Intro

[TheArtist]

Hi. I have been doing ongoing research to figure out why my family is struggling so hard all the time. We are dealing with multiple (recently discovered) diagnoses (ADHD, autism, mood dysregulation, Auditory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression).

I read The Borderline Mother, and I recognize behavior from both chosen and unchosen relationships on my side and my husband's. We have people that meet the descriptions of queens, witches, and waifs (yes, plural). I have seen behavior related to 80% of the 100 Traits categories.

I have been "in it" so long, I am wondering where I can find a template for the opposite of FOG (healthy relating). I have been seeing FOG so frequently lately, and I'm grateful to have that description (listening for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) to think about. I'm about 5 months into this new understanding, and there is so much to sort out. I am building a support network and making a plan. I will be reading both staying in and getting out content. I don't like to leave my youngest with other members of the family because it doesn't seem safe.

Thank you for participating in this group. I need support, and I can't figure this out on my own.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It takes time to educate yourself and find the right information that relates to you.

I have been on a long journey trying to cope with the undiagnosed relative in my life living with BPD/NPD. I still don't know exactly what condition/s I'm dealing with.

You may like to contact your local carers centre and see if they have a mental health carers group you could join or if they have a mental health carers support worker.

I have now defined my relative as my abuser and I am their target of abuse. That has helped me.

Observe, don't absorb.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

You don't have to set yourself on fire in order to help keep someone else warm.

These are just a few things that I have learnt in order to disconnect and not get embroiled in my relative's problems. They project their problems onto me.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens.

I can't control or change anyone else's behaviour I can only change and control my own.

Practising regular Mindfulness meditations has helped me. It helps me to live in the present moment, not the past or the future.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". 

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome and I recommend digging into the Toolbox right away. The three sections is just what you describe as the opposite of being in the FOG.

The other is a book that helped me. It lays out the journey Out of the FOG quite nicely.
Here's my summary post: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.msg568720#msg568720

I hope you find this community as supportive in your journey as it has been in mine.

[TheArtist]

Thank you so much for responding.
I need a lot of support. I have decided to leave.
I have some diagnoses that affect my life a lot, and I am afraid it will be difficult to financially provide for myself.
The "Staying for the Children" topic has been helpful recently.
I will look into the resources you recommended. Thank you for your time.