Feel so Helpless

[Granny May]

My DIL was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD nearly a year ago.  She's been put on meds for the ADHD.  Her mother, sister and youngest daughter (14) were all put on them around the same time also.  DIL seems to have taken these Dx as an excuse to act out and it's been escalating fast.  She's always been a person with masses of friends, held up in society as a model mother; a role which she relishes, but these changes in her are now causing massive problems, particularly with the 14 year old daughter, because DIL has been deliberately setting on her until the girl is either in tears, or screaming back at DIL.

Apparenly DIL was brought up in a family where the 3 siblings would scream at each other constantly.  The much younger brother was Dx ADHD at a very early age, so they all have it.

I feel terrible for my son, he doesn't know if he's Arthur or Martha.  Whatever he does is not only wrong, but 100% of the time is seen as deliberately spiteful behaviour towards DIL.  He knows he's not totally blameless, there's sanity on his part I'm very grateful to say.  Even as a child he's always had very honest and realistic opinions on his own behaviour, and can see where he was in the wrong.  Often put himself in his room for bad behaviour before I even said a word LOL

I just feel really overwhelmed as how to best help him and my 2 GDs (14 and 17).  I'm trying to be there as much as I can.  DS knows I'm just a phone call away, and with a uCNPD mother I greatly understand the horrors he's enduring.  At least he can talk openly with me.  After 25 years of keeping my opinions on DIL to myself I have finally told him once, carefully, some of what I feel about her treatment towards me over the years.  I've only tried to welcome her into our family and to create a loving atmosphere.  Spent 23 years wondering what I was doing wrong, but washed my hands of that over the past 2 years, realising it was not my fault.  I've put my foot in it here and there, purely by accident.  I'm human.  But I'm not wearing the blame for this broken relationship any more.  But that's not my main problem anyway.

It's my GDs!!!  However do I help them?  I can't say anything at all about 'your mother is a problem' in any shape or form.  Can't even say 'if you have any problems I'm here for you' as DIL feels she's the only person they should turn to.  And DIL has been working hard to cut off my contact with the girls.  DH and I were passing their school at hometime a while ago and we had a quick visit with the girls.  DIL was at work and the girls would have walked home alone, as they always do.  I made sure they messaged DIL to keep her informed where they were and who with.  But we were told that unplanned visits are *not* allowed, we must always ask permission beforehand.  We were 'good enough' in her eyes for the 8 years we collected them from school when DIL needed that of us, but now she just tries to keep us at arm's length. It's really isolating us from them when we want so desperately to imprint our love, patience and understanding on them so badly.

All I can really do is text the girls loving thoughts or memes on a not-too-frequent basis, but that's doing nothing to protect them and I feel so helpless and useless.  Is there anything I can do?

[notrightinthehead]

Love them, love them, love them. Don't trash their mother but also don't make excuses for her behaviour. Instead listen to them, validate their feelings, be a place where they can vent and feel accepted and safe. Let them know that they can always come to you and will be welcome. The 17 year old will soon be able to make her own decisions, it's only the 14 year old who is stuck for some years still, and it might be better to remain polite and medium chill (see Toolbox if you have not done so already) with your DIL so that you can be there for the kids.

It seems that kids who grow up in difficult circumstances only need one healthy person in their live who loves them unconditionally, in order to have a reasonable chance on developing into a reasonably healthy person.. You can be that person.

[Granny May]

Love them, love them, love them. Don't trash their mother but also don't make excuses for her behaviour. Instead listen to them, validate their feelings, be a place where they can vent and feel accepted and safe. Let them know that they can always come to you and will be welcome. The 17 year old will soon be able to make her own decisions, it's only the 14 year old who is stuck for some years still, and it might be better to remain polite and medium chill (see Toolbox if you have not done so already) with your DIL so that you can be there for the kids.

It seems that kids who grow up in difficult circumstances only need one healthy person in their live who loves them unconditionally, in order to have a reasonable chance on developing into a reasonably healthy person.. You can be that person.

Thank you so much NotRight.  My grandfather was the one person in my own childhood that loved me entirely and completely and I've tried so much to be that for my own grandchildren.  I will continue, and you saying that it only needs one healthy person is such a relief.  I didn't know that.  I've been doing the medium chill for the last couple of years I think.  When DIL is the bright, bubbly, cheery person that she can be, we interact beautifully, but when she's moody or making a mountain out of a mole hill over small health issues I take very little notice and interact as little as possible.  You've been really reassuring, thank you

[goldtracedcloud]

I grew up with a BPD mother and am so sorry you're having to witness this with your son and grandchildren.  I agree with everything notrightinthehead said.  Affirming them for who they are whenever you have the chance to is huge.  Small amounts of love can still have a major impact, and at the very least, give them examples of ways to operate in the world outside of their mother.  Anything you can do to foster or support their independence once they are 18 would be a big deal too. 

& Thank you for being the kind of caring mother and grandmother that you are.  The world needs more people like you!  Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger is a helpful book on BPD that I read recently, may be a good read for your son if he is open to suggestions.   

[Granny May]

Thank you so much Counteract, it's good to know that my love can at least make some difference to them. I'm really sorry that you endured this, it's so confusing with the polar opposites happening without a moment's notice.  Even I am walking on eggshells making sure not to inflict anything that could be taken the wrong way, so it's far, far worse for those living with DIL.  And thank you for the book recommendation too.  Yes, my son is very open to learning as much as he can about the condition and how to cope with it.

& Thank you for being the kind of caring mother and grandmother that you are.  The world needs more people like you!  Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger is a helpful book on BPD that I read recently, may be a good read for your son if he is open to suggestions.   

Naaww thank you for that.  I love them all to bits, and I know how much difference my grandfather made to my own life, coping with my uCN mother.  At least I did know what love was.

I hope your healing journey is going well and you're travelling this road to wellness steadily.