I am lost for words

[escapingman]

For the first time in a long time I am actually speechless, I am completely lost for words and I can't wrap my head around this.

Anyone following my story knows STBX moved out half a year ago and now resides with MIL together with GC. It was recently my birthday and I never received a birthday card as I normally would from my mother. Only for DD to give it to me today, as she had been given it by GC as my mother had sent it to MIL's address. I have lived in this house on this address for mote than 10 years and she has always sent me a card, to this address. There is no way she could have done it by mistake, that's just not possible. What stunt is she trying? This has freaked me out. I have suspected her for being a covert narc for some time and this is certainly not making those suspicions go away.

[moglow]

I wouldn't be freaked out necessarily, but wth?? Why would she even have your MIL mailing address, much less send YOUR birthday card to that address? The stbx may be in contact with her, do you think? I wonder if she's been led to believe you are all living with MIL OR if she genuinely got addresses mixed up [if she knows GC is living there with her mother].

I'd contact mother and thank her for the card, tell her you just now received it. Let her explain.

[escapingman]

There is a slim chance she could have mixed it up, but unlikely. She would have had the address as she normally send  Christmas card to MIL. Whatever the reason it just put me on hight alert as I now can't trust what damage mother could suddenly make, intentionally or unintentionally. The letter was of course opened by someone at MIL's house and therefor read, GC stated to DD that she accidentally opened it, unlikely but possible.

[SonofThunder]

Agree with MoGlow that I would not be freaked out about it, but also yes... "wth??"

In my case, that move would be a passive aggressive way for my parent to attempt to put the separated people together, by trying to have them deliver my card to me.  It would make my parent feel special, like they made some immensely clever effort to try and patch up relationships by that move.

Either way HaPpY BiRtHdAy, EM!! 

SoT

[square]

That is super messed up.

My suspicions are going to stbx being in contact with your mother and doing weird stuff with smear campaigns and lies. I'm wondering if stbx specifically told your mother to send the card there.

Happy birthday, EM.

[escapingman]

I busted her, she denied sending the card there and assured me she sent it to me on this address. Not difficult to prove her wrong so took a photo of the letter and sent her, she got really short and offended and offered a half hearted apology. Asked he if she sent something else there and maybe mixed it up, which she immediately denied with just a short "No". I know her to well, I have always thought she was stupid, but she isn't, she is hiding her ugly and dishonest behaviour behind pretending to be stupid. Now at least I know that she either sent it because she is up to something, or else that she sent it my mistake because she sent something to either MIL or GC.

Square: I don't think STBX and mother are in touch, they never got along and they don't even speak the same language. But that mother would keep in touch with MIL, at least sending Christmas cards behind my back I wouldn't doubt a second.

[hhaw]

Happy birthday,EM:

Sorry your mother turned it into an upsetting mystery.  It just boggles the mind how many ways people find to pinch and jab in places we never thought about.

It's good stbx isn't likely in touch with your mom, telling stories and gaining sympathy/cooperation. 

These things can happen.

[Andeza]

Best advice I can give you is have your *facepalm* moment, shake your head at the ridiculousness of her attempt to do whatever... Possibly manipulation but we have no way to determine that explicitly... And carry on with your life knowing there are people in the family, both soon to be ex-in-laws and also your family of origin, that are not wholly safe people. Live life close to the vest with these individuals. Information diet, medium chill, you know the drill, EM.

Happy Birthday! Hope you did something enjoyable.

[escapingman]

Whatever the reason for this is, it really gets me very upset. I am doing all I can to keep no contact and get STBX to forget about me, then mother goes and do this. I am really F****** unimpressed.

[Starboard Song]

I'd encourage you to back up and ask "what might she try to accomplish by mailing a card to an address I am not at?" I cannot come up with any conceivable reason to do it. It doesn't accomplish anything, under any deranged scheme I can think of. And, oddly, it also has zero impact on you. She sent a Christmas card. You received it. All good.

So as weird as this is, it truly to me seems like a 100% non-event. I'd file it under strange-but-true and move on.

[moglow]

The moral of this story is: She only has the power she's given. If you pay it no mind, it doesn't matter. What others do or say has nothing to do with you. Their possible games or Christmas card exchanges? Also their choice. Your no contact with the stbx is between the two of you, others are not responsible for it and they can't make you breach it.

Breathe. None of that is your stuff.

[escapingman]

No I can't just leave this as a non event, this brought up feelings from the past I don't know where they come from. My mother always let me down, in any way she can. I have always put it down to her being stupid and not understanding,  but I think that's her excuse to get away with it.

But whatever the reason, her sending a card to me to the address where my STBX lives is so out of order, neglectful,  good damn rude and just not acceptable.

[moglow]

EM, I'm sure she's trying to send some sort of message there, but that's still nothing you can control. You can't stop her and if she's anything like mine, giving her information and that it upsets you is handing her ammunition for another round. Sounds like you can't trust or count on her, like many of us here. You have to work around that in whatever way is best for you. Taking on HER dysfunction as something you have to fight is a non-starter. Your time and energy is best spent elsewhere, is my thought.

