I realized I have trouble with being equal

[Call Me Cordelia]

Guys, vulnerability moment here. I have a friend. She's a kind person. We've shared a lot. I've been feeling frenemy vibes toward her lately. And it's really upsetting me.

I think I figured out my problem. She is very skilled in areas that I am weak, and I have always been really self-conscious of those weaknesses. Specifically people skills and making people like her. I've always really stank at small talk. I don't agree with her on certain things lately, and I've felt angry! I don't like that she does x and here the world is rewarding her! From legitimate difference in perspective, to bitch eating crackers type pettiness. Ugh, "Susie's" wearing those silly shoes today? She's so eager for attention. Those kind of thoughts. I've been very eager to pounce on her and condemn her as a fake suck-up playing for popularity. In my mind, anyway. At least I never said anything about it. I'm awkward and kind of a grouch, but at least I'M authentic!

I was playing the devaluation game. Ugh. Susie doesn't have to be my best friend. I don't have to like everything she does. None of it is my stuff. But her being good at something, even better than me, doesn't devalue me. I wish I really believed that. But I was hit in all my insecurities. I was threatened. I felt like I was ten years old again and not invited to the popular girls' sleepover. I could think I wasn't envious because I truly don't actually want to do all of the things she does. We are different and I would not be happy living her life. But if I tried, I would fail, and it felt like she was rubbing my face in it.

This is such a flea-ish way of thinking, and I'm having all kinds of shame attacking me now. I'm basically having an allergic reaction to her appearance of success in something that's hard for me. I have a need to feel superior to other people in all things. It was ingrained in me from childhood that if I wasn't the absolute best, then I may as well not exist. So any perception of being inferior is majorly triggering to me. I need my friends here to let me know it's going to be okay, and help me climb out of it. Thank you.

[Poison Ivy]

You will be okay. Your self-perception and honesty will help, even though right now they're contributing to you feeling pained.

[JustKeepTrying]

CMC -  I feel whaat you are saying deeply.  There is something inside of me that wants the recognition for all the crap and trauma we have endured and to see someone else succeed really triggers that jealousy.  Why can't it be me?  It sucks and it spirals.  But there is something you are missing in this jealous shame spiral - you saw it.  you are acting on it and reaching out for help.  you are doing something about it.  being vulnerable and willing to grow and adapt.  that is huge.  really huge and not to be underestimated. 

Something that may help with the daily emotions and ruminations is a journal dump.  Really free write it and dump it all on the page.  Really purge those feelings so they don't build and overwhelm.  No need or worry to police yourself.  It helps me manage those intrusive thoughts.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you for your kindnessPoison Ivy.

JKT: Part of my difficulty is that she does in fact have family trauma. Like me, from both FOO and IL's. And yet somehow she can fawn over everybody and make those relationships workable for her, while acknowledging there are problems. She works really hard at it, harder than I'm willing to, but it's working apparently. She gets to feel good about how she's managing things and seemingly rise above at all with a smile and scores of people admiring her and frequently being the center of attention. But for me, I had to cut everyone off and fight with these emotions every damn day and it's just not fair. I feel frequently forgotten and taken for granted, even in my own FOC.

Anyway, thank you for your kindness. I think you are spot on about journal dumping. Or even just scrap paper and burn it.

[JustKeepTrying]

CMC - it isn't fair.  It really isn't and it really sucks.      But I see you and I see you are trying to do it - your own way and that is valid and important.  JKT

[pianissimo]

JKT: Part of my difficulty is that she does in fact have family trauma. Like me, from both FOO and IL's. And yet somehow she can fawn over everybody and make those relationships workable for her, while acknowledging there are problems. She works really hard at it, harder than I'm willing to, but it's working apparently. She gets to feel good about how she's managing things and seemingly rise above at all with a smile and scores of people admiring her and frequently being the center of attention. But for me, I had to cut everyone off and fight with these emotions every damn day and it's just not fair. I feel frequently forgotten and taken for granted, even in my own FOC.

I listen to podcasts by clinicians in psychology. There were a couple of times I heard that if you have unmet needs, you might feel competitive with others or envious of them, even if you aren't into what they have. Perhaps you still miss having a FOO, and wish things could have worked out differently, or the pain of it makes you think you haven't tried hard enough. So, your friend's experience might be triggering these kinds of feelings.

If you shared your history with FOO, it might be fair to say perhaps there is a little insensitivity on her part to share her experience with you without checking how it's affecting you.

