Looking for insights from survivors of controlling-manipulative relationships

[eleven_11]

Hi everyone, I am a woman in her mid 30s and I joined this forum because I am feeling worn out and suffocated lately.

I am now in a relationship with a stable person, maybe a bit more clingy-acting and more verbal in her displays than I am, but I am starting to think that I haven't overcome the trauma from my previous relationship with a person with likely undiagnosed BPD, and I am really confused about my feelings.
I can't understand if the current relationship is also not good for me, even if it's not toxic, or if my sense of suffocation comes from being triggered by my past trauma and I am projecting things on this new relationship making a huge, exhausting deal of aspects that could be addressed in a much more serene way.

I wrote extensively about my past experience and my current situation in a thread I opened in the Coping with Personality Disorders  > Chosen Relationships subforum. I hope it's the right place.

I 'd love to read some direct insights from other people that found themeselves in a similar situation - Or to learn that this is not really a thing and there is actually a problem in my current relationship.

This forum seems really useful, nice, and active.

Thank you in advance.

Have a nice day everyone!

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

because of the extreme level of trauma/abuse i endured as a child this is something that does come up in my relationship with my husband.  the thing that worked best for me was getting into face to face therapy with a professional who was experienced in dealing with the main issues that were the problems for me- abandonment by my birth mother and childhood sexual abuse by a family member that i repressed until i was a teenager.  my T gave me the tools and safe talking space i needed to work through those things.

in our situation it helps that his mother and one of his younger sisters may also be uPD- he has read here at the site as well.

i'll try to pop in on your other thread too.  if you can, check out the toolbox- that's also been the bridge to a lot of a-ha moments for a lot of members.

see you on the boards

[bloomie]

eleven_11 - adding a warm welcome to you! How wise to take a good look at if past trauma may be activated in this new relationship. I am glad you joined us.

Something stood out to me in your post. You mentioned your current relationship is with a stable person and your past traumatic experiences have been with someone you suspect may have undiagnosed BPD. Having grown used to the unstable in my formative years, the push/pull, atmosphere of risk, rejecting/restablishing closeness patterns,  and all the uncertainty involved in toxic relationships, I found myself really struggling with feelings similar to what you describe in adult stable relationship.

It makes perfect sense that some parts of our healing can't happen outside of relationship because the tenderness and triggering is not really tested in the same way unless we are moving forward and risking vulnerability in a new relationship. Keep pressing forward for answers and insights, healing and clarity.

I hope you find your time here a help and support to you! The tools, conversations, and resources have been an important part of my own healing journey!

[eleven_11]

Hi bloomie and xredshoesx, thank you for your replies!

My toxic relationship happened when I was 34 years old and I had 3 healthier relationships before, so I guess its impact should be a little lighter than your case where it happened in adolescence and formative years. I'm sorry you experienced that!
But I see the common ground too and apparently I am discovering on my own skin that even experiencing a controlling relationship in adulthood with different experiences in your baggage can still dismantle all of your perceptions and security.
It also makes totally sense what you say about needing to go through part of the healing inside a relationship. This is partly why I would love to go through this with my partner rather than, or along with, some external help, but I also don't want to overwhelm her with the ghostly presence of my ex.
I started taking a look at the tools and resources and will read more for sure!
Thanks again!