Five Years

[Call Me Cordelia]

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

This Thanksgiving marks five years since I have seen any of my FOO. The upcoming holidays triggered my "last straw" event and I just needed to say not this time to the family Thanksgiving. I didn't know then that I would not be seeing any of them after that.

I'm feeling yet another wave of grief this morning. Five years seems like a milestone of sorts. A tiny part of me wonders how it could be possible that nothing would have changed with them in five years' time. And yet I don't have any desire to actually interact, so I'm not actually wavering in my NC. Just still a tiny bit of incredulity about how little care they have for me. My sister was hosting that Thanksgiving. I didn't actually have a problem with her. I was just honest and told her what I needed that year. She wasn't angry, we never had a falling out. But aside from a couple of "councils of war" against my parents that her uPD husband tried to manufacture for his own selfish ends, she never spoke to me again. I couldn't do it anymore and she didn't care. My other sister was the same. Once it was evident she couldn't use me, she was over it.

I have a lot to give. I gave most of my life to trying to be a good daughter and sister. The PD-ness of the atmosphere made it hard to pay attention to things that sisters would normally know. I realize now that I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode, so I truly could not absorb details of my sister's job and day-to-day life that she wanted to communicate to me, because it was not pertinent to my all-important goal of getting out of the family gathering without being flagrantly abused. So to her it very well may have looked as if I didn't think her life mattered, I didn't value her choices because they were different than mine and I was just as judgmental as mom and dad. I'm sad about that. I don't know whether my sister is PD, but truly her husband is one of the most flagrant uPDs I've ever encountered. So as long as they are married, no freakin' way. And I'm not about to look them up in order to find out, either. All I can do is let it be.

Today I am grateful that we have found another family in a similar situation regarding FOO. We all enjoy the traditional cooking and such of Thanksgiving, taking a long walk, letting the kids play, reading and playing games with them. And the adults can talk, or just be quiet. I can be sad with them. I can give and receive love today.

I'm not trying to end on an artificially happy note. But my chocolate pecan pie needs to come out of the oven now. I'm grateful for that too. It's my DH's favorite and I was never allowed to make it in years past hahaha. Thanks for the solidarity today, friends.

[xredshoesx]

cheers to you and yours on this bittersweet milestone day, and may you have many more holiday occasions where you can choose what pie you want to make.

[Jolie40]

yes, it is strange to not have holidays with FOO

PD parent always took most of the holidays & everyone attended
I hosted & a sibling were allowed to host a few times

PD parent is in NH now & house was sold
last gathering was at my house & I don't forsee anyone stepping up to host again

so husband, child, & I enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving
and will enjoy a quiet Christmas

the thought went through my mind this week that I was glad we didn't have to go to anyone's house
however, I'm sure our child probably misses seeing her cousins

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - Someone said right before Thanksgiving how holidays are such a mixed bag. How grief you may not have felt for a good long time shows up at our doors. How holidays are a time of embracing and releasing and is inevitable in many ways. I sure can align with this and by your poignant post... you can, too!

Hugs to you and I am betting that 'Cordelia's Freedom Chocolate Pecan Pie' was delicious!

[Big Bear]

Thanks for sharing Cordelia,

I'm so glad for you that you found another healthy family to share the holiday with.  Good friends aren't always easy to find.  A true friend is someone you can be yourself around, whether its the good times or the bad times.  I'm still searching for more true friends in life.

This Thanksgiving I celebrated my second year with no FOO present.  Just my family of choice.  It was drama-free and enjoyable.  We are starting to establish some of our own traditions as a family.  I'm hoping to continue to keep Thanksgiving small and simple like this into the future.  Sometimes less is more.  It's been five years since I attended a complete family reunion, five years of peace.  Letting go has been a healthy change for me.  I realized that I couldn't change them, I could only change myself.  It's different now, but mostly better. 

Hoping all the best for you! 

Big Bear

[Call Me Cordelia]

To you all!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi again. Six years away from the FOO, seventh Thanksgiving.

We shared the day with the same family again this year. We hosted this time. I tried to make things nice but still be balanced. Ok, I went overboard on the appetizers. Sorry not sorry. And it was nice. They are good kind people and they like us. They have nice kids. I felt relaxed. The dishes got done and it was just normal. Dinner for 15, no drama. Awesome.

Yesterday I got frustrated with  my eldest who said he wanted to make a thing and then gave up on it when at that point I was counting on them. Gave up after he left a mess. I was all, "How could you do this???" Because of course this is outside my lived experience. I would a) NEVER have been allowed the responsibility for such an IMPORTANT dish or indeed any cooking and b) never had had the hutzpah to change my mind and disappoint.

It was yet another, "Oh, this is developmentally appropriate. It's my turn to be the parent and teach them." So, I apologized for yelling. We came up with a way to make the dish edible but not so fancy. It WAS rather ambitious of him. And the cleanup could be partially deferred to morning. Phew.

So many scenes in my life follow the trope, "Cordelia gets triggered by her kids, loses it, and then calms back down and tries again." This was just the Thanksgiving episode this year.

But my daughter made the chocolate pecan pie! It was every bit as good as what I've made. I definitely bragged (moderately) about how good it was. In my FOO, all the dishes were "owned" by certain family members. If Grandma couldn't come, we simply weren't allowed to have sweet potatoes that year. And everyone would talk about how sad they were that there were no sweet potatoes, but nobody said they were sad about no Grandma.    That's weird and not how we are going to do things, needless to say!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

That chocolate pecan pie sounds delicious. I still find it hugely gratifying when anything I make comes out of the oven in a condition that is actually edible. So, cheers to the chef.
 
I am over five years NC with my only sibling, and VVVLC with parents. I also at times wonder how it could be possible to go this long without any attempt in a healthy direction on their part, with no attempt to take ownership, no attempt to acknowledge wrong-doing. When I went NC, it was after a "final straw" triggering event where I literally walked out. Nobody has taken time in five years to reassess the actions that occurred prior to that moment though. I did not have any expectations of resolving anything, but still sometimes stand in wonder at it.

I guess maybe it could be an indicator that what we noticed about the dynamics leading to NC was indeed real. Anyway, I am glad you are taking care of yourself well and enjoying those who gathered for this holiday. 

[bloomie]

Cordelia - how beautiful to see your life since breaking free continue to unfold in a way that includes holidays that are peaceful and fun, collaborative and belong to everyone involved!

What valuable life lessons as you allow for one child to take on making a chocolate pecan pie and another learning to pivot and adjust when they take on a challenge a bit too big.

And you, as a mother in the midst of it, that is living out humility and self reflection as you recognize your triggers or grappling with experiences you never had and adjust your engagement with your child as you need to.

"Cordelia gets triggered by her kids, loses it, and then calms back down and tries again."

 You are daring to live differently, authentically, and are breaking generational patterns! Sometimes that looks like a messy kitchen or a moment of frustration that hits us out of nowhere. Thank you for sharing with us!