Dr. Ramani videos

InTheDragonsDen · December 15, 2022, 09:46:29 PM

The Dr. Ramani videos on youtube are pure gold. The vid that meant the most to me was "The simple reason a relationship with a Narcissist won't work".
Have not reached a decision as to my future but I am developing my "Plan B" and ensuring that I have the resources if I do take a different path.

My bad, I ignored the red flags and sunk deeper and deeper and deeper into the relationship.
My partner the last two days is dis-regulated to the max. I am feeling better, happier and enjoying life more. She has thrown a ton of verbal and physical abuse. Neither can hurt me and I am shrugging it off sending out a happy dis-position. I see this as a good thing as I am watching and learning exactly how our relationship is. She takes. I give. The internal anxiety I was feeling (like I am vibrating on the inside) is gone. The nightmares are gone. The negative feelings are gone. No longer get into arguments she creates, just shrug it off and go back to what I was doing previously. Thinking 1000% more about me and my happiness.
Last two days I have done really well staying regulated while my partner has gone "bonkers".

SonofThunder · December 16, 2022, 08:24:05 PM

A very warm welcome to you DragonsDen! Agree with you fully on Dr Ramani vids.

"The internal anxiety I was feeling (like I am vibrating on the inside)...." I also know that very well! You are not alone, but among fellow comrades who can empathize with you!

See you around the campfire discussions here at Out of the FOG, as we all walk this trail together.

SoT

InTheDragonsDen · December 16, 2022, 09:19:10 PM

The less I react the more she cycles between giving me the cold shoulder / anger / silent treatment and being nice / doing a bit more for me.
The frequency of cycling between these two is now several times a day. Yesterday was probably close to 10 times.
Like rocking a boat to get it to tip over. Rushing from side to side.

escapingman · December 17, 2022, 04:06:34 AM

Quote from: InTheDragonsDen on December 16, 2022, 09:19:10 PM
The less I react the more she cycles between giving me the cold shoulder / anger / silent treatment and being nice / doing a bit more for me.
The frequency of cycling between these two is now several times a day. Yesterday was probably close to 10 times.
Like rocking a boat to get it to tip over. Rushing from side to side.

That is exactly how STBX reacted to me stepping out of the drama triangle. She could do the full cycle (love bomb/rage/victim) in ten minutes and repeat it several times in an hour. I got dizzy just watching her.

Stay strong, you got this.

SonofThunder · December 17, 2022, 10:18:45 AM

Quote from: escapingman on December 17, 2022, 04:06:34 AM
Quote from: InTheDragonsDen on December 16, 2022, 09:19:10 PM
The less I react the more she cycles between giving me the cold shoulder / anger / silent treatment and being nice / doing a bit more for me.
The frequency of cycling between these two is now several times a day. Yesterday was probably close to 10 times.
Like rocking a boat to get it to tip over. Rushing from side to side.
That is exactly how STBX reacted to me stepping out of the drama triangle. She could do the full cycle (love bomb/rage/victim) in ten minutes and repeat it several times in an hour. I got dizzy just watching her.

