Dealing with the silent treatment

[Markclo1]

How do you deal with the silent treatment on an ongoing basis from a parent? I have experienced the silent treatment from my father since around 2016. I have been no contact with him for some time now and have no plans to initiate any relationship with him again but there are times when it can  be so hard to deal with. My father is a very dysfunctional man, this all started because i had confronted him about an affair he was having with a woman we all knew, a close family friend. it was a devastating situation for my family. My dad is a narcissistic guy, he grew up with an abusive father of his own. In 2016 he cut all communication with me without warning, he wont acknowldge me or my children. I have moved on and have a very healthy family of my own with 3 children. Sometimes i wonder if this stuation will ever change, but i dont think it will. if yiou have any wisdom and insight on how to deal with this moving forward, i would appreciate it. Its always helpful for to try and underatand what drives my fathers behaviour, somehow it helps me relaize this is not my fault, so if you have any wisdom in that area it would also be appreciated. On the occasions i did try to address this with him in the past, he told me this was all my fault and acted like he hadnt done anything wrong and basically absolved himself of all responsibility

[lkdrymom]

My guess is this is how your father grew up so he does not see anything wrong with what he is doing.  My ex grew up the same way.  His father ran around on his mom and when I said I would not tolerate that he said his mom loved his father so if I wouldn't tolerate that I must not love him.  I really should have seen that red flag.   My daughter dated a man who had a very controlling father.  While he recognized there was something wrong with the way his father was, it didn't stop him from behaving in a similar fashion with my daughter.  My point is that these people are damaged and cannot or will not try to change.  The silent treatment is a gift to you to break free and live your best life.  Take it. 

[Markclo1]

Thanks, most of the time these days i do feel relived that ive been able to move on with my life but i do miss having a supportive family of my own. Many other members of my family have been very disappointed by my fathers behaviour but they wont do anything about it. My sister knows deep down about his behaviour, but has basically enabled it to continue by refusiing to do or say anything. This has made things much worse. The sielnt trestment is truly a despicable way to treat somebody

[lkdrymom]

It seems like he doesn't add anything to your life. What about siblings?  Can you have a supportive relationship with them without your father being involved?

[Markclo1]

Thats a tough question. My sister wants to have a good relationship with me but she is unwilling to discuss my father and i have just felt she has enabled his behaviour to contniue, she hasnt done anything to support me which is a problem as far as i am concerned. When i try to address the dysfunction in the family she becomes very defensive and shuts me down. She has accused me of exaggerating the situation over the years, so it doesnt feel like a very healthy environment for me. I had made a decision ealrier this year that i needed to move on from all of these relationshios, and focus on my own family. its been beneficial for me but i still have hard weeks here and there. My mom who is now divorced from my father is the only own who has been supportive and i contonue to have a good relationship with her. i really just miss the support that i should get fronm my family, and im still trying to figure out how to replace that?

[moglow]

My sister wants to have a good relationship with me but she is unwilling to discuss my father and i have just felt she has enabled his behaviour to contniue, she hasnt done anything to support me which is a problem as far as i am concerned. When i try to address the dysfunction in the family she becomes very defensive and shuts me down.

It may be that your sister sees the dysfunction clearly and chooses to work around it in her own way. When others choose to be who they are, try to choose to not be a part of that. It's not always easy and certainly a learned process, but it may be doable. Is this a situation where you can find room to agree to disagree with your sister, and just leave dad out of your relationship altogether? If dad is a hard bone of contention for you and she's aware, maybe not discuss him. Like, at all. Discussing dad serves no real purpose other than to talk something out and let it go - if you can do that, by all means do it! It's not like either of you can change him, that's entirely his to do - whatever is driving him is completely outside your control. Yes, you're siblings because of him but the two of you can still choose to have a relationship that doesn't center around dad and his stuff.

I've had to do that with one of my brothers - just agree to disagree and enjoy each other's company otherwise. If every conversation or meeting was "bashing" or going on about mother [as it was for a long time], I'd want no part of it. When she chose to go silent and step all the way back, I really had no choice but to let her finally and share that with my brother as her decision. And honestly, for me that was a relief. I was exhausted trying to find anything near level ground with her only to have her set fire to everything around me anyway. Our every conversation had been painful and that rolled over onto my brothers and our relationships as well. Now? She's waaaaay out on the fringes and we discuss concerns for her when needed, leave her be otherwise. Mother's scorched earth policy at the slightest difference of opinion or disagreement baffles me still, but I have no control over that. I've had to work hard to find acceptance with things I can change, recognizing those that aren't mine, letting go of what I can.

One book I particularly like is "The Four Agreements" - and "dont take things personally" is the agreement I've had the most problem grasping! I'm finding comfortable distance from other people's stuff and accepting it as such, without making it anything to do with me and mine. I'm better at seeing and recognizing, and reminding myself that's not mine unless I allow it to be. Peace in small packages, if you will. I want that for you too!

