I cannot believe how stupid I have been,,,

[IAMHEALING@55]

Morning,
55 yr old divorced father of 3 here.  Ex ED c/nurse, currently running own tree surgery business.
Son of a likely PD mum with fairly extreme anger and attachment issues, and so you'd think I would have spotted what was going on sooner,,,,,

I met X in June this year at a BBQ held by a mutual friend at his place.  She wasn't supposed to be there but had had a weird experience with a boyfriend who had locked her into a room which had necessitated our mutual friend rescuing her,,,
When I first saw her, I instantly thought "trouble".  Yes, trouble: not OMG she is gorgeous but trouble,,,

We went for a walk with the dogs and got chatting.  She was interesting, in fact fascinating.  Ran about 5 businesses and was operating at Chairman level on a number of boards.  2 young kids both with autism and the younger with ADHD as well.  Long separated from the dad and never married.  The BBQ was the next day so we all 3 went out into town, watched Top Gun which irritated the life out of me and had a meal.  At the BBQ itself, she vanished, saying she was unwell and spent the whole afternoon in bed.  My dog went up there to comfort her but I thought it inappropriate, given what had happened, so didn't look in.
Big hug from her when she left but from my perspective, I wasn't that interested because she lived in Troon, near Glasgow and I didn't want a long-distance relationship.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I am chatting to the mutual friend, her name comes up and without any conscious thought I text him and say would you object if I and X got together romantically (they had gone out 17 years before for about a year): "No" he says and gives me her mobile number,,,,

And so we get texting, and before too long, she is inviting me to visit her in Troon. 
So I book a red-eye flight from Gatwick and plan to stay there for 4 days.
But I instinctively know somehow, this trip is going to be life-changing and I manage to miss the flight!!
I rebook a later flight and finally get up there late afternoon, her kids are in the back seat and both are beamingly happy to see me: and as soon as I arrive in the house, I have this overwhelming feeling that I have
somehow arrived home.  Her kids, the house: I just can't explain it even now but the feeling was overwhelmingly powerful.
Because her kids are in the house, I get her bed and she sleeps in their room.  Again because of the children, the first 2 days are spent doing DIY and only chatting alone in the evenings.  At the end of both days, we hug but on the 2nd day, I ask her for a kiss but am rebuffed.
Then on the Sat, the kid's dad unexpectedly takes the kids away after I had taken the lad fishing and things rapidly progress.
I think I knew I was out of control on that Sat afternoon and I remember crying in her car when talking about my divorce,,,

Going to stop here, this is painful

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

I confess to being clueless about what exactly is upsetting you, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you are upset and I hope you manage to resolve things.

[goldtracedcloud]

Title of your post makes me think of a Sarah McLachlan song called Stupid...relatable for a lot of us.  If you have time to look up a Dr. Ingrid Clayton on YouTube, she has a great video called "Trauma Reenactment" that describes how growing up with a PD parent can impact your relationships later in life.  I know "trauma" can seem like a strong word for many, but what PD people put us through often amounts to a similar amount of stress on our bodies and brains.  Websites & forums like this are great too, as you will see if you read around, you're far from alone in your experiences. 

Best of luck to you!

[Starboard Song]

Hey there.

When I first arrived here at Out of the FOG in 2016, I had a fairly negative username. People couldn't tell, because it was obscure, but I knew. It wasn't long here before I realized that I had to leave that darkness behind me, so I adopted my current moniker: still obscure, but now positive and happy.

I hope very soon here you will decide that you are like all of us: not stupid or failed, just under extraordinary pressure of an uncommon, poorly understood sort. I hope then you'll change that username to Learning How, or Growing Tall, or some other aspirational name.

This community gets it. You are not alone. You are not to blame. So stand tall without shame.

[IAMHEALING@55]

Thank you, all.
I realise I have not made a lot of sense.
It has been 4 weeks since I walked away and I am still not sleeping or working properly.

I will try and write more detail in a bit.
And, yes, I will change my username: you are quite right!!!

[Starboard Song]

We look forward to seeing you on the boards.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Good for you. It may feel like a small step but getting into the right mindset is so important.