I feel used and destroyed by a possible Narc/Borderline and I am struggling hard

[luckybreak]

About two months ago I met a 44-year-old woman with a 14-year-old son through an app . I am 37.

We got involved and fell in love very quickly. I was soon always at her house, after a couple of weeks met her son, who she said really liked me, the favorite she had already introduced me to, etc. She introduced me to her parents by buying expensive tickets for a play. She called her room "our" room. She was the first to say I love you. Sometimes she jokingly called me her husboyfriend or something like that (even days before the cutoff). She soon introduced me to her son, after saying she only introduced people she was serious with. It'd gotten to a point where he was soon comfortable enough hanging out with us. Then there's the gifts, the compliments, the constant reassurance of how special all of this was. However, things started changing one month in. She didn't quite have the time or the energy to act interested in things revolving around my life. It was soon all about hers.

She very soon proposed the idea that we worked and made some money together (she's an art director). One day she sends a message saying she really misses me, and that there's something I could help her with. As soon as I get there she barely greets me and asks me to walk the dog. When I return, she's working on her bed and I counted 48 minutes before she looked up from the screen to even look at me. That was to tell me that the job fell through and I wouldn't do it. I expressed frustration at the whole situation by asking "so I'm not even doing the job anymore?". To which she freaks out, says she's doing her best and that since I'd be working as her assistant I couldn't talk to her like that. I promptly said I wouldn't continue the argument, and she just continued losing it while I looked. She then continued working. This was about one month in. Things like this soon started happening again with less intensity.

Then, in a fit of excitement, she invited me for a one-week trip to Buenos Aires. The trip happened and, apart from the day we had a fight, everything was wonderful. The fight itself was on very flimsy pretenses, and everything seemed fine the day after.

We had a challenge on the return trip. Hours after landing in Brazil her son would undergo a delicate recovery surgery and she would have an important and heavy freelance job. So we knew it would be a few days without talking much to each other. Last Friday I realized that she was very distant and that's fine, lots going on with her. On Saturday I had my head full of other things and went for a walk, I didn't hang around WhatsApp. She confronted me for taking so long to answer and for not telling her that I had gone out. I thought it was strange, because she is the kind of person who answers when she wants to and who absolutely hates being confronted about the things she does. The relationship was getting to a point where anything that was asked of her might be seen as a slight or demand.I answered that I realized she needed some space and I was giving it to her. And then the game turned around, she felt like I was demanding things from her and ended the conversation asking that if I loved her, I wouldn't look for her the next day so she could get ready for her freelance job. She said "if you love me, don't look for me" three times in the same flurry of messages.

We didn't speak until Tuesday, when she contacted me saying that the dust had settled and if we could talk. She started the conversation by video smiling and lovingly showing that she was wearing my t-shirt. It was a peaceful conversation but it ended with her saying that she was confused about still liking me. That we would talk later.

This later turned into twenty-four hours. I contacted her saying that I didn't want to invade her space but that it was difficult to wait. She sent me a 12 minute audio saying that she was not ready for a relationship, but that she wanted to see me when the dust settled and that who knows, we could even go out once in a while. I replied that I liked her and things depended on her decision. To which she replied that for her the feeling had changed, but not the admiration, etc. etc., that she wanted to take care of herself and her son, but that when things calmed down we would go out and talk. She ended the message with the emojis that we used to use. I didn't answer anymore. It's been nearly a week. I've spent the last few days on Xanax, my head is spinning trying to understand how a person who dragged me into her life can change her feelings so quickly. It's all too hard to bear. Days before breaking up with me she was telling me what a great partner I was, that she was glad we would be able to arrive in Brazil together (because of the surgery), that we could look into going back together to Buenos Aires next year... Since our very first date she would tell me that she was determined to meet me and have something with me, like I was that special. It's the detail of her lovingly showing me the she was wearing my shirt on camera in the same conversation in which she said she was not sure that is breaking. I'm really really struggling. I overlooked the story she told me about a friend of hers who was really close, who she'd introduced to her main group of friends but who was starting to annoy her for calling everyday, wanting to know details of her life. She said the friend was probably in love with her and jealous of us and she very quickly proceeded to cut her off. This irked me but since I never got to meet this friend, I couldn't pass judgment. It turns out I was just next in line.

[JustKeepTrying]

Welcome to our community.  I am sorry you had the need to find us and glad that you did.

You experienced love bombing - that quick and intense beginning.  It sucks you in and changes the chemistry in your brain.  Begins an almost addiction so that when they move along in the cycle - you crave another hit.  The toolbox is incredibly helpful in providing you the tools to deal with it all.  If you can, go NC and talk to a therapist. 