[Sojourner17]

CMC,  I sometimes struggle with feeling equal as well and get triggered when I'm working hard at something or struggling with something and a friend comes along, not even necessarily wanting that something and just naturally does it well (or so it seems to me at the time).  It can be disheartening and frustrating and at times I have struggled with resentment, envy and anger towards people as a result.  When that happens I usually pray, journal or talk to my husband about it.  All three help that's for sure.  Reaching out and asking for help/outside perspective in a safe community such as this one is also so helpful.

One thing that I try to remind myself is that just because something Im struggling with comes easy to someone else doesn't mean that it isn't worth working through and continuing to pursue getting better at.  At some point I will come out on the other side, it just might take longer.  Maybe it wont be as perfect or well done as what other person did,  but I can still take pride in a job well done...for me and still feel good that i continued to work at it.  I also remind myself that from the outside it may SEEM that that other person has it all together but that is not exactly true.  We all have struggles, things we are good at, things we are bad at. 

I can think of one person in my life who sounds a lot like what you describe with your friend.  There are times I have been quite envious of her and how she handles her FOO, her children, etc. but then I think,  she's only telling me what she wants me to know (good or bad).  And really, in a way I'm doing the same thing to her as well. 

I'm working through Glenn Shiraldi's Self-Esteem workbook.  Just this morning I was reading about automatic thoughts and distortions.  One of them being making unfavorable comparisons.  He writes the following "Suppose you had an unusual magnifying glass that magnified some things (like your faults and mistakes, or the strengths of others) and shrunk others (like your strengths, and the mistakes of others).  In comparison to others, you would always seem inadequate or inferior - always coming out on the short end of the stick... A way to challenge this distortion is to ask, "Why must I compare? Why cant I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses? Another's contributions are not necessarily better, just different."

Perhaps thinking about your friend through this lens may help you with your feelings/thoughts toward her and help you see things in a different light.

[notrightinthehead]

Cordelia, you wrote
...." I have a need to feel superior to other people in all things. It was ingrained in me from childhood that if I wasn't the absolute best, then I may as well not exist...."

I believe that might be the core of your problem. Might be that whenever the feelings of envy, resentment, insecurity, and inferiority crop up, this could be a sign for you to make a special effort with self soothing. You could tap into the feeling, then find statements that re-assure you of your own worth, your own valuable contribution, your own importance and that you are worthy of being loved. Especially by yourself.  Several times a day. Or listen to positive affirmations.

Instead of focusing on the qualities of another person you soothe your own triggered insecurities in a healthy way.

[xredshoesx]

i deal with something similar bc of the stark differences in how my half brother (via uPD mother) and half sisters (via my biological dad) were raised.

i'm the intersection of this crazy family venn diagram.  i saw my grandparents fawning over my "uncle" and repeatedly treating him like the prodigal son, i saw my sisters getting E V E R Y T H I N G  and making stupid ass choices and still getting it fixed by our dad and their mom.

meanwhile i'm collecting returnables to pay my way through school and nobody seems remotely interested in helping me with anything as i struggled as a teen and young adult.  this is one of the reason i went NC with everyone on my mom's side and have kept my dad's family at a long arm's reach since his mother died in 2007.  i resent that there was no equality amongst the children of these two broken people.  there was always someone to swoop in and take care of all of them when their parent(s) couldn't but i get to grow up in a state home..... the resentment i feel runs deep and does affect my day-day when things are really unfair on the job---- like when i had to wait over a school year to get the same tech other teachers had (but i get the same eval they do on tech).

i don't know how to fix it or make it go away.  not everything can be fixed or made better from broken.  i do know that being able to acknowledge the resentment i feel has been powerful in other ways for my growth- for one it helped me see my father in a different light and i know the parenting my sisters received was their mom's way of protecting them from his addiction to drugs/ alcohol and she overcompensated... and this helped me take my dad off the pedastal that 7 year old me had put him on as a child as he was going to be the hero that rescued me in all my scenarios of being taken back home.   this resentment made me see he's not the hero in the story- it's me.  i rescued my damn self.   it still hurts tho.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for the share, CMC.  This topic and discussion is really hitting the spot for me.

I have a person in my life much like your friend.  She can work a room, be comedic, tell everyone how much she LOVES them, and flatter them up and down to great effect.   But I've seen behind her black curtain over the years, so I know it's fake and she'll drop them like a hot potato the minute they aren't giving her back what she wants,  But to them she's great, much more appealing than someone like me.  I don't say anything to them about her, but I've gone LC.

