Love-bombing feels gross now - I just want to cry today

[DontEngage]

Yesterday was horrible.  I watched my uNPD wife verbally abuse our children for not cleaning the right way and up to her standards.  I froze.  I wanted to step in but my body wouldn't move.  My 8 year old came running to me crying because she made him feel so bad.  All I could do was hold him and tell him I love him and tell him it's not right.  I wanted to step in, but I was scared she'd just escalate and make it worse for them.  I don't even care what she does to me anymore, but I just want to do my best to minimize how much damage she does to my boys.  I want to take them and run, but she'd call the cops on my in a heartbeat if I did that.  I hate it here, but I won't leave them here just so I can escape.  I want to move out and divorce her and make a new home for them.  I just figured out that she's an abusive narcissist and I'm not actually the worst husband and father that's ever lived.  I don't know if I can leave and even get 50/50 custody, much less full custody because the courts always lean toward the mother in my state.  I don't have a plan yet, so right now I'm just trying to survive and protect my boys as much as I can.  For the first time yesterday, I told her I wasn't okay with the way she talked to them.  She pulled the usual intimidation, manipulation, and gaslighting that everybody here is used to.  I could barely keep my hands from trembling, but I didn't back down.  She ended the conversation by saying "We're not on the same page again."  It sounds so neutral when I type it, but the menacing tone in her voice said everything.  What she meant was "Get in line or you're gonna regret it."  We had family over for most of the day yesterday and we both pretended we were fine.  This morning, it's like everything's 'fine' again.  She 'accidentally' showed me what she's getting me for Christmas.  A nice computer monitor with a webcam for my job.    She acted like she was the greatest wife in the world.  Then, in front of my oldest son, she referred to me as 'crabby' yesterday and went on about how I get anxious around yelling because my family doesn't know how to handle it.  She told him it was 'normal' in her family, like it's no big deal.  It was one of those situations where, if I disagreed with her, I look like the petty a$$hole, or she would get nasty and mean right in front of my kid and the only way out of that is to agree with her or keep escalating until I look like the a$$hole again.  She's so damn good at it.  I felt like a huge pile of $#it in front of my kid and there was no good way to maintain my sense of dignity.  She's been calling me 'sweetheart' and 'my love' all day.  Now that I know all the patterns, it's so obviously love-bombing, sprinkled with abuse and manipulation.  It feels disgusting to take it so I can avoid more negativity around my boys.  The worst part is there's still a little part of me that likes how it feels.  That makes me sick.  It's a repulsive mix of watching myself get abused and manipulated and being happy for the few moments that she doesn't treat me like $#it.  I don't even know what to do today except to vent it out to you all.  I can't cry in real life because it'll turn into another manipulation tool for her, so I'm crying here with you all.  Thanks for being here.  I love you all. 

[SonofThunder]

DontEngage,

Sorry to read you had a drama-filled day yesterday.  Yes, as you stated, you are among friends who fully understand the "...intimidation, manipulation, and gaslighting that everybody here is used to."   You are not alone in your experiences.   

I was also very pleased to read: "I just figured out that she's an abusive narcissist and I'm not actually the worst husband and father that's ever lived."  Discovering the gaslighted truth is so good, yet opens up our eyes and minds to the world of abuse we've lived in (and under) and afterward, see everything in the accurate naked truth of PD terminology. Bingo! 

Truth knowledge is so crucial yet at the same time so hard to deal with.  I will continue to point you to the toolbox and to continuing your education.  Also, i recommend you journal in a private manner, and like military, police, sports teams and individual athletes, use your journals to hindsight-practice, with the toolbox in mind, what you will do different when the scenario repeats itself, which it will. The Karpman drama 🔺 roles and the IDD cycles work together for the PD, to keep others in compliance so the PD doesn't have to face themselves, while also strangely attaching their emotions to the nonPD for us to host and the PD to regulate through us by manipulation and control.  They are skilled predators.  As you well stated "She's so damn good at it."  We are all dealing with professionals. Again, you are not alone. 

I want to suggest, that this new time of immense awareness for you is a great time in your journaling, to gather data.  Being that you are a therapist yourself, you know well that you can only work with what data you are client-provided, coupled with your continual education plus progressing experiential expertise. The more you have of all three, the better your provided services to the client can be/become.  In this case, you are your own client, as you deal privately with all aspects of your life.  Fortunately (unlike most therapists who meet with a PD), you are getting the raw truth about your wife, and you know the truth about yourself and your roles in life (individual, father, husband, therapist, etc..).  The more data that you can gather, coupled with your growing knowledge, the better preparation and planning advice you will hopefully be able to provide for yourself.  In addition, you may be able as you go along, to reduce both the intensity, frequency and duration of drama episodes for both yourself and your children, by planning ahead and utilizing all the toolbox tools. 