[SonofThunder]

EM, I'm sure she's trying to send some sort of message there, but that's still nothing you can control. You can't stop her and if she's anything like mine, giving her information and that it upsets you is handing her ammunition for another round. Sounds like you can't trust or count on her, like many of us here. You have to work around that in whatever way is best for you. Taking on HER dysfunction as something you have to fight is a non-starter. Your time and energy is best spent elsewhere, is my thought.

+1. 

SoT

[square]

My take is that I think it's worthwhile to feel upset about this - as a step in your journey.

You have only recently become aware of the dynamic you grew up with. I think it's okay to be mad, to face the fact that it wasn't right. Eventually I hope you will get to a different level, where you can say "to hell with her," but you have to face it first, and facing it involves rightful anger.

I don't know why your mother did it, and it may have been some honest mistake. But you've been let down enough that this just feels like more of the same, so it almost doesn't even matter whether this was an honest mistake or not.

Plus:

- I don't know if it's weird if she even has that address handy or not. It might be weird.

- The fact that she denied it to you is just super weird. Like, you have the envelope. You can read. It was somehow delivered to your MIL and you received it through your daughters. But somehow you were mistaken?? Really?

- And she had to get all icy about it?? Really?

- And this does genuinely rattle your healing. It was opened, your privacy was broken. You might wonder what nasty things your ex and your MIL said about what was or wasn't written in there. It just kind of bumps into this wound you're trying to heal up, and even if it was a tiny bump, you didn't need this from your mother of all people.

If she had just said, sincerely, whoops! Oh my goodness, I had that address written  right under yours and I must have lost track of the line I was on! Actually, I will be sure to scratch out that address since I won't need it anymore, right? - and say that after a lifetime of caring about your feelings, well, a non issue for sure!

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your replies.

I know I can't do anything about it, but this brought up wounds of how hurtful my mother is when she is doing things that is clearly not in the best interest of me. She has blatantly lied to me so many times in the past and played the "I am stupid" card to get away with it. When I had a fall out with my dad (about his uNPD spouse) and I told my mother (who I was visiting at the time) to not let my dad see the girls that day as I was so upset with him. She told me straight to my face that of course she would not let him see the girls, just for me finding out that he came along to the playground with her and the girls just an hour after I had told her.

This also put STBX and MIL back on my mind and I have been having dreams about them and their disordered behaviours. In one way I suppose the dreams where quite healthy as STBX tried to hover me but I was playing games with her to set her up, a bit like my brain wanted revenge in a safe place.

[moglow]

Well it reaffirmed that your mother [like mine] is not a safe person. You can't trust her to do the right thing or just be honest and that's never a bad thing to know. THAT water may not ever be safe for you to step back into, no matter how calm it appears on the surface. Duly noted and thank you for the reminder, ya know?


If anything were to be said about this, you just remind yourself you don't control other people. They're all grown and make their own choices in life and have to live with the consequences just like the rest of us.

I hope you'll continue your own work on detachment, where other people's stuff doesn't become yours. Sometimes they do things just to get a rise out of others and we have to remind ourselves that every action doesn't require a reaction. That doesn't mean we can't learn to unplug those particular reactions. It take time and consistent effort, but I know you can do it.

[Preamble]

escapingman I think you are right.  I think you are going to want to reassess your mother.  She sounds like how mine was. I am sorry you have to go through this

Thanks for all your replies.

I know I can't do anything about it, but this brought up wounds of how hurtful my mother is when she is doing things that is clearly not in the best interest of me. She has blatantly lied to me so many times in the past and played the "I am stupid" card to get away with it. When I had a fall out with my dad (about his uNPD spouse) and I told my mother (who I was visiting at the time) to not let my dad see the girls that day as I was so upset with him. She told me straight to my face that of course she would not let him see the girls, just for me finding out that he came along to the playground with her and the girls just an hour after I had told her.

This also put STBX and MIL back on my mind and I have been having dreams about them and their disordered behaviours. In one way I suppose the dreams where quite healthy as STBX tried to hover me but I was playing games with her to set her up, a bit like my brain wanted revenge in a safe place.

[escapingman]

I don't think I need to re asses her, I have known I can't trust her for many years, but I have to act on this and not let her inside my head every time she pulls a stunt. She did it again just now, I received a letter including 2 X-mas cards, one for me and one for GC. No card for DD and she is the one living with me, GC is living with her mother and my mother knows this. I am not even going to bother second guessing if she sent a card for DD but to where GC is or if she didn't send one at all. There are only 3 possible explanations for her behaviour lately, she has either gone senile, her husband (I have tons of red flags there) is interfering or the most likely one she is trying to mess with us. Whatever it is, it is so insensitive and would I not be Out of the FOG with both her and STBX this could have really set me off in a bad way. This Christmas I am not going to give FOO a second thought, none of them have ever come to see us for Christmas, EVER, they are all to busy doing their own tradition and routines that they could possible change for one year. I get it. I have tried to please my FOO for way to many years, I am not wasting any more time and energy on that.

[hhaw]

Thank God your FOO isn't planning to visit you, EM.

Good for you limiting the upset your mother likely intended with the cards.  Maybe dementia makes disordered behaviors worse, but you understand not to assume it react for your mental health sake.  That's important piece.

Self care....let the crazy stay where it lands.  Don't pick it up or take it with you.  Let it be.