Reclaiming Christmas

[NarcKiddo]

I loathe Christmas. The very thought of it makes my hackles rise. When my husband asks during the autumn "what's happening at Christmas this year?" it's all I can do not to lose my temper instantly.

For years I used to look forward to Christmas. I loved the decorations and the lights and the food and the traditions and the notion of family all being happy together. I'm not religious (though I was brought up that way) but a good carol service in a beautifully decorated church brings tears to my eyes.

Needless to say with a narc family the reality never lived up to my expectations. I have no idea why I clung to the idea that it might, for years and years. I guess it's all part of why it took me so long to see my mother for what she is. The desperate wish for it to be otherwise kept my blinkers on. Even when I knew it would be awful and the gifts terrible and the atmosphere grim and false I still somehow managed to feel disappointed when it was precisely as I knew it would be.

For some years now I have not bothered to put decorations up at home unless my family was coming round to our house for the family get together. This year, they are not. But this year we are at home on Christmas Day. Just the two of us. That is a rare occurrence but that is exactly what I want to happen. In previous years, if we did not have family obligations we would go on a cruise, partly so that my family who live near had no chance to muscle in. But I resent allowing myself to be chased from my home for an expensive holiday I don't particularly want. Christmas on a cruise ship is lovely in many ways but the festivities just remind me of what I don't have from my family.

This year, I am reclaiming Christmas. I have made it clear when I am prepared to spend time with the family, and Christmas Day is not that time. I have taken the decorations out of the loft and I will be putting up my tree and my lights and the decorations I enjoy.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I hear you on the feeling of being set up for disappointment and burning out on that. I love how you are owning your experience and your feelings.

There's a Scottish clan motto that states, "Despite Them." I'm imagining your Christmas decorating in that same defiant-victim, with a bit of bravado but even so, unconquerable spirit. Deck them halls, girl. Like Braveheart. But without all the war and dying. It'll be great. Eggnog on with attitude. 

Hansel's Messiah in a church gets me every time.  That wasn't part of my experience growing up. It's a Protestant thing and I'm Catholic but truth and beauty is truth and beauty! And that's what Christmas is all about.

[escapingman]

Christmas, ugh. Hate it, it's all about what others want and always ends up in big arguments as I always have to cave in.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR.

STBX and her FOO are not my problem anymore, and my FOO will do their usual Christmas repeating what they done all their life. I am not going near them being forced to follow this template and to be expected to travel round to please everybody.

Christmas dread normally starts from August as that's when STBX and her FOO start planning for Christmas and start buying presents. I am so delighted knowing it's not going to be 3 separate Christmas days, one with STBX, one with MIL and one with SIL. It will be one with me and DD, no plans, just relax. I know STBX is trying to get DD to spend Christmas with them but that is not going to happen, I have custody of DD 

I have already told DD I won't shower her with gifts as her mum and FOO will do, DD knows this and says she don't care about material and just want a nice time. We both rather spend the money on experiences than buying lots of stuff we don't need. I am taking her to the Panto and plan to go away for New Year as a surprise for her. Maybe we can invite some friends one day, but that will have to be spontaneous as I refuse to lock us into plans.

Bring it on NarcKiddo, do it your way and no one else's way!

[blacksheep7]

NarcKiddo,

Not having good memories of christmas with your Foo, I can understand that you loathed the holiday.  It's nice to know that you are having it your way.  Good for you.

There are, in many families, high expectations and obligations of the family being together.  I experienced and understood over a lifetime that narcs want to show everyone how  that they are family oriented.  Oh Family, has a big connotation attached, not always the case of a close knit, happy, healthy one.  As Out of the FOG's you know what I mean.  It mostly underlines the happiness  of the one  (usually the parent) inviting.  It makes them feel good about themselves, feeds that emptiness for supply and importance of self.  IMO.

My covert m became a grinch after nf died.  She expected all the attention on her, not the go-getter. When her g-kids wouldn't give her the supply she craved, she then complained afterwards saying that christmas is just for kids....Well yeah!

When I seperated, my kids were six and eight years old.  I let them go with their father (narc) to his family for christmas, an eight hour drive.  I had empathy for his parents not being able to see their g-kids very often.  That lasted till their mid to late twenties, give or take. 