I also journal daily and that daily dump of emotions helps to see everything clearly.  But a therapist is important so you can really process the feelings and move forward.

[luckybreak]

That is exactly how I feel. Like craving another hit. My gut instinct was telling me something was off right from the start. Today is a particularly difficult day to not get in contact. So many contradictory moments, so many things done or said that now seem just a ploy to hook me in.

I resumed therapy yesterday. The pressure was becoming so great that I couldn't bear it without help. My therapist seems to validate the experience. Even said that probably my ex doesn't discard her son because she can't. So there's the relief that I'm not going crazy, that this is as bewildering and painful as I feel it is. It makes me both dread and crave for her contact. I feel robbed of everything positive.

[JustKeepTrying]

A member on here, hhaw, explains it better if you can find any of her posts.  But it is a trauma bond - YouTube Dr Ramani videos for better explanations.

It will take some time for you to adjust because it is a chemical addiction - and your nervous system needs to adjust.

Plus the mental just screws with you.  And your own mind is justifying and excusing this behavior - like you are gaslighting yourself.  All normal and understandable.  It really messes you

Here is some hope - I lived with it for decades.  I am NC right now with my ex and while I struggle with the damage left behind - doing so much better though! - the longer I was NC the better I felt.  You are in a rocky place now but with therapy and time, you can heal.

[luckybreak]

I've started looking at the tool box and will certainly look at Dr. Ramani's videos. I am going to stop trying to make sense of she did and said over the past few days because the more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

I am No Contact as of right now. Her last messages were something to the effect of "I don't feel the same way about you anymore but still admire you, we'll go out and talk as soon as the dust settles". I just left it at that, there's nothing else to say. I feel as if she expected me to crawl and beg. Sometimes I feel like it, to be honest. I have some cherished belongings over at her place and am dreading the moment I ask them back because it is going to hurt no matter what her reaction is.

lucky,

So are you No Contact with her now? If so, consider yourself lucky. To get out that fast is really miraculous. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it will. Resist the urge to respond if she reaches out to you again, no matter how amazing her messages are.

[LemonLime]

Welcome, luckybreak,
You're in the right place.  So much wisdom and support here.

I love Dr. Ramani.  And also the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist".   Pure gold.
Also I'm reading "Codependency for Dummies" by Darlene Lancer.   So so helpful.

Good work so far!  Keep going.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome.  I like your name.  I think you did get a lucky break getting a chance to stop the craziness after 2 months instead of 2 years or 2 decades.

I like everything JKT, user and LemonLime said.  I'd just say, in my experience, whatever the PD expresses from "You're the love of my life - I've never felt this way before and I can't live without you!!!!"  to  "I hate your guts. You're the worst person I ever met and I will never speak to you again as long as I live!!!" whatever they seduce you or blast you with, it's just today's weather.  Maybe it'll hold through the next few weeks.  Maybe it will change in an hour.

If you haven't read about hoovering, I'd suggest you do.  Once you have been "supply" for a PD, even though you're no longer together, you are probably being held in reserve to be called up in a pinch.  I don't think it always happens, but it is very common weeks, months, years later to have them come back and tell you very convincingly what a mistake they made.  Now they know and they will *never* make that mistake again.  You were the one all along and now they see the light and will do anything to be with you again now and forever.   Only to be followed in time by the devaluing and discard and maybe another hoovering.  Who knows how many times the cycle can go around?

Once you learn more about this, you will see this had so much less to do with you, and any real intimacy between you, than you ever imagined.  Knowing that can start mitigating the intoxication of any future love bombing.  In my case that took more than a few go rounds to really get.  But I've been NC for 3 years now, so I'm here to say there's hope.

[luckybreak]

She came back. And I couldn't bring myself to resist. My friends and my therapist want to kill me with good reason.

Intuition is such a powerful thing. I KNEW she would get in contact yesterday. Maybe because it's when she has therapy. But I just knew it. I have her silenced so that I don't get any notifications. Today I opened the main window of the messaging app and there it was, her message. Asking me how I was, how my mother was. Sending me news about her son's surgery because she knew I cared. That it was his birthday on Monday and that was the best gift they could've gotten. That she expected things to go back to normalcy in about one month. I knew I shouldn't respond. I knew all the reasons why. I knew that very message was final confirmation that I was indeed dealing with a narcissist. And still I couldn't bring myself to not answer. I gave her exactly what she wanted. Though I tried to keep it short. Answered that no, I was not well. But that I was happy for his recovery and that I wished him a belated happy birthday. Nothing more. Probably more than enough to just HAND HER THE KEYS again.

