My position here is solid...right? (Sorry, long)

[gfuertes]

Background:

After Ex went to prison for fraud and money-laundering, I read papers he left behind, did internet research, ordered copies of documents and trial transcripts and learned (to make a really long story short) that he had conned investors out of about half a minion dollars, by:

- Either forging his mother's signature on federal documents (falsely presenting her as an Air Force contracts officer who had approved payment on invoices Ex sold to the investors as accounts receivable,) or using his influence over his mom to get her to sign them (there by committing a felony;)

- Creating a fake identity (complete with a social media presence,) using his brother's name and a stranger's photo, and signing this fake person's name on federal documents, claiming he was a VP at a well-known national bank, overseeing the escrow account through which the investors would be repaid, when the Air force paid on the (fake) invoices;

- Falsely presenting my father (who at the time had suffered multiple strokes, was in a serious state of dementia, and had lost his law license as a result) as Ex's corporate attorney, claiming he had written up the (fraudulent) documents; AND

- Talking his older son (my step-son) into going into business with him, while Step-son was btwn jobs. Step-son believed the entire business was above-board, and agreed to open the main business bank account jointly with Ex, but Step-son was the only signer. However, Ex and Step-son have the same first and last name, so Ex could likely withdraw money, or sign checks, as long as no one double-checked his middle name.

- When the investors deposited their payment for the purchase of the fraudulent invoices, either Ex immediately withdrew the money and disposed of it (the money-laundering,) *making it look like his son had done it*, since only his son (with the same name) was allowed to...or Ex instructed his son to do it, knowing Step-son *didn't know* Ex had committed fraud to get the payment, and that distributing that money was a felony.

There is more. It's part of a long-standing pattern involving even more people who loved and trusted Ex, but those are the big things.

I originally requested joint legal custody of Ex's and my son (14,) because I'd heard sole was almost impossible to get. Ex skipped our final, and our judge rescheduled it to give Ex a 2nd chance to show up. She (the judge) gave me a chance to summarize what I was requesting, which included an order that Ex could not have Son work for him (at least while Son is a minor and the family court has jurisdiction over his life. Ex has been trying to entice Son to work for him, or arguing to be able to take Son to work with him in the summers or on weekends, since the moment he was released from prison 2 years ago.)

The judge explained that there aren't really laws in our state that would support such an order, but if that's what I wanted she was confused as to why I was requesting joint legal, since a parent with *sole* legal may unilaterally decide things like where a child may work.

So, at our next (actual) final, I requested sole legal, and got it. (Ex didn't show for that hearing, either.) But our order is very simply worded and does not specify that I may unilaterally decide where Son works.

Now - 3 months into our divorce - I discovered that Ex took Son to work with him all day Saturday, the last time Ex had Son for the weekend, and paid Son at least $75.

My intention was to think for a while about how to address that with Ex. But I went ahead and told Son that I realized he did not have control over whether his dad insisted he go to work with him, but that he was not supposed to be working with his dad, so if it came up in the future, and Son had a choice, I would like Son to not do it.

Son got very upset, and said a lot of exaggerated things in anger, some of which sounded like he was probably parroting things he'd heard from Ex. He said he'd already Googled why Ex went to prison, and it was stupid for me to think Ex would try to defraud Son, so what was my problem?

I calmly explained that what's available online are brief summaries; that I didn't think it was constructive to tell Son the more complex details; and it would be better if he simply trusted me, as I have earned that trust. I rarely refuse to let him do things he likes; instead I go to great lengths to support his interests, even when I don't share them. I also went out of my way to support his relationship with his dad, such as by agreeing to a generous P/T schedule based around Ex's work schedule, long before any court orders forced me to. I told him I have good reason to think the best way for him to have a healthy relationship with his dad is to keep professional and financial endeavors out of it - and if those are the *only* thing I've firmly opposed, Son ought to trust that I have a solid reason.

Son impulsively dialed his dad on speaker, saying, "Fine! If you won't tell me the details about why Dad went to prison, I'll ask HIM! I know HE'll tell me the truth. Maybe you lie to me! I barely even know you!" (A preposterous statement he voluntarily apologized for later.)