I finally I reclaimed christmas in 2009 having them at my house and it still stands. Having gkids now is even better.  Their father still had a hold of them as he always planned to go to his parents with ds and dd leaving early on the 26th.  So my xmas on the 25th always ended early because the excuse was to finish packing up and getting ready for the trip the next day.  Grrrr 

For a few years now, their f's wife (has no children of her own) has been trying to steal christmas from me, thank goodness to no avail.  What is maddening in all this is that my ds already got in an argument with her, she pouted and walked out of the room.  Oh my but the worst part is that their father never gets involved, leaves it up to her to do the dirty work, lifts his shoulders (not me).   Coward is the only word fit to discribe him.  He's always been like that.   She tried once again this year.  I had invited them in October having missed two  because of Covid.   I am thankful that my dd and ds  understand that it's my turn now.

[Associate of Daniel]

It's so sad that the FOG can make Christmas (and other occasions) so complicated.

Currently ds15 spends Christmas morning with me and we leave at about midday to get him to his UNPD father by 1pm.  (To his UNPD wife's sister's house, mind you, since he's no longer on speaking terms with his parents.)

So it's a rushed morning.

Then I spend the rest of the day with my loving but geriatric parents and uncle as my siblings are usually off doing their own inlaw family things.

So that's where my life is at. It's sad.

Truth be told, I'd actually rather spend the day on my own. (Apart from seeing my beautiful boy.)

By the time Christmas arrives I'm usually exhausted from work and in desperate need of solitude and quiet.

Anyway, ds will be 16 tomorrow 🤗, and I told him recently that once he turns 18 I'm not going to put any pressure on him to see me on Christmas day.

I figure he'll have enough pressure from his UNPD smother and he's the one who needs to work that relationship out.

So, I'm guessing I'll have some lonely Christmasses coming up but I'm working on accepting that now rather than having to deal with it later.

AOD

[Kat54]

Narckiddo,  Christmas is a very tough time of year for anyone. Lots of pressure with entertaining, families, gifts. It's unfortunately so commercialized it's taken the true meaning away.

When my ex and I were together the words that come to mind. Mean, angry, anxiety, exhausted, crying, sad.

When my adults kids come up on Christmas Day I try and make it relaxing, we have a nice dinner, nice fire and open presents. They get one present and little things in their stockings. I've stopped making a huge deal and will not go back to those days of arguments, bad fights, and tons of anxiety. That's what their father feeds on.

[Preamble]

NarcKiddo I hear you loud and clear

[xredshoesx]

i can't love your idea enough narc kiddo! 

for many similar reasons i too hate christmas.  our reclaimed christmas has DH and I doing things WE want to do, like putting up lights and going to outdoor light shows.  it's also our anniversary and we're getting our main sewer line cleaned out .......  but a clean drain 365/24/7 is way better than trinkets that are more material than meaningful for me.

[Jolie40]

I'm happy we no longer have to spend Christmas with FOO

it was tough for years when first married as we went to FOO in morning & then traveled 4 hrs to husband's family
we never had Christmas to ourselves

now we do have Christmas to ourselves with husband, child, & me
husband will cook turkey & gravy, child does veggie & dessert, & I do mashed potatoes, & stuffing
Yum, Yum!

Merry Christmas NarcKiddo & others!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's brutal, Jolie. A 4 hour drive on Christmas Day.  I'm also glad you no longer do that!

[NarcKiddo]

Just popping in to thank everyone for your comments. Hope you all enjoyed the festivities (or enjoyed them as much as possible given any tiresome people you had to endure).

Also, to update on how my plan went.

The two meals (lunches on separate days) with my PD parents and sibling at my parents' home went pretty well. My mother, who is always the one to behave badly if anyone does, was on good behaviour. We actually got decent gifts for a change. I was doing my usual grey rock, medium chill etc and everything was cordial.

Christmas Day itself was tougher than I expected, given that exactly what I wanted was happening. My husband and I were spending the day together with nobody to disturb us. I didn't even bother to telephone my FOO since we were seeing them the following day. They didn't bother to phone me, either, which was a relief, since mother had suggested that we would talk on Christmas Day. I still found myself feeling uptight. My usual outlet for dealing with this, namely the gym, was of course closed, but I did a work out at home which took the edge off. I tried to be mindful about why I was feeling this way and came to the conclusion it is a learned response to Christmas.

As I contemplate the task of taking down the decorations I feel wistful. I love my tree and my lights and a few special other ornaments and I enjoy having them around for the Christmas period. Putting them away has always made me feel wistful. I feel less so this year, probably because Christmas was much better than usual. Normally I am contending with the crushing disappointment of the whole thing having been as crappy (or worse) than I expected and wondering why I'd bothered to make any effort.

All in all, it's progress. I simply cannot (and did not) expect over half a century of loaded experiences to be miraculously washed away the first year I decided to approach things differently.

I wish everyone here all the best for 2023.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Happy New Year to you, NK. Thank you for the good update! Where I'm from, we leave the decorations up until at least Epiphany, January 6.