Yesterday was one of the roughest days yet. It was the day all of this manifested itself exactly as it is, an addiction. Cold sweat and nausea all day long. My subconsciousness trying to convince me that a) maybe she's not a narc after all, maybe she's just really confused or b) I hope she's actually a narc so that I can get at least a few more fixes, no matter how small the crumbs were. I was somehow CERTAIN that there was a message waiting for me there. Exactly how I was certain she would leave as soon she got bored when I looked at her even in our happiest moments. I MUST learn to trust my gut instinct. I HAVE TO cut it out now. I thought I was out and I thought I just had to ride it out. Seems like it's not going to be that simple. I gave her what she wanted and I gave my basest desires what they wanted. I don't feel nausea right now, no cold sweat running down my neck. I got what I wanted too, even if it was just a cynical message pretending nothing bad had happened. I am thankful for this forum, for my friends and for my mother who haven't shyed away from telling me this was a mistake.

[JustKeepTrying]

Congratulations on a brief text.  Look at the positive - you did go back and use it as a means of asking her questions and opening dialogue.  Yes, you could have not done anything but instead of looking at the woulda's focus on what you did do and the progress that represents!  Go you!

If you aren't seeing her anymore, block her.  No need to open yourself up to anymore pain.  I had trouble blocking people at first but now, no problem. 

Consider using this holiday season to get busy.  Fill your life with other things - do a trivia night; christmas lighting; drink at the local bar; lunch with an old friend; pick up a class or begin a walking regime.  Anything really but fill your life so you don't think about her.  And as you do those things, your self confidence will increase and slowly you will begin to heal.   

[moglow]

Lets rephrase this for your sake: she didn't "come back." For her, you're still the friend she reaches out to when she reaches out. Will she again? Maybe. Might be next week or six months from now. She said what she said. The dust hasn't settled and she doesn't feel like she claimed at the beginning. Please don't read anything into her contact or lack of same or believe something has magically changed. Remember how suddenly things went from wonderful to nothing in her mind.

[luckybreak]

Absolutely. By "came back" I just meant ''reappeared". I didn't quite feel anything with her text other than a huge urge to respond. I was a bit angry with the implications in saying that she expected things to "go back to normal in about a month". I'm angry at myself right now for wondering whether or not she's an NPD after all. I'm dreading opening my phone to see if there's a reply. I'm trying to hold on to the fact that NPD or no NPD, I was thrown away like a broken toy when I was led to believe I was safe in a loving relationship. And that I deserve way better than crumbs.

Lets rephrase this for your sake: she didn't "come back." For her, you're still the friend she reaches out to when she reaches out. Will she again? Maybe. Might be next week or six months from now. She said what she said. The dust hasn't settled and she doesn't feel like she claimed at the beginning. Please don't read anything into her contact or lack of same or believe something has magically changed. Remember how suddenly things went from wonderful to nothing in her mind.

[moglow]

When she says "go back to normal," she may not have been talking about between the two of you. She may have been talking about her life and whatever is in upheaval with her right now. Dangling that hope of "going back" may sound like a good idea and she probably means it when she says it. I'm just thinking if it all came together and crashed this hard this fast, that sets a precedent you'd be wise to consider going forward.
She may be NPD. or BPD. Or bipolar. Or some fascinating alphabet mix yet to be determined. All that matters in day to day life is overall behavior and how we  respond to life around us. All of us will be impulsive or angry or frustrated or whatever during normal life. Only time and consistency can tell the tale of what's really going on. In this short a time, there's no way to know what else is going on in her life that you've not seen at all, and even you've said there were several things that seemed odd or inconsistent.

Look to yourself and what's best for you. All the promises and excitement in the world don't help when we feel thrown away just a few weeks later. The main thing is to not beat yourself up - I'm sure you've already done more than enough of that.

[luckybreak]

Today was the day I beat myself, but I will try and look at the bright side. Things went as expected.

I got her text yesterday at around 16:30. More details about her kid's surgery than I ever got in the days after we arrived. A nice, welcoming tone. Asking how me and my mom were doing. No mention of the horrible breakup though. Like nothing had happened and like we had agreed to be friends (something to which I never agreed to as I stopped contact as soon as she broke up for good).

