when you marry into the enmeshed family

[Iamenoughmary]

Its been one of the most difficult things in my life. Its been 45 years and I have never felt so out of place.  I dread holidays with them.  Any one marry into the enmeshed family and examples of behavior.  Thank you . I'm trying to get thru another holiday with them

[Iamenoughmary]

 meant to put on in-laws board... sorry

[Gwendolyn]

Hello neverenoughmary

Holidays are very difficult for me too.  It took a long time to realize I am the one being excluded.  It's not that I 'can't fit in'..or that something is wrong with me.

My hubby's family judges me and thinks I trapped their brother into marrying me..with no evidence..and they don't think I'm good enough for him and they get up and walk away from me if I enter a conversation with them. 
So I don't go to any occasions with them except weddings and funerals.

You want an example?
Hubby's mom passes last year and his sister and brother had a seating plan at the funeral where I would be separated from them and their spouses and my hubby.

Then on the procession leaving the church to cross the street to the graveyard service they had a strategy where I wouldn't be part of the procession. 
I kind of defied that by walking beside my husband anywaycat the head of the procession.
After the funeral I wasn't invited to the catered meal at a local golf course.

Hubby accepts this treatment of me and pretends it's okay for people 'not to get along'.

I've listened to a Jerry wide video with the title "when families attack" and its very revealing.  He also has talked recently about the super-family-structure... and  overriding family self that is larger than the individuals involved.

It's all wrapped up in judgements and obligations and I realized early on that they were never going to get to know me or accept me so being fake nice once every few years is all they'll get from me.

My own F00 doesn't invite me to Christmas anymore since drunken brother in law accused me of disrespecting his family by not sending condolences when his sister died (even though my hubby sent condolences on a group email)... he uninvited me to Christmas 4 years ago and my own mom never tried to fix anything and generally sided with bil... oh its too bad you have a rift.

What?????
Anyways.  I put my recovery and sanity ahead of my inlaws and F00.
I will be having Christmas with a neighbor's family where we have lots of laughs and hubby can go to his sister's place and that's that. 

Being clear about my plans means I can feel less rejected and more in control.   I'm also having a 2 day winter carnival in my yard (large property) with a bonfire and food and music and sleigh rides..all my friends are invited .  I have one sister who keeps her relationship with me and she'll probably attend.

Icant fix these people and I don't respect them or trust them.... all that's changed is the FOG has,come off me and they lost their scapegoat...both families...

I love the freedom of not caring.  I have more quality people in my life now that I am less enmeshed with dysfunctional family dynamics.  It's a big subject but the impacts are real.

Best wishes to you and you'll know in your gut what's the right way forward for you.

[Iamenoughmary]

Gwendolyn, That is just so horrible!!  To seat you differently, and not let you be part of the procession!  Oh my that is just mean! I am sorry you go through such treatment. I admire you for not caring and staying strong and doing whats best for you. Your Christmas Winter Carnival sounds amazing!!  No we cant fix them, and I have skipped some events. This one is at my daughters house so I will go and just walk away when they get loud. I often step outside, get some fresh air.   Most times I stay busy in the kitchen. I just love it when I get back home!  Calm again and I relax.  Thank you for the reply. 

[bloomie]

neverenoughmary - I moved your thread over to this board for you. ☺️

I am another who has married into an enmeshed family system. It has been incredibly painful, especially so before I found my way Out of the FOG. My heart is with you as you face another holiday with this reality.

I can relate closely to staying busy in the kitchen and stepping outside to get through it like you describe. And to the experiences Gwendolyn has had as well. Very similar invalidating behaviors at times when this family believes they are center stage and on display. So, events like weddings and funerals are high drama and when the really ugly shows up.  It is a no win situation and I refuse to engage as if there is something of value or merit there with these people for me.

They only claim me when they want something from me or for me to perform in certain ways they value and that they gain some reflected glory from. Not to be self aggrandizing, there is just something I have an ability to do they cannot. So, that is an ability to be used and claimed. Not me as person, just this ability.

I am my H's wife, my children's mother, my grandchildren's grandma. That is my chosen and cherished role and that is my why for engaging at all. I am a cool, calm, polite cocktail party guest around these folks when I do have to be in contact. 

Like Gwendolyn, I plan holiday gatherings with my FOC and friends that are family and I put my energy into those times and am about the rest at this point. Acceptance and focusing contentment and gratitude on the truly good life we have built in spite of the spite of a thwarted enmeshed family is how I roll these days.

This is a tough time of year for so many of us, despite the healing and recovery we have worked so hard to achieve. I hope you will let us know how you are handling the coming gatherings.

[Pepin]

You want an example?
Hubby's mom passes last year and his sister and brother had a seating plan at the funeral where I would be separated from them and their spouses and my hubby.

I stopped breathing for a few seconds when I read this because I went through similar.  There wasn't specifically assigned seating but when I showed up with our adult children, no seats had been held for us so we ended up sitting a number of rows back with non family.  And that was ok actually because I didn't want to have to sit any closer to DH's family or the casket where his mother was.  In fact, I did not go up and view her a final time and neither did our children.  At the cemetery it was similar....we held back because it was quietly conveyed that we should not be up front.  Meh. 

However, looking back at other various events likes marriages....yeah, for the few that I attended...I got the sense that I was not equal to DH as his partner and then wife.  I was being kept on the periphery....I'll never forget that at DH's brother's wedding, there were pictures taken and the only one with me in it was a center piece on the table blocking my face.  It was clearly intentional from the angle of the photo. 

Other family gathering were always awkward....part of that was a language barrier - that they initiated, not me. 

CN MIL passed this year and the holidays are now void of her.  As a result, we also are on the out with some other family members so we likely won't ever see them again.  I didn't even send them Xmas cards this year because of what they did.

I loathed the holidays for the past couple of decades.  This year without the enmeshment....I'm a little scared actually because this is new territory.  I'm trying to be as neutral as possible and like CN MIL never existed.  Like Bloomie, I focus on being a wife, mother and friend.  No one can ask me of more than that at this point.  Living a life alongside DH has been painful...I learned to do my own thing instead and let him be with his mother.  The less she had on me, the better.   

[Gwendolyn]

Pepin, Bloomie & neverenoughmary

Thank you friends for sharing your experiences and sort of reassuring me that these enmeshed families exist and can turn on those who "marry into" THEIR families.

What you said Pepin:

Acceptance and focusing contentment and gratitude on the truly good life we have built in spite of the spite of a thwarted enmeshed family is how I roll these days.


Is amazing.

They are spiteful because we thwarted their enmeshed designs on us: to get us in line and show us 'our place' in their structure.

Hopefully you all feel a bit more validated and reassured that your observations are true and sadly, not unique.

Please check in after Christmas and I'm sending my personal encouragement to each of you to dress your best, exude quiet calm, eat a healthy as possible and be proud of your progress Out of the FOG. 
They don't really like us

We don't need to care so much.
Much respect to all of you for making the effort to break these patterns for yourselves and also for our spouses to see there is another way to live.  Remember they picked us knowing how judg-y their families were and are.

There's a meditation for another day:)

[goldtracedcloud]

neverenoughmary, thank you for posting and starting this thread.  I am dealing with enmeshed in-laws and have experienced similar things to others (like exclusion/shunning at a bil's wedding).  I am lucky that my husband is somewhat aware.  This will be my first holiday dipping out of the gatherings with them and I am nervous about how much further I'll be scapegoated in response, but I know I feel so much happier and healthier when I'm not around them.  Watched Jerry Wise video that Gwendolyn recommended...just what I needed before this holiday.