Sad about the family I had/have

Escaped_Goat · November 22, 2022, 01:37:22 PM

God it really hurts sometimes. Have been at a big family event on my husband's side today. He's got a massive family, like there were 50 people and they're all nice and funny. And I've only got one sibling who barely talks to me since I went NC with abusive dad. It's just so sad that I never had that as a child or adult. A room full of people who were funny and kind and I was related to. Really feeling it tonight. My inner child aches.

Xx

moglow · November 22, 2022, 01:53:01 PM

I feel ya, EG, mine is sitting right there with you. At work today all I'm hearing is "what are y'all doing for Thanksgiving??" I work with one brother and kids, so holidays we tend to separate anyway, but not having the big gatherings is tough for me too. My youngest brother and fam [live a good bit away from me] are together a LOT, as in weekly drop ins, movie nights, adventures to local events. I envy it and have told him. They're really what a family should be. It makes me resent mother, that she saw no need to reinforce that with us, in fact openly discouraged any kind of family or togetherness.
Hang in there. I keep telling myself, this too shall pass.

Escaped_Goat · November 22, 2022, 02:36:07 PM

Thank you Moglow, I just needed someone to hear it ya know? I'm going to wrap my inner child in a big warm blanket and drink tea and crochet with my cats.

moglow · November 22, 2022, 03:12:25 PM

Totally get you!! Thinking of the snarl my younger cat could make with yarn, maybe not that. But a blankie and a book and a movie/music in the background, maybe a soak in the tub later? Oh yeah. And maybe stroll into the kitchen to make a little extra treat because I can ...

Self care is always good!

11JB68 · November 22, 2022, 10:45:39 PM

Although it was my choice to go NC with ubpdm, I lost the rest of my foo too as they were all tied to her. Also updh has alienated friends and family over the years, so our group has shrunk.
I often feel the lack of having people... but moreso at holidays

Big Bear · November 23, 2022, 12:12:12 AM

Well,

I can add that with Thanksgiving right around the corner, I can relate. Everywhere small talk seems to start with something along the lines of "So got any big plans for Thanksgiving?". Along with the subtle assumption of a big group family reunion get-together as a good thing. It's all so loaded with obligation towards family. Ugh!

Well, I'm looking forward to my low-key Thanksgiving with only family of choice (FOC). There will be no family of origin (FOO) at my celebration. No crowded flights, no long road trips, no stress, no in-laws, no flying monkeys, no PDs! Whoo-hoo!

I'm looking forward to my peaceful, enjoyable holiday.

This will be my 2nd Thanksgiving in a row with just FOC. We live a good distance from relatives so that helps. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the day. Yeah!

Big Bear

Escaped_Goat · November 23, 2022, 03:05:52 AM

Thanks guys. Feel better this morning. I think I just needed to feel that sadness yesterday, like a mini grieving session. It will always hurt here and there and that's okay. It hurts because I'm alive and love connection only I'm a lot more discerning, I won't put up with abuse to be part of something. I won't tolerate abuse to feel connected. There's about 8 billion people in the world, I'm going to carry on seeking out my people.

Boat Babe · November 23, 2022, 06:41:31 AM

Hello escaped goat. We get it, we really do. It's a loss and we need to grieve it. We need to extend compassion towards ourselves: as part of a daily practice (I recommend Metta meditation as well as Mindfulness meditation) and as and when painful feelings arise (Mindful Self Compassion is my ho to for this). That and finding good people to be around.

It's really tough, looking back to our fucked up childhoods and seeing the impact on our present day experience. I'm 65 and still working on all this. However, healing is possible and a FOC is the way forward. Sending hugs.

Liketheducks · November 23, 2022, 09:26:26 AM

Escaped Goat,
I'm sorry this time of year has got you down. Grieving the relationships you should have had is hard work. I've had a lot of success making new traditions for me and my FOO. We're no longer constrained to making the "right" foods, doing the "right" things, etc. It has been fun and very freeing. Holiday pajamas, driving to see the holiday lights. Let that inner child play with what they want to do to celebrate. Hugs to you.

BuzzyBee · November 23, 2022, 01:37:10 PM

Escaped_Goat I feel this, I really do. Most people don't relate to what we have experienced growing up. Put yourself first and don't settle for people who disturb your inner peace. Grieving is the best thing you can do to release this pain, Journaling, cooking whatever it is you enjoy take care of yourself. You are healing, self aware and making your holiday the way you want it to be on your terms! Have a Happy Thanksgiving.