When Ex answered, Son got tongue-tied, Ex then demanded to know what was going on, and Son passed the phone to me.  I said calmly, "I was surprised that Son had so much cash in his wallet. He said it was from working for you last weekend. I do not want him working for you, which you and I have already discussed, but I didn't know if Son knew that. That evolved into Son demanding details about why you went to prison. I think it's better for him not to know all the details, at least not until he's older. So he called you, to ask. I think we could all probably put this discussion to bed, if you and I have an understanding that you will not have him work for you anymore."

Ex responded that he won't agree to that, can do whatever he wants, will sort this out with me in court (which he has threatened several other times, but not followed through,) "...end of discussion!"

Son continued pushing for an explanation after Ex hung up, so finally I said, "The money he laundered, he laundered through your brother's account. It looked like your brother had committed a felony, when only your dad knew that the money was what they call ill-gained. Your brother was investigated by the FBI, too, and there was fear at first that HE might go to prison. Your dad can be really fun, and make people he loves feel great. There are a lot of things to enjoy about your dad. But he consistently makes poor decisions in his business and financial life. He doesn't seem to realize they're poor decisions. And he encourages everyone close to him - every single person - to get involved with him in some way, professionally and/or financially. I hope when you're older you'll choose not to, because that's the safest and healthiest way to have a relationship with him. But while you're still a kid, I'm going to decide that for you, and the court has given me that authority." And Son let it drop, with that, although he was prickly off and on for the next couple days.

I sent Ex an AppClose message summarizing what had happened with the phone call, and reiterating that I do not agree to Son working for Ex.

Ex has just sent me 3 AppClose messages I feel sick to my stomach, to think of reading.

If he *does* take me back to court over this, I would not ask the judge to rule about whether or not Son may work for Ex, but to clarify that as sole legal guardian I have the right to say where Son may or may not work, while he's a minor; and argue that even if Ex claims (in future) that he's only taking Son to work with him, not employing him, that I should have the right to say Son may not go to work with his dad on construction sites (where I'm fairly sure it's not legal for him to be, anyway.)

Please, someone agree that Ex's complete failure to participate in any prior part of our divorce, but him making THIS the hill he wants to die on, would affirm for our judge that his motives in grooming Son to be his next "assistant" are suspicious. If in a mere 4 years Son can decide for himself to work with his dad, why is having Son work with him earlier - when he's more impressionable - such a priority for Ex?

[Foggymama]

Not sure if you are in the USA or not, but if you are in the USA, most states require the parent to prove the change in custody is in the best interest of the child OR that the current arrangement is a danger to the child. I would LOVE to be in the audience listening to your ex tell a judge that being in his employ with some random scam business is in your kids best interest. So here is what you do- don't take the bait. Your ex wants you to mess up so he can take advantage of it. Keep documenting every conversation. Be careful not to disappears your ex to your kid. Get your kid a therapist to deal with his emotions about all this AND so there is a mandated reporter in your kids life who will report any dangerous thing your ex might do to your kid. Then consult with your attorney to file a motion of contempt against your ex. Every time he takes your son to work, you make him pay by dragging him back to court. Eventually the fines for contempt will be a deterrent- after all his goal is to make money not lose it.

[Penny Lane]

Definitely solid and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with Foggymama and Penny Lane.

[hhaw]

You're responding appropriately to facts and a very tough reality, ime.

[verum71]

Sorry you're going through this.   I was reading what you had written -  "Son impulsively dialed his dad on speaker, saying, "Fine! If you won't tell me the details about why Dad went to prison, I'll ask HIM! I know HE'll tell me the truth. Maybe you lie to me! I barely even know you!" (A preposterous statement he voluntarily apologized for later.)". . It's very hard to hear these things from your children, and that is the tragedy of putting your kids in a position where they feel like they have to take sides, which a PD ex will have no qualms about doing.  When my middle son was 15 (19 now) he muttered - almost verbatim - those same words - that "mom would tell him the truth - that I kept secrets from him".  I took the high road through all of this and it felt like I was continually getting my ass kicked.  It looks and sounds like you are in a good position to parent from if things go to court.  Hang in there!