I've had a similar reaction to you in that I've felt bad about myself, like I'm just petty and have sour grapes.  Then I started realizing I have other friends who are also much more adept at socializing than I am, who get much more attention than I do ... but I don't feel that way about them at all.  They're not playing a game; they're just naturally gregarious.  And they're not trying to "best" me the way this other one does.
  
I'm learning to trust myself more.  I'm not beyond envy or resentment or insecurity.  Still working on that.  But maybe when my insides are saying "I don't like this!" there's a good reason.

Free

[Poppy]

Hi CMC - I commend how brave you are to share and how insightful you are own inner workings that you can see your own reaction to your friend.

I've noticed that when I feel envious or irritable at people like you described, it has very little to do with them and all the more with myself.
It's information on where I'm not satisfied in my own life. So please don't go down the rabbit hole of shame. This is only very human.

BUT: Use these feelings as information. What do you feel isn't working in your own life in these areas? Is there something you'd like to change? Put the focus on yourself, not your friend. This is empowering and a much more efficient use of your energy

And you can't really compare your choices of how to deal with your FOOs. Even if both were toxic, it was not the same. You and your friend are not the same. And so your choice of distancing was right for you and perhaps not for her. Both ways come at a cost, as all things in life do. It's just hard to imagine because we can't see into someone else life.

[treesgrowslowly]

Thank you for your kindnessPoison Ivy.

JKT: Part of my difficulty is that she does in fact have family trauma. Like me, from both FOO and IL's. And yet somehow she can fawn over everybody and make those relationships workable for her, while acknowledging there are problems. She works really hard at it, harder than I'm willing to, but it's working apparently. She gets to feel good about how she's managing things and seemingly rise above at all with a smile and scores of people admiring her and frequently being the center of attention. But for me, I had to cut everyone off and fight with these emotions every damn day and it's just not fair. I feel frequently forgotten and taken for granted, even in my own FOC.

Anyway, thank you for your kindness. I think you are spot on about journal dumping. Or even just scrap paper and burn it.

Hi Call me Cordelia,

A few things stick out for me in your writing. My first thought was, that when I have had some of these feelings about other people, I had to really remind myself that there are legitimate personality differences in the world. What upsets me, may be something that another person with a different temperament, will not be so upset by.

So if she is a different personality type from you, then she is going to deal with life differently. And for her, some parts of life may be easier.

It is hard, on the road of recovery from FOG, to see people who have it 'easier'. Their ways "fit" more easily in the world they happen to inhabit. Lucky them. I have come to believe there is an element of luck to some of the things that happen to us. Whether we luck out with a relative who understands, or if we don't. (for example).

The other thing that comes to mind for me as I read your posts here, is that if people around her truly are impressed by her and putting her at the centre of attention, I would say that this is a sign that she does a lot to fit in. I am suspicious of this - I do wonder how much of her energy she gives away so that she can keep those relationships going and keep so many other people happy with her.

From what you describe, certain things in life have gone in her favour, and maybe she takes credit for them, when really, she lucked out with some favourable conditions that she capitalized on.

Emotionally immature women are the ones who trigger me the most- they are the ones who remind me of the FOG I grew up with. The feelings of shame and inferiority, the demands on me to be perfect. They can really bring me down, and all the fleas from childhood come up. Just like you describe.

Emotionally mature women remind me of who I was always meant to be. The world is full of both. But I think there are fewer women in recovery from their crappy childhoods than we wish there were. There are a lot of women who remind us of the wounds we had - especially around shame and perfectionism.

Is it possible that you picked up on some (unacknowledged) shame that this woman is projecting onto others? It kinda sounds to me like she may have some fleas that she projected out.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you all for such thoughtful replies. I wish I could fully respond to everything.

I think there are many different things going on here, kind of a both/and. Some of my spidey sense about unhealthy behavior is genuinely being triggered by her, AND I'm overreacting to it and making others' positive reactions to her into an invalid negative judgment of me. My outer critic is trying to protect me AND I'm judging myself for having that trauma response.

I'm more vulnerable to all of these emotional attacks right now because 1) Hello, December. 2) My whole family has been sick on and off for weeks (picked it up from guess who lol)  3) I have numerous commitments with this particular person so I don't have the option of just taking a step back at the moment. And 4) she is in a position of authority over me on some of these commitments. Bam bam bam.

