Completely defeated

[Defeated mom]

Hi all. I've been here on and off for almost 10 years. My dd is 15 and she is finally coming to terms with her father's PD. He is a perfect combo of NPD and OCPD. They had a pretty big blow up a couple of months ago and she didn't want to go stay with him until they both cooled off. He harassed, bullied, shamed, scared her for the entire week with texts and calls...even during school. She was so distraught she couldn't focus on school and sought out the school counselor. During this time I called a lawyer to get some advice. She told me to file for full custody...we now have 50/50...so I did. Two months later we go to mediation. I made it clear that her fathers behavior was damaging dd emotionally. The mediator was clueless and didn't hear a word I said. Her report said that my dd wanted to stay with me to avoid her father's punishment. They did not even want to let dd have a voice and didn't ask to hear what she had to say. My God, I am so tired of fighting this losing battle. I know how much damage it does to a person. The courts just don't care! Unless there is physical violence or drug addiction they don't give an F. We have a court date coming up and I'm not sure what to do. Do I throw in the towel? I know that I am not.going to win. I was going to go in and request mandatory counseling for my dd and ex but now I really don't care if their relationship improves. I have never felt so helpless. My anxiety is thru the roof and I just want this man out of my life. I can't save my dd. I know that now.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. You have come to a good place.
Please read as much as you can on the separating/divorcing board, you will find some good suggestions there.
Do not give up. Your daughter is 15 now, only 3 years to go. You can continue to protect her and yourself.  When dealing with officials, stick to facts only. Collect the texts, the coercive behaviour, but do not label it. And only speak from what it best for the kid. You are there to do what is best for the kid.
Please study the Toolbox for strategies when you have to deal with your ex and also when faced with ignorant mediators and such like. And get support for yourself. I have found CoDA groups to be a stabilizing factor in my healing. Mindfulness, trauma therapy, anything that brings calmness and reason into your life. PDs seem to be able to cope with highly emotional, high stress situations much better and keep the pressure up.  We want to think clearly and rationally and we want to portray this approach to the officials we are dealing with.
Stick around and let us know how you are doing.  You are not alone!

[escapingman]

Hi and welcome Defeated mom, I feel for you and understand exactly what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, I had to settle my court case as favourable as possible for me as I could see no matter how much money I threw at it the Judge would give me full custody of both my children. My STBX has verbally and emotionally abused my kids for years, but the social worker and judge thinks she can suddenly behave just because she said so. I had evidence but that was still overlooked as they were convinced she has changed now when we are separated. I suppose the only thing for both you and me to be able to protect our kids is to get more and better evidence, however to get evidence the children will continue getting damaged.

I send you a big