I saw the message today at 8 A.M. Impulsively answered. She goes online the EXACT MOMENT I replied. And then the withdrawal symptoms dissipated like magic. And I soon started rationalizing that maybe, just maybe, she was really trying to mend things. I put off looking at her possible reply as much as I could. I didn't give her any openings to continue the conversation. Her reply had come 20 minutes after. After which she just said "I'll pass your best wishes along to him (the son)", thank you." And then the sudden realization that what is happening is indeed happening. And the anger that I felt at myself for hoping against hope that no, this was going to be something else. But that had probably been enough for her. She already knew I am not doing well. Had already doled out my fix, didn't need to show any further interest. And then I broke down and cried, and I rarely ever do, I didn't when my father passed away last year. The cold realization that she is very likely enjoying this at some level. It's so shocking. My mind can't grasp what went down last week, not on an instinctual, gut level. I feel mentally and emotionally shot. The happiest I'd been in almost 10 years was abuse and every memory associated with that really is toxic. It's too much.

[luckybreak]

I want to crawl over to her and beg. I'm crying all the time. I'm sorry for flooding this thread. I'm losing it...

[moglow]

Beg - for what? To be ignored? Yelled at for disturbing her after she told you she has things going on and she doesn't feel the same way? Sucked into whatever part of her life she allows only to be even more harshly dropped in a day or two? Think that all the way through and just say no.

Consider this - start journaling, whether writing or on computer. Write and write about this relationship, the good and the bad. How you met, how you felt in situations, the laughter and the frustrations or disappointments. Do stream of consciousness whatever comes up for as long as you want. Put that aside and go do something else, even if it's laundry or cleaning the house. Go back and read some of it later, see what else comes up. Pay attention to when those red flags popped up and the situations around them. Remember at that point in time you really didn't know each other well, it's the honeymoon period so to speak. People are on their best behavior when they've just met and begin dating. You're getting to know each other, that doesn't happen in an instant.

What were you doing before she entered your life? Go back to that, or start something new, take some classes in a subject that interests you, learn new skills. For you to have become this involved in such a short period of time, my guess is something was lacking and she was a life preserver of sorts. We're all human, it happens sometimes. But we need balance - your life shouldn't stop because you've met someone new. You continue on and possibly include them as they include you. Then there are times you don't and you look forward to being together later. If you're going to have anything worth keeping, it takes time. And you said you "were always at her house." Maybe it was too much too soon?

Just slow down and look outside this person, is what I'm saying. Find other places to be and other things to do.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

[luckybreak]

So, an update and hopefully the final one:

I've been talking to friends and going to therapy and slowly working things out. And I came to the realization that two things were weighing very, very heavily on me. The first was not even expressing any sort of dissatisfaction or questioning since the break-up (all I ever said was I still wanted her, and wished her son a fast recovery the next week). The second was that since this whole story has been a lesson in not ignoring my gut feelings ever again, my gut feeling was telling me I would immensily regret it if I never said anything. So I ran it by my therapist and she said it should be ok as long as I was very careful about the "characters she plays", in my therapist's own words.

So I approach her to ask her if she can send me my books back by Uber as I'm really attached to her and that I still have her Elliott Smith t-shirt if she wanted me to send it back. "I'll send them to you, you can give me t-shirt back later". The manipulation begins. Asks me how I am, justs wants to know if I am taking care of myself (why?? I was not in a bad place during the relationship. So she knows how fucked up this was). And so I tell her that I needed to get some things off of my chest for my own good, that there'd be no demands or name-calling. And proceed to tell her in a short paragraph how shocked I was by her irrecognizable behaviour since the breakup and how it went against everything she told me and did for me during the relationship. As matter-of-factly as I could, no overemoting, no pleading and trying as much as possible to not point the finger. I'm working under the assumption that this a person capable of empathy. Half of me is doing this earnestly, half of me wants to confirm her reactions.

One hour later, a short reply: "Talking to you also makes me feel bad". Something I never wrote or even implied in that paragraph. Just outright trying to hurt me. But the conversation was silenced, I was not expecting an answer, so I didn't check for hours. Then, 6 hours later she changes gears completely, and writes that she cherished all of the memories in our relationship and that it was unfortunate that I had such negative feelings for it and for her. Proceeds to quote a line from the breakup messages saying that I only see what I want to see, and that I never replied to those, so she decided to respect me and give me the time to recover and that's why she walked away for good. I can only read that as "well, you didn't chase me and played my game, if you had maybe you'd have gotten what you wanted". I just say that I have no hard feelings for her, and that the memories are sweet but right now they hurt. That when I said I loved her I meant it and that doesn't change in two-weeks time. Don't know if she caught the innuendo, but she just reacts with a heart. Got exactly what she wanted. But I pressed on.

