Baptism of fire

[escapingman]

I am not sure if this is the right expression but I feel I have gone through the baptism of fire the last week(s). I completely feel like a new person in my body, I can't really explain but I had a rotten few days and it felt like everything fell apart and suddenly I just felt like this. What's in the past is in the past. I even watched one of my favourite youtubers, Narcdaily, and I laughed out loud when he talked about the narc leaving stuff behind to be able to hover (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfXWh1XyBK0). I never done that, but it felt so ridiculous and still spot on I could not help myself. DD and I had a few difficult altercations but we got so close to each other after them. I can really feel the trust DD puts in me and she tells me everything about how she feels. I also finally got someone to talk to, a real person, a friend,  that gets it. WOW. I am not giving more info about that at the moment but I means a lot to me.

I just can't believe the difference now to just a week ago. I feel I made more progress in this week then in the past months.

[SonofThunder]

So very nice to read a positive report EM ☺️.  Also glad to read you made a friend connection whom you may share and be understood.  Wishing you many more. 

SoT

[escapingman]

I am really going through all the emotions now, I just wonder how it will look like when on the other side of this. I can see the future, I am starting to live it, but the past still holds me back a bit. This has just been so overwhelming with STBX, FOO and all new social contacts I am making. Everyone I speak to I start examine for red flags, in an unhealthy way, I convince myself that anyone that is nice to me is wearing a mask. They can't be, I know that, but still I am suspicious. I can't turn down people wanting to connect just in case they are PD's, I just can't, but it would feel very safe to do so. I have got another new very good friend, we have a mutual interest, he lives far away but we meet sometimes for this interest and are keeping in touch on the messenger. When I met him the first time I didn't think we would become friends, he was not the type of friend I get, he was quite grey and boring. But we met a few more times and we really enjoy each others company, maybe this is the problem I use to have, with PD's it's instant fun and games when you meet someone. This friendship is growing slowly, we are both giving and taking, I am used to only give but never take. I will save the other friend out for now, but I will come back on that as it is a bit overwhelming right now.

[square]

I think we are indeed forged by fire. It can destroy us, or it can lead to new growth.

I think it's natural and okay to be suspicious for a while. I believe you will be able to let people in again but it's wise to keep your guard up while you are healing. It sounds like you're not totally shutting people out, just running them through the guardhouse first.

I do think that instant feeling of fun and games is, not a red flag, but certainly a yellow one. No doubt there are good people in this world that you would click with very quickly, but most people who are looking to just jump into you are notvreally good at stable, boundaried relationships, and are looking for you to be the solution to all their problems.

For someone to grow up unseen and unheard like you, it will feel like an oasis in the desert for someone to really (seem to) see you and appreciate you. People will see and appreciate you, but the ones who can stand on their own two feet will do exactly that, rather than clutch you like they are drowning.

[JustKeepTrying]

square - that is beautifully put.  " People will see and appreciate you, but the ones who can stand on their own two feet will do exactly that, rather than clutch you like they are drowning."

EM - I am so happy to hear of your healing and growth.  Of peace and beauty and connection.  Love it.

As for red/yellow/green flags - you will know.  Eventually you will know and you are better attuned than you give yourself credit for.  Trust yourself.  You got this

[escapingman]

I am finally starting to feel less and less connection to STBX, I am still terrified of seeing her, not so about what she would do but how I would react. Lately I have seen her car outside school when we both have dropped off the girls, my heart is not pounding anymore. I have almost have had panic attacks as soon as I see a car of the same make as hers and the same colour, to be honest it has been enough with a similar car of the same colour and my body tense and start preparing for fight or flight, but not so much anymore. STBX is hoodwinking the social worker, which is a problem, she is trying to get us to use a communication app as she apparently is desperate to start communicating with me regarding the children. She wants to share things going on with GC and obviously want me to share what is going on with DD. In the protection order it clearly states email is allowed for issues relating to the girls, so if she really wanted to share about GC she is free to email me, but by doing so she can't complain and cry to the SW. SW got really narky with me and asked me bluntly how do I contact STBX then if for example DD ends up in hospital, me replying "By text" took her back a bit. The order clearly states text is allowed in an emergency. Although if I am honest the last person either me or DD would need if she was in hospital is STBX so in all seriousness I would forget to text her. SW got quite angry with me in the last meeting, there was a third person in it as well, and it was almost I could see PD frustration in her as she was not happy I didn't agree with her regarding contact. I am quite proud of myself for calmly explaining my point when she got more and more defensive and aggressive and outright lied about what the court ordered, no point her trying to lie to me as I know exactly what the court ordered and what they didn't order.

Christmas is coming, for the first time in many years I am in peace this close to it. The knowledge that someone else have to look after her when she has her traditional outburst is very comforting, unfortunately GC will be there to witness it. But if she is harmed, that's not on me, that's on the SW and Judge.

Oh, and in this new friend I have a real ally, she gets it, she really does. She is one of us.