New to the forum: not new to the experience

[Lnalac]

I'm almost 50 and have been exploring the idea that personality disorders run in my family.

My mother died recently and she was a narcissist who demonstrated abusive and manipulative behaviour throughout my life.

My family has acted strange in her death and have been allowing for triangulation to happen between my brother and I.

My aunt kept telling me, "everyone thinks you're angry; even your mother's boyfriend thinks you're angry."

What had happened is my brother wanted me to visit my mom while she was in hospital on life support.  I said I was angry at her and didn't want to go.

What I was actually  fearing was I'd have a panic attack from stress. The thought of seeing my mother in such a state along with my abusive  brother would be triggering.

My brother then told my aunt he thought I was too angry to be allowed at her cremation and said that I might behave inappropriately.  Him and my aunt agreed I wasn't allowed to go, and my brother completely stonewalled me on any information.

My brother has a long track record of inappropriate and domestically violent behaviour towards myself and other women.  I said it sounds like he's projecting to my aunt.

I stated my feelings and hurt to my family and said that it wasn't fair he got to decide whether or not I could attend, considering he has been deeply inappropriate towards me on a few occasions (physical violence, financial abuse, showing sociopathic tendencies).

They said the past didn't matter in my brother's case; yet somehow my past does.  They accused me of causing drama after admitting to encouraging that I be barred from attending my mom's cremation.

It turned out my mom's partner had invited me; my aunt admitted I was invited and then accused me of lying when I brought it up again.

I asked them to respect my feelings, and understand that they are more complex than they frame them as; they viewed that as an argument.

I've given up at this point and just think the behaviour is unacceptable on their part.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

It is time to read a lot about Boundaries, the 51% Rule, and tactics for de-escalation. I wish you best luck in getting out of the past, and these circular arguments, and into a world with more love and respect for you.