Wrote a long, long reply stating all of the things she said and did during the relationship that implied the desire for a meaningful and deep relationship and all the things she did during that breakup that were confusing and hurtful and contradictory. Still as emotionally neutral as I could. She just starts of by admitting that yes, all of those things happened. That yes, she did fall in love with me but that is not enough. But that I forgot that she was super empathetic with me (??) during the days of her son's surgery and that I wasn't, and saying how she simply couldn't get past that night in Buenos Aires when we fought. Never goes into any detail though. And I then, days after this conversation, I realize she is gaslighting me about that night. That she used the fact that I came back drunkish to make me believe I said things I didn't say and did things I didn't do. It dawns on me that I actually remember that night pretty well. I remember us making up and taking a walk and me declaring myself to her in bed. I remember that I don't make a mess when I drink, ever. And that it's just so convenient for her to bring it up only during the breakup. But part of me is hooked back in the manipulation.

I say that I am ashamed for whatever might have upset her so much. That I wished she had brought it up the following day so we could work it out like we had agreed to do right at the beggining of the relationship. But that I still thought what we had was not something you find everyday, everywhere. That maybe we should allow some time to pass and heal things between us, but that we had started building something good and worthwhile. And then she overplayed her hand.

She starts of by saying I misunderstood her when she said to "trust her", that she only meant she wasn't going to work during the trip. That she was an independent woman who had already been married and had a kid and didn't intend to do it again. That she wanted a boyfriend to go out with her to art exhibtions and concerts and have fun, something light. And then mentions her friend who she coldly discarded the week she met me, like she hadn't been a daily part of my ex's life for two years. All very Mask Off of her. And that was enough for me. I say that yes, I do remember the friend, it was the friend she discarded in the trash bin as soon she met me. That if she wanted a boyfriend to go out and have fun with her (which we did 90% of our time together) she shouldn't have involved me in the deepest intimacy of her daily life from day one. That she seems to enjoy manipulating and using people. That she is a teenager in an adult woman's body. And then she goes ballistic and starts projecting everything she's been to me since the breakup. A bad person. Vengeful. Immature. Cruel. That my love was fake. Selfish. Asks me for my address so she could send my stuff back. I tell her I don't want it anymore, I don't want anything that reminds me of her around. She says she's just going to throw it in the garbage bin then, and say that's okay. That's what you do with people anyway, and your manipulation is not going to work anymore. That if she thinks I'm cruel she should take a good look at the mirror just outside her bedroom. And end the conversation, mute it and archive it. Twenty minutes later I see a missed call from her. This is the first and only time she ever tried to talk to me in real time since the breakup. Of course, I don't pick it up. Then, the intercom rings and it's my things which she didn't have the courage to throw out. I remove the books I already had and throw out everything I bought in my time with her. Not my worn t-shirt though, that one she still kept, still playing mind games. I know that there are 14 unread messages from that day, and I dread to look at them. While all this is playing out I don't feel anger or sadness. I just feel clarity and release. That was what my gut feeling was telling me. I had to know for sure and now I do. I still have nightmares, I still wake up in a cold sweat and heart racing in the morning. But the feeling is no longer one of wanting her back. It's a feeling of dread, of being scared of a person who I let in so close to me.

None of this is happy closure, but  it's closure nonetheless.

Thank you all for all of the help and guidance!

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Luckybreak, you are a good kind person. Hope you can spread some kindness on yourself. We focus more on them and less on ourselves. We worry about others and not ourselves. We put them first before ourselves. I am trying to nudge myself up a bit and others down a bit in the importance ladder. My friend told me the best way to help others is to help myself and the stronger I am the more I can help others.
I get anxious in relationships when my head and my heart are going in two different directions, and with that there are always nightmares. The nightmares end when my heart and my head are going in the same direction. I have always found my head (intuition) to be right every time and far too many times this has proven true. If you have seen the cartoon where a man steps on a rake and it slaps him on his head then he turns and steps on another rake and another, that's me in relationships.
Happy Holidays.

[luckybreak]

It's been a little over a week now since our last interaction and dealing with it in therapy has brought up a lot of unpleasant but probably necessary feelings. Whenever I think of her or the relationship itself there is an intense feeling of sourness. I have the feeling that if I ran into her I'd cross the street. I started realizing the crazy levels of gaslighting and manipulation that happened post-breakup and it's not being easy at all to deal with that. At the same time, I still miss her immensely, in a very gut-feeling kinda way? I mean, rationally I know how destructive she's been but there are many moments where I just want her back, no matter what. To the point where I sometimes feel guilty for burning the bridges myself and throwing into her face how manipulative she had been (never brought up the straight-up Narcisist accusation though.) And I'm ashamed to say that I feel guilty because it makes the chance of a hoover nearly non-existant. So many conflicting feelings. It's been a month since we got back from that trip, less than a month since the breakup and it feels like years have passed.