 PM
Hope it all goes well. Just grey rock the hell out of all of them is my advice. Hugs.

Imo, while grey-rocking with one mouth, use two ears and two eyes in heavy observation, listening to both what is said and done, but also what is NOT said and done. Intense data collection has helped me better navigate my future and gives any necessary visit a beneficial side vs just getting through it.

Hope you come out the other side well-updated and more knowledgeable. Your silence will make others awkward enough to speak more, which is all data collection.

SoT