What's your alternative to holiday family gatherings?

[donutmoonpanda]

COVID has really restricted the family gatherings that we used to have. Instead of celebrating all together in a group of 20+ family members, people have chosen to stay in small groups. I get it. There are cancer survivors, seniors, and people with young kids. You have to protect your loved ones. But since the pandemic, my holiday table is pretty much just DH, my MIL, and BPD SIL and her kids. We are very careful about how much time we spend with SIL because she can behave like a spoiled toddler sometimes. Going to a large family party with her was easy, we could bounce around and not exclusively socialize with her & her husband.

Being in such a small group with SIL at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas (and one of her kids has a birthday in between) seems like too much to me. It's really pushing it. The more time we spend with her, the more likely she is to lash out at one of us. Her expectations rise and by January she's asking us to babysit all the time. We're childfree. Kids are not our forte. And she has hundreds of ever-changing rules for her kids. It's impossible not to screw up and feed them a "restricted food." She comes home and checks her kids for marks, like we let them parkour while she was away. She usually respects when we say no to babysitting, but I'm sure she complains to other people about us.

So what are your alternatives to the average family gatherings during the holidays? How do you create distance from PD family or in-laws? How do you strike a balance? Do you have any suggestions for me? Or if you just want to talk about my SIL, I get it, she's a lot.

[Cat of the Canals]

H and I live 1500 miles from our FOOs now, so it's just us. Even before we moved, though, we opted out of PDmil's annual Thanksgiving for the last few years. My husband went from loathing the entire holiday season to getting so excited about it, he starts talking about it in September, and often requests that we decorate early. It's literally night and day now that he's free from spending the holidays with PDmil.

As for working around your SIL's fun "quirks"... 
I don't know if this would be effective with her, but my PDmil is easily distracted by the TV. We put a baking competition show on when she was here last, and she was so glued to the TV it was like she was in a trance. When we announced that dinner was ready, everyone else left the TV immediately, but she still sat there for several minutes alone, like she couldn't bear to miss a single second. It was actually kind of creepy. But it worked! Kept her mouth shut for a whole evening, for once.

[mustard_seed]

What if you could diplomatically reduce the number of times you host or otherwise celebrate with SIL? It sounds like with increased contact, she starts feeling entitled to your babysitting services, which then becomes an area of conflict. (Which sounds really annoying to deal with. Who needs to start the new year with someone criticizing them?)

It sounds like you host much of this--what would it be like to plan an alternative holiday this year to break the cycle? Could you and your spouse plan a Christmas getaway, just the two of you? "We've decided to go to the mountains for the holidays. We'd love to get together for coffee beforehand, but unfortunately won't be able to do the big family dinner this year."

IDK that might be more elaborate than you want to get into, just my thoughts on how to create some distance!

Last year, even before I went NC with my in-laws, my husband and I limited holiday engagements with his family. They wanted to get together for a meal, we said we could do a lunch one day and offered dates and times that worked for us. On Christmas day, we went for a sunrise hike, just the two of us. Then we came home and made breakfast with some adult beverages and opened gifts from each other and our cats "opened" their stockings lol. Then, DH's friend spontaneously invited us to his family's Christmas dinner, and we spontaneously decided to go. It was simple and nice and drama-free.

For me, I'm trying to let go of the story that holidays should involve big family gatherings--because--why? Tomorrow for Thanksgiving, DH and I are doing another hike together and will make a delicious meal later, just the two of us. It feels really peaceful to do things this way! Yes, it's quiet and I have had to reframe how I interpret that quietness. But it's so much better than drama.

I'm a little disappointed this year because even though DH said he was 'taking a break' from his parents, he last-minute agreed to a holiday meal with them at their place.  But at least he agreed not to go ON Thanksgiving Day. And he didn't even bother asking if I would join. To avoid sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I'll probably plan something fun for myself that day, like a little solo outing for a peppermint mocha and shopping for Christmas decorations.

I hope you find a way to reduce your exposure to your difficult SIL!

[xredshoesx]

my MIL may be PD.  holidays have been WAY easier since my SIL has been hosting which keeps the stress down because we drive in, make chit chat, play with the kids, eat and then leave.  one of the traditions we started is similar to yours- if the weather is decent we find someplace to hike/ geocache on the way home from going over the river and through the woods.

[donutmoonpanda]

I usually host only one holiday--I had to put my foot down a couple of years ago when they made me do Thanksgiving and Christmas back to back, and of course I had to schedule Christmas dinner around SIL's in-law's family gathering so we ate at a weird time. I'd never do that now. Dinner is when I say it is. I host one holiday and SIL hosts the other. It puts me on edge every year.

It sounds like taking a little vacation getaway is probably a good idea for us in the future, rather than having repeated gatherings with SIL. I really like the idea of taking a hike in the great outdoors. I love the cooler weather and getting some exercise during the holidays is always something we need.

[SonofThunder]

Like the great prophet Vince Vaughn stated to his mother in the front end of the movie Four Christmases:   "You cant spell 'families' without 'lies".

Therefore like Vaughn and Witherspoon, I recommend the excuse:  "..were heading to Burma to inoculate babies". 🤣

Best wishes for you,

SoT

[Seven]

Like the great prophet Vince Vaughn stated to his mother in the front end of the movie Four Christmases:   "You cant spell 'families' without 'lies".

Therefore like Vaughn and Witherspoon, I recommend the excuse:  "..were heading to Burma to inoculate babies". 🤣

Best wishes for you,

SoT

On my Christmas movie rotation every year, more than once.  Never get tired of that one.