Lastly, glad to read: "I can't cry in real life because it'll turn into another manipulation tool for her, so I'm crying here with you all.  Thanks for being here. I love you all."  We are all here for each other and its great to know we are very much not alone.  You are in good, kind, understanding company here at Out of the FOG, so rant, vent and cry away, and thanks for being here for me when I need the same!  Keep gathering data, keep educating yourself here and with other recommended resources, and again, run through each past drama episode with the toolbox in mind, to prep for the next.  You can do this! 

Your comrade on the trails we walk together,

SoT

[DontEngage]

Thanks SoT!!
I've already seen you around the boards several times and you have tons of ideas and insight to share.  I can tell you've been through a lot of the same stuff and you understand all the feelings I'm going through.  I really appreciate your suggestion to start journaling.  It's incredible the patterns you can see once they're written down in front of you.  And I also appreciate you urging me back toward the Toolbox.  I've already been checking some of that stuff out and it's really useful. Sometimes I forget that so many other people have been down this road and I don't have to reinvent the wheel at every turn.  It pains me that anyone else has gone through this, but I am so grateful that they've been willing to put together this structured and safe place to share the wisdom and tools that can help us get through this and move toward healing. 
Side note - I was feeling so terrible about my yesterday and today that I needed to disclose to someone else today.  I disclosed to my brother (very loving and very safe - survived his own 16 year abusive marriage).  That makes 4 people I've disclosed to, and it felt really good.  We were raised by a covert / vulnerable narcissist mother so it's so natural for us to isolate ourselves.  Half the time, we didn't even need our abusive partners to say anything, we just did it.  I'm loving this new feeling of wanting to call people and talk to them.  I've literally never wanted to do that before, but now I actually feel this internal urge to pick up the phone and talk to someone I care about who also cares about me.  It was a great feeling.  It also felt amazing that my brother picked up right away.  He's predictable.  He's dependable.  I can trust him.  I didn't realize how good that feels.  I've never taken my finger off of the pulse of what my wife wanted long enough to think about what I want or what feels good. 
It definitely feels good to have someone like you to talk openly with as well.  We may never meet in real life, but you're already part of my support system and I'm absolutely part of yours.  If I ever see one of your posts and you're struggling, I'll be right there for you.  I feel so much stronger when I realize how much supporting each other actually works.  we've got this!

[DontEngage]

You aren't kidding about our stories being similar!  I read your "Why am I so bad at this?" post and it felt so familiar.  Sometimes I start out thinking I'm setting a boundary and realize halfway through that I'm already sucked in and explaining or justifying.  I know that, for me, that icy feeling comes from the twisted way anger was handled in my family of origin.  My mom is a covert / vulnerable narcissist who never allowed us to even think about feeling angry.  I think she was so hurtful to my dad that there were a few times he just lost it and yelled at everybody.  She used those times to make him seem so terrifying and paint him as the 'monster', but the way she used her words and her disappointment were even more crushing.  I think the part that terrifies us is how someone can be that rageful and hateful and nasty.  How is that possible?  How can someone claim to love me and then look at me with those burning eyes like she wants me to suffer right in front of her?  They're just so good at what they do.

Here's an encouraging thought though:  Today, since it was a 'everything's better' day, she didn't say anything abusive to me or my boys, just a couple of critical comments (it's sad that that's what we consider a good day, but, it's reality for now).  I know she was love-bombing and being manipulative but it still felt so good not to have the abusive behavior from yesterday that I was actually able to be in a good mood for a chunk of the day.  I 'played along' with her to keep the peace without letting her cross any major boundaries (mostly because she didn't try) and she didn't get nasty.  I realized that I wasn't responding to her love-bombing today, I was just feeling good about not being abused.  I tapped into a couple hours of genuine joy with my boys, confidence in myself, and some really good brain work (I can't even think straight when she's being abusive).  I realized "This is how I really am!!!!"  I love being alive!  I love spending time with my boys!  I love using my brain for learning and research!  I called my brother (he's very loving, very safe) and disclosed my abuse to him.  I enjoyed being transparent and vulnerable with him! 

I know that I still exist in 'her world' for now, but when I get these moments where I really see myself, not the abused partner groveling for more fake love, I feel very hopeful.  I don't know how I'm going to get me and my boys out of her, but someday, I'm going to do it.  There is hope!

This last thought is like walking a REALLY thin fence: I'm balancing how to live day-to-day knowing she's hurting my kids.  If I go too far one way (self-blaming), I can't handle how painful it is and I just want to curl up in a ball and hate myself for bringing them into this situation.  If I go too far the other way (callousness), I can almost 'turn it off' and just accept that it's already happened so much and it will keep happening so there's not point in protecting them or getting them out.  But somewhere between those 2 cavernous options, there's an awareness that my children are being damage, and it makes me sad, but it also motivates me to move.  And I can also accept that, no matter how much damage she does, it's not hopeless.  They can get out and heal.  Hopefully better than I did.  And even then, I'm healing right now aren't I?  I see the truth.  I'm no longer self-blaming and self-shaming and hating myself all day every day.  They can get there too.  Especially if I keep supporting them toward insight and empathy and compassion.  And then, hopefully, they'll never have to be in a relationship like mine.  They can choose better.  There's hope.  Even if they're being hurt today, I can't give up because there's still hope for them.  And us too.

