Funeral Questions

[Hepatica]

Firstly: no one has died. That said, a cousin contacted me today to tell me my mother was or is in hospital. She hasn't been well for years and I went NC with her and my father, but live within miles of them.

If she dies, I am not sure of funeral decorum in this kind of situation. Has anyone attended a funeral to close family member, parent, sibling, but came and left quickly. Can you arrive slightly late, sit at the back and leave before you have to speak to all of the flying monkeys? Is that too weird?

I will be surprised if my mother lasts much longer. She has been so ill for years now. It could happen soon and I don't know what to do. I am NC with the entire immediate family, father, mother, sibling and siblings children. I am outnumbered, and liable to be embarrassed or yelled at. I am not sure what could happen to me. But I feel it is my right to attend as well.

Very confused. Very anxious.

[moglow]

Were I in that situation, i'd absolutely arrive just before service and sit separately. You could keep to yourself, sit near the back, pay your respects quietly and be gone without any interaction. Or, say goodbye in your own way and your own time and steer clear entirely.


There's no right or wrong way really. What I wouldn't do is become embroiled in any kind of public scene. Just walk away if you have to, without a word.

[Starboard Song]

You have the right to attend.

You have the right NOT to attend.


We have no intentions of going to a funeral for my in-laws. If we decided to, because my wife wanted that, we'd arrive late, sit discreetly, and leave early.

[Sneezy]

Do whatever feels right to you when the time comes.  I think, if you want to, that you could get there right as the service is starting, sit in the back, and then slip out whenever you'd like.  Totally up to you - you answer to no one when it comes to something like this.

[Srcyu]

People slip in and out of funerals all the time. So long as you are quiet and respectful then there really shouldn't be a problem.
You couldn't very well sit with everyone else, that really would be weird. Wait until the actual day before deciding what to do. See how you feel when the time comes.
It would be good if someone else could go with you. For the record, I didn't go to my estranged mother's funeral and I don't regret it.

[Jolie40]

that is my plan:

to arrive late, stand in back, & leave early
told husband & he said "you can wait in car but we're (him & kid) not leaving early
he hates to leave anywhere early

that's my plan cause I don't want to talk with anyone at funeral

[p123]

Yeh I often wonder this too.....

For one, Im worried I won't even look sad. I probably wont be.
I definitely do not want to bump into my brother.

I definitely don't want to bump into relatives who tell me good my Dad was thats for sure,

[Boat Babe]

Even in death they cause problems.

Do whatever feels right for you. You don't have to make the decision now either. You will be feeling all the feels I imagine so ramp up the self care and be very kind to yourself Hepatica. We are your cyber family for this sort of shit, so keep talking to us. Hugs.

[overitall]

For me, both parents are mid 80-s and ill....same situation, NC with just about everyone...I have thought this out and for me I will contact funeral home and make separate, private visitation before actual service.  To put myself in the position of having to endure the entire family would be too stressful for me....

As everyone else has stated, I think you need to do what is the most comfortable for you...I had someone very, very close to me pass away three years ago and all of my NC family showed up and made it a circus...

[wisingup]

I've thought about this as well.  I'm pretty sure there are some relatives that are angry with me, but I'm not sure they would actually confront me.  I would go & talk to the ones who are kind & hold my head up high if anyone is unkind or wants to toss blame around.  What I will NOT do is speak at the service.  I would not be able to say anything appropriate or with the right tone, so best to just politely decline that duty.  There are few or no others who know her well who could speak kindly about her, so it could be a fairly impersonal service & that would be OK with me.

Best wishes - you'll know what to do when the time comes.

[Hepatica]

Thank you to each and every one of you, my cyber Out of the FOG family. As I have been before, I am again, very moved, by your warmth and understanding, and the wisdom you take the time to offer me.

overitall, I have never thought about setting up a private visitation ahead of time. That is such a good idea. I have been going over things quite a bit tonight and i was thinking, perhaps I'd have friends over and have our own private ceremony, but having a private visitation is brilliantly smart. Thank you.

You know how many funerals become a stage, well, my dysfunctional family members outnumber me as I said, and they are also very extroverted people, people who probably should have gone into acting as a hobby or profession. They will soak up all the air in the room and I'd be sitting there quietly taking their judgement. How is this going to help me process this grief? It will turn into nothing but complicated grief and I don't need anymore complicated painful abuse to add on to what I've been trying to manage and heal already.

Has anyone else done a private visitation prior or after the wake? If so, how did this go? What did it look like? I'd be really interested in exploring this idea more.

And thank you again to each of you.

[Feral Child]

Most funeral professionals are acquainted with managing difficult situations and they want the services to run smoothly.  They may be able to assist you.  Could I suggest that you might contact them and see if they have options that could ease your concerns.

This suggestion would only be feasible if you feel confident that they would be able to manage the circumstances.  In a situation where someone with links to the family works at the funeral home, this of course wouldn't work.

This is just a bit of food for thought.  I wish you the best in this difficult time you are facing.  I'm sending a warm hug if you find it helpful.

[NarcKiddo]

Most funeral professionals are acquainted with managing difficult situations and they want the services to run smoothly.  They may be able to assist you.  Could I suggest that you might contact them and see if they have options that could ease your concerns.

This suggestion would only be feasible if you feel confident that they would be able to manage the circumstances.  In a situation where someone with links to the family works at the funeral home, this of course wouldn't work.

This is just a bit of food for thought.  I wish you the best in this difficult time you are facing.  I'm sending a warm hug if you find it helpful.

And as well as discussing a private visitation you could also indicate to the funeral directors that you might want to arrive late and leave early and see if they can reserve a place for you near the back. They must have come across this sort of thing before and I am sure they would be only too pleased to have advance notice of any possible problems so that unpleasantness can be avoided. There was an actual fist fight at one of our family funerals!

[overitall]

After my extremely difficult experience of someone very close passing away three years ago, I had to have contact with the funeral home after the service due to ongoing family fighting...they were very very professional and compassionate....As others have noted, I'm sure it is not an uncommon situation dealing with difficult family situations...Hopefully you can arrange a situation wherein you don't have to have any contact with your NC family members....the most important thing is to take care of YOU