I did release a lot of the emotions, and I appreciate so much all of your compassion. I'm sorry we all suffer so much with these feelings. There really is enough love to go around!!! I think the best I can do right now is just fulfill my actual obligations and then refocus on self-care. I can revisit this later. Or not. I'm sure it will come up again.

[NarcKiddo]

I have no insights to offer but the feelings resonate with me. Thank you for sharing them as I have found this thread helpful.

[Jolie40]

list YOUR good qualities on paper for yourself
I would say from your posts that you are kind and compassionate

it's impossible for anyone to be good at everything
however, we can be the best "us"

remember there is no other Cordelia in the world
you are unique just as we all are unique

no one can fill our shoes as no one has lived our life
we all have a purpose
we can strive to be the best us, not the best "other" person

no one has our smile, our thoughts, our unique gifts
each of us is irreplaceable

I'm reminded of an exercise child did in elementary school
everyone in the classroom wrote on paper something good about each classmate
you could tell the kids really thought about it
my child got replies such as "you are nice", "you are helpful", "you are a good friend"

if only we did this exercise in adulthood so we could hear our good qualities & that we are loved

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. Jolie, you brought back a memory. My class did something like this in first grade. Every kid got a turn to be "student of the week" and they had a poster to take home at the end of the week with exactly these sort of things written on it from the whole class. I wanted to put it in my room and I wasn't allowed to. I already had an insufferable ego according to my mother and it wouldn't be good for me. Is it any wonder I have a hard time accepting affirmations?

[Hopeful Spine]

I was playing the devaluation game. Ugh. Susie doesn't have to be my best friend. I don't have to like everything she does. None of it is my stuff. But her being good at something, even better than me, doesn't devalue me. I wish I really believed that. But I was hit in all my insecurities. I was threatened. I felt like I was ten years old again and not invited to the popular girls' sleepover. I could think I wasn't envious because I truly don't actually want to do all of the things she does. We are different and I would not be happy living her life. But if I tried, I would fail, and it felt like she was rubbing my face in it.

I feel you on all these levels.  Coming Out of the FOG I've made some new friends.  Ones I really respect, appreciate and admire.  But it doesn't mean that I've lost those feelings of insecurity that creep up.

I have a friend, let's call her Kay.  Kay is one of those amazing persons who has boundaries and enforces them.  She has been through a lot in her life and she is unapologetically firm.  A great role model.  She is a wonderful friend who does all the thoughtful things.  She texts when she knows things are hard.  She makes social media posts in support of my business and gives generous "shout outs".  She's really great at stopping in and dropping off a bouquet of flowers from her garden, or a pint of strawberries when she visits the pick your own strawberry farm.  People connect with her easily and simply LOVE her.  In any room, she commands attention in the best way.

But.

We plan events together and even if we share the duties and she gives me the credit, people rave about HER.  "That event Kay threw was amazing!!"  "I hear Kay is planning another event in the fall."  "Great job Kay!  This was a blast!"

And I grit my teeth because maybe I wanted some of that credit for myself.  When we go to an outing together, people flock towards Kay.  Not me.  Kay.

Even though  I am accomplished in my own way and even though I am secure in what I truly contribute.  And even though Kay isn't sneaky in any way.  I sometimes get very annoyed with Kay and internally judge how she runs her life.  I notice her flaws.  I notice that she has a bad habit of gossiping.  I notice that she will think nothing of bailing on an appointment with a friend if she decides that her time is better served elsewhere.  And I think - "psssss, Kay isn't so great!"

But deep down I know that I don't have strong boundaries.  I am ashamed that I haven't been able to use my struggles to strengthen myself like Kay has.  I have to admit that I don't make the efforts Kay makes to reach out to people.  Then, when I am even more generous I remember that Kay has her own insecurities that she struggles with.  Kay has her own issues that makes her hold people at a distance.  People love her but she doesn't allow them to really know her.  Kay's bubbly, popular exterior hides a person who knows how to escape relationships to protect herself.

You are right that your issues with your friend are yours to deal with.  I too have always been the "better" one in all my friendships.  I was always in charge.  I was always more fun.  I was always more thoughtful.  For the first time in my life I'm learning from my new friends instead of carrying the team with my efforts.  It's an odd place to be but one that will ultimately make us better people.  Allow yourself to feel those feelings but take that time to reflect and then give yourself some grace.  You are not alone.