[Markclo1]

Yes you may be right about my sister. Honestly, i have found navigating this whole situation to be incredibly difficult. i think learning to respond to my sister the way you suggest is possible but its a huge learning curve for me. I guess i have always struggled with the reality that my sister sees my fathers behaviour and doesnt want to do anyrhing about it. She just continues a relationship with him and his new wife like there is no big deal. Through all of this, i feel like i have lost trust and some degree of respect for my sister. But i do underatand what you are saying, myself and my sister are very different people and have dealt with this crisis in different ways, maybe its possbile to develop a relationship without my father being invoilved at all. It seems complicated, if i have some personal growth to do here, i dont you mind you telling me that,...and i will ook into those books you mentioned

[moglow]

It IS a huge learning curve for most of us, never discount that! The hard thing for me was accepting that I can't change mommie dearest, and neither can anyone else. That's not anyone's job but hers. We're all adults and get to be who we are - I'm not responsible for being that imaginary person she's concocted in her head and vice versa. Maybe others can excuse or justify it for themselves and that's their stuff, not mine.

It really comes down to finding boundaries within the relationships - understanding that you're each separate individuals within the family. And everybody within a family does and can have entirely separate relationships from the others. It doesn't have to be all for one and one for all, where everyone has to be for or against this or that person/place/thing. That kind of black and white thinking is hard, and was likely ingrained from a very young age. Dad can have that - you don't have to.

Sometimes we need to look at relationships as what they are, improve what we can and accept when others make different choices [as your dad has]. My guess is your sister is doing just that and truly wants a relationship with you. What he chose is painful but that doesn't mean it's about you, the person. His demons are not yours to fight - don't let them destroy your relationships with the rest of the family.

[Markclo1]

Thanks, i know thats good advice....its hard to get my head around how i can have a good releationshiip weith my sister with everything else going but ill make an attempt to work on this.  Its definitely a steep learning curve

[moglow]

Baby steps matter! You don't have to leap the canyon [I tried it, it was painful!!], but remember that even little efforts count. Learn that No can just mean No and doesn't have to mean anger or shutting someone out entirely [I did that too]. Balance is important.

[Jolie40]

In 2016 he cut all communication with me without warning, he wont acknowldge me or my children.

I went NC
however, I told child & husband that they are free to contact PD parent

child doesn't want to call as PD parent chose to ignore our child over & over
PD parent chose to miss several b'days yet she never missed any of the other grandkid b'days
in NH now & apparently calls other siblings up to 50X/day, sometimes again, 5 min later just to chat

has she called our child? no
it's like she only acknowledges the other grandkids & completely ignores our child
I attribute it to the fact that I'm SG so she puts that "SG spirit" onto my kid

before I went NC & would call PD parent, she never, ever asked about our child
however, every time we called in-laws, they always asked about child
MIL even set up a weekly facetime chat with our child during pandemic
at least one grandparent acts like a grandparent

[monamurre]

Thank you for posting this! I just came here to share a similar situation that I am trying to wrap my head around. I'm not sure I have any answers but I'm going to ramble for a bit, maybe it will help? My mom was diagnosed with an incurable cancer this Summer. She is doing some treatment but the doctors have been clear it will only "extend her life for 'some time'". No one can quantify what "some time" means so we are in a weird limbo of trying to figure out how to act towards each other during what is clearly the last chapter of our relationship. I spent a month this Summer at her property getting the new house we were having built finished and getting her moved in. She was begrudging about the help but I wasn't there to make her happy. I was there to get her set up in a more physically safe situation so I could avoid dealing with a completely foreseeable "emergency" such as her falling through the rotten floor of her old porch.

After getting home and decompressing I called and told her I planned to fly up in early November for a visit. My husband encouraged me not to bother, but I guess I wanted myself and my daughter to have one more chance to see my mom and say good bye without all the logistics of moving her overshadowing the visit. Well, the November visit went terrible. I set a boundary about her getting rid of her out of control aggressive dog before we got there. This is something she alternatingly says she needs to do but then takes no action on. Clearly one of her gambits to get attention an reinforce her victim narrative. I usually don't engage in begging her to deal with the problems she presents. But in this case I told her we would not stay at her house with the dog there because I wasn't comfortable witnessing her scream at and hit the dog (this was a daily occurrence during the Summer visit but thankfully we could put the dog in an outside pen during the day - not possible in November).  I also anonymously reported her to the DMV because she has literally gone blind with macular degeneration but continues to drive! They subsequently pulled her license and told her someone reported her.