Thanks for being so genuine and vulnerable here user.  It's so foreign for us to believe that being vulnerable won't be weaponized against us, but when we're vulnerable with each other and we take great care and respect with each other's pain, we find that safety and security we've been craving.  And it really does feel that damn good.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Dontengage,  for reasons of self protection we don't mention on this forum what profession we have, especially if it's in the legal or therapeutic field.
There is a lot of literature you might find useful and after reading your post, I immediately thought about the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" by. Glover which you will find as full audiobook on YouTube.
You are aware of course that your own childhood prepared you to be willing to put up with the abuse in your marriage. It felt comfortable because this is what you knew. And I applaud you for your decision that this cycle should stop with you and not be passed on as role model for your boys. I urge you to start implementing the tools from the Toolbox. And break the silence! You have described how good it feels to no longer cover up and feel ashamed for the abuse you are exposed to. Allow your partner to expose herself. Do not change your behaviour when others are around. Allow others to see what goes on behind doors. However your partner behaves is on her.  Stop feeling ashamed for something you have absolutely no control over. You are not responsible for how another person behaves. However, you are fully responsible for how you behave. And allowing your partner to abuse you is your contribution to the situation. It took me years to accept that. I was quite comfortable in the victim role. Only when I acknowledged my own contribution to my abuse, was I able to take steps to get free.
It's different for your boys. They don't have a choice. They cannot walk away. They rely on you to protect them and role model some healthy behaviour for them. Please get all the support you can! You are coming Out of the FOG,  we are here to cheer for you.

[DontEngage]

Notrightinthehead
Thanks so much for your response and words of support.  After I had my light-bulb moment a couple weeks ago, I kept hoping there was going to be a great black-and-white solution that would just make all this feel better at some point.  I know that's not realistic, but I wanted it so badly.  I'm working on Radical Acceptance and coming to terms with the fact that there's no solution here that isn't messy.  But I keep reminding myself that's not my fault.  I didn't choose an abusive spouse because that's what I wanted.  i chose her because it's all I knew.  But I won't take responsibility for her hurtful behavior.  I've thought about the option of 'faking it' for the next 15 years until my youngest son graduates high school, but I don't think I can do that.  I'm so oriented toward living authentically that it actually feels painful to pretend like our marital relationship is still the same so I can minimize the harm she can do to my boys.  I've already decided I'm going to have to get out at some point and that's going to involve a horrible custody battle.  I wish it were otherwise, but I know her, and she's going to get nasty about it.  But I had this great thought today.  I've spent our whole marriage feeling like the weak link and the crappy parent, so it always seemed irrelevant if I tried to be a good dad or not.  But today I realized I am the only one who's able to protect and love them in this situation.  I'm the only one who can fight and advocate for them.  It's scary, but it also feels good in a way.  I like seeing myself as their protector now.  I've always leaned toward showing them love and empathy and acceptance, and I still will, but it's like my role expanded.  I feel more like a full dad for them now, even though I can't protect them from all of her harm and damage.
PS - Thanks for cluing me in about not mentioning my profession.  It hadn't occurred to me, but I totally understand why that makes sense.  Just now as I'm writing this, I realized I had a "I'M SO STUPID" moment when I read that and I almost missed the rest of your message that was full of compassion and support.  I realized how much I've been trained to shame myself and not even recognize when other people are reaching out.  I'm challenging that negative thought by reminding myself that I didn't know and that you pointed it out very kindly and with understanding.  It's so hard to recognize that when I'm so used to being criticized and shamed for making totally normal and human mistakes.  Thanks for showing me that kindness and support today.  I've quickly come to recognize that's how people are on this forum, and it's beautiful.  I keep coming back and experiencing the same supportive approach from everyone.  I almost can't believe that I can write everything I think and feel without judgment and I can trust that pretty much everyone will respond with some form of "I get you and I care about you."  I knew that I hated how I was being treated in my marriage, but I didn't realize how much I was craving positive connection with other people.  Thanks for being part of that welcoming feeling for me.  I hope I can do the same for other people as I get more active in the forum.

[losingmyself]

I'm just joining in the voices welcoming you here to the forum.
It has been a major life changer for me, with many more steps to go, but I know that I have support, understanding, and very much good advise.  There have been times when I heard hard advise that I didn't want to hear, but it was always absolutely what I needed to hear.
We share everyone's heartaches and joys, because to some extent, we have all been there.
It sounds like you have a good start in your journey, and I look forward to seeing your progress.
There's a couple other people I listen to, they are Richard Grannon, and always Kris Godinez.
The more you know..
Good luck to you and your kids.