makes me sad

[Jolie40]

GC brother & GC sister just posted on FB about PD parent passing on Fri/funeral is Wed

they each have posts about wonderful memories with parent
memories that I never had since I was SG

it makes me sad to think I don't have any wonderful memories
believe me I have tried & tried to find some but all I have is sad/bad memories

GC sister & brother were SO lucky to be doted on
why didn't I get THAT parent?

[Call Me Cordelia]

The reason why has nothing to do with you. You are an unrepeatable gift, a beautiful soul. It shows through the screen. That your parent didn't see that is super sad. But you still are.

In a way, the GC were not seen as they truly were either. You were all given a script, a role to play.

[Jolie40]

Thank you Cordelia!

your sweet post made me tear up

[Sneezy]

You deserved a parent that adored you and took care of you, rather than scapegoating you.  I'm sorry that's not what you got.  It isn't right 

As Cordelia said, you all were assigned a role.  And woe to anyone who didn't play his/her assigned part.

One other thing - don't believe everything you see on facebook.  Most people post a pretty curated view of their lives that is not entirely accurate.  Your siblings may be posting at this point simply to keep up appearances.

[Hepatica]

Remember for many, many people, social media, esp, disordered people, social media is a mask. It's easy to show our best. But only the modest and compassionate can show the real. You've seen what's behind the mask. You're not alone in that sorrowful desire to find something good and come up finding little to nothing. I'm so sorry. I really relate to that.

Agree with Sneezy. You, we all did, deserve a parent who adored us and took care of us, body and soul.

Take care of yourself now Jolie40. Lots of TLC. One day at a time. One breath. Lots of love.

[Jolie40]

Thanks Sneezy & Hepatica for your kind words!

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with all the comments above, especially Sneezy's. Everyone deserves to have parents who treat them well, and reaching the point when that cannot happen because the parent has died is a distinctive harm. I'm sorry you have to endure this.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, Jolie!  It hurts.

My GC sis puts all the feels on buttbook. Lol.  I think it's her way of trying to tell herself things were better than they actually were. I scroll on by after I make a face.

We grieve what should have been and that's ok. Every child deserves love and unconditional acceptance.   

[Jolie40]

Thank you Poison Ivy &Amadahy for your kind words!

[moglow]

Jolie, it makes me sad for you. It's rather a gut punch I'm sure, even knowing on another level what you were dealing with.

Not long ago a therapist had me write out my 10 best/10 worst memories - I went with overall, not just those involving her. I realized I had no bright shiny memories with mother. There were a few scattered instances of "not bad" but no *happy* childhood memories involving her, forget "best." Unfortunately she popped repeatedly on the worse list. In talking with my brothers about it later, they've said much the same. I'm not sure if we avoided her or her us, but I suspect we were afraid of setting her off and learned young to steer clear as much as we could. And of course that was the wrong thing to do as well...

[Jolie40]

Jolie, it makes me sad for you. It's rather a gut punch I'm sure, even knowing on another level what you were dealing with.

thanks for taking the time to reply!
sorry your childhood is devoid of happy memories with your mom......it's tough

difficult to read their long FB posts & each posted a happy picture of them with parent

one of my other siblings is doing a eulogy
I dread hearing as it "might" portray her as a "perfect" mom or close to it
I'll post on here if that's what happens

as I posted on funeral thread, I'm sitting in back & leaving early

[moglow]

Remember always, none of that is your stuff to carry. Your experience was simply very different from theirs. I totally understand the painful comparisons and even resentments because of the differences but do what you can to push those feelings away, to separate yourself from her treatment of you. THAT is all on the PD parent - not you or even your siblings.Yall will just have to agree to disagree if that's brought up or they try to defend her treatment of you.

[practical]

I'm so sorry for your loss, for the finality of knowing you will never have the parents you deserved.

Unfortunately, in PD families there is a scapegoat, why it is one or the other person, I don't know, for some reason it was you, it isn't personal, it had nothing to do with you.

Wishing you time to heal and find peace, and always know, you are loveable just as you are.

[Jolie40]

Thanks for your kind words, practical!


I was just contacted by sibling doing eulogy to ask if I had a memory to share.

I had to email back that I don't have anything to share. She is going to credit everyone in the eulogy & I'll most likely be the only one not sharing a memory.

[moglow]

Jolie, people are going to think what they think no matter what you say or do and that's not yours to explain. Don't let your grieving/lack of same be a reflection of others. They didn't live this life, you did. Truth be told the sibling probably was torn - don't ask and be seen as unfeeling or uncaring, ask and have to face there's not a whole lot you can say. [My brothers have only recently admitted to me that I bore the bulk of mother's abuse. I had always believed she abused all of us, turns out it was mostly directed at me and for the most ridiculous reasons you can imagine. Mainly because she could and no one would dare do or say anything. Some of the things they've told me boggle the mind even now. They all wonder why I had anything to do with her later at all much less tried to have a relationship with her. I believed, as I was told many times by her and others, that it was my responsibility to be the bigger person and to forgive etc.]

And forgive me, but there's no need to "credit" anyone during the eulogy. She could share general stories and call it a day, not put anyone in the spotlight. That speaks more to her character than anything you could say about your mother ever would. I hope she reconsiders that idea.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My husband and I both agree that when we die, we don't want eulogies. Anything that needs to be said about us will be said to the people who ought to hear it, not a general audience and putting a burden to make a nice speech on one person. Unless someone is a public figure and it's addressed to the general public by a colleague, I suppose. But our private lives and relationships are all too varied for one speech to capture who a person really was for all those listening. It will not be universally edifying or comforting in the vast majority of cases, even for decent people. All that to say, I think it's a silly, all too easily hurtful custom and I would support you in absenting yourself from that portion of the proceedings if you wish it.

[Jolie40]

[My brothers have only recently admitted to me that I bore the bulk of mother's abuse. I had always believed she abused all of us, turns out it was mostly directed at me and for the most ridiculous reasons you can imagine.

I admire your brothers for validating your experiences. That must have made you feel something positive that they recognized what you went through.

[Jolie40]

My husband and I both agree that when we die, we don't want eulogies. Anything that needs to be said about us will be said to the people who ought to hear it, not a general audience and putting a burden to make a nice speech on one person.

yes, it's an odd custom as the person is not there to hear the good things said about them

I have several siblings & surprised GC sister or GC brother did not chose to do eulogy
the sibling who is doing it is a quiet person so they are being brave for choosing to do it
(to stand up in front of a church full of people)

[Jolie40]

one of my other siblings is doing a eulogy
I dread hearing as it "might" portray her as a "perfect" mom or close to it
I'll post on here if that's what happens

so that's what happened earlier today
sister's eulogy made parent seem "perfect"

even though she wasn't a GC, apparently parent & her went shopping weekly
also, got candy on her day off from work
it's so interesting that they did that but no one ever told me parent took this sibling as well as GC sibling on weekly shopping trips (they kept lots from me)

GC lied to me one time & said parent NEVER paid for anything for her kids
yet todays eulogy said the opposite......how much parent did for grandkids (not my kid though)

I got through it ok as I was a zombie trying hard not to fall asleep
only slept 3 1/2 hrs last night for some reason
I left few minutes early from church & sat in last seat

now just one more thing to attend....sibling-in-charge called a lunch for all of us
apparently, there is some money left & he's giving us each a check at the lunch
surprisingly, he said it was split evenly....did not expect that

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs to you, Jolie. Almost through.