During our visit the dog was gone but clearly not gotten rid of. There was a huge bag of dog food conspicuously placed directly in front of the front door, bowls with fresh water and kibble on the floor. Whatever, my boundary was about our visit, not what she ultimately does with her dog. So I didn't say anything. She told me "someone" had reported her to the DMV and I just gray rocked and didn't confront her and say, "yea, it was me". However, I think she must be holding both of those things against me because she went out of her way to avoid me and her only grandchild on this visit. Which is a hard thing to do for 4 days in a 750 square foot house! My daughter , who is 9 was confused and hurt. I kept saying, "grandma was just tired", but it was clearly more than that. She would get up for meals and say next to nothing to us then go back to her room. I heard her talking with one of her flying monkey neighbors presumably about the visit saying something like, "well, okay.....but you know there are mitigating circumstances...." I just made the best of it and tried to not react.

Then 4 days after we left I celebrated my 43rd birthday. She didn't acknowledge this in any way while we were there. And now 10 days out from the bday there has still been no call, no card, nothing from her. I know she didn't forget. I am her only child and she has a desk sized calendar on her kitchen table that she peers at every day to keep track of appointments. So, I guess I have my answer now, she clearly is mad at me and giving me the silent treatment because of it. I'm left trying to figure out how much effort I put in to be in contact with her. I already loath our conversations and don't want to see her again, so in some ways its a gift. But, having her die without any other interaction with me or my kid just seems really hard to come to peace with. Sorry for the long rant....its just such a stupid situation, I can't believe she is going to squander the time she has left with her only kid and only grandchild over a grudge?!?!? Moglow, you hit the nail on the head when you described the "scorched earth" policy......

[moglow]

Markclo, back to your original question... Your dad sounds a lot like mommie dearest/my mother, where you dare not stand up to or call him on any [mis]behavior. "the father/parent is always right" or some such only gets us so far. And honestly? Kudos to you for speaking up, even if he didn't happen to like it!!

In my case, mother always ALWAYS has an excuse and/or someone else to blame. Counter that with reality and logic, and she will.lose.it. She shut down with me a while back after I pushed to get her to voice her apparent limitless resentments. I wanted her to get it out and move on already, nothing to be done as far as anyone is concerned but she wouldn't let it go. Well that was a fail - all it did was stir it all back up and bring it back to life with her. When she inevitably went silent, I think she believed I would contact her later and that didn't happen. Or she'd wait a little while then play rug sweeping and pretend nothing had been said, and THAT didn't happen.

We both went quiet - me as basically no contact because I ran out of words and emotion. For her ... I think it's a hard discard. I see her for who she is and she doesn't like that. I stopped pretending and she *really* doesn't like that. So yes, in essence somewhat like yours where we've reached an impasse and neither has anything productive to offer.

It's not fun. At times it's full on painful, others I'm all "meh". Overall though, it's way better than the chaos and drama and anger. We really do have to pick our poisons in these relationships. Silence can be golden but it does bite when holiday season rolls around and everyone keeps asking you about it.

[Markclo1]

Yes thats exactly right, my father bullied everybody into silence forr many years. I would often here the response 'he is family what can we really do about it'? I have a history of being the only person in the family to confront him and he has tried to make me suffer like hell in response. My grandparents did used to stand up to him but one they died it was really left to me. He began the silent treatment after a conversation we had had in 2016, a conversation that i thought had gone OK, but he cut all contact without warning and i've barely heard from him since. I have heard from other family mebers over the years that he likes to tell people that this was my choice and that i abandoned the family, thats its not worth having any relationship with me or my family. I guess he tried to isoalte me in the family, and all this happened because i was the one to call him out on his behaviour. He doesnt acknowledge his grandchildren, and he hasnt met the my youngest 2 kids. Its been pretty awful frankly, but its been pointed out to me in counseeling that i am a strong character and have it in me to move on with my life. At this point, i do have the perspective to say that this this says a lot more about his who he is than who I am.

[donutmoonpanda]

It's interesting because not speaking to someone for 5+ years would normally be considered No Contact. Not simply the silent treatment. You've been cut off.

None of this is your fault. It's not a normal way for a parent to behave, no matter the context. He knows this because he pretends that you're the one who chose not to speak to him anymore. If he thought it was righteous, there'd be nothing to conceal. He lies about the situation so that people might not discover what a bad parent he is. This says nothing about you, and it says a lot about him.

Honestly, having had a bullying grandfather when I was a kid, I would have been happy if I never saw him. So many family gatherings would have been peaceful without him there. I never knew why my dad let him come around, when it hurt him so much to be around grandpa. It hurt everyone. There is something to be said about absence. It's better for some people to be absent from our lives, rather than allow them to leave a painful mark.

[Markclo1]

yeah thats an interesting point i dont know if it can be considered the silent treatment if it continues for years. My impression is that he does this to make things as painful as possible for me because he thinks ill end up runnig to him begging to be back in his life.  He seems to have gone to fairly extreme lengths to avoid dealing with reality. Ive been shocked he has taken it this far...as far as i can see this has all happened becuase i confronted him about his affair. Incidentally, he ended up leaving and divorcing my mum to live with this lady who was a long term family friend that we all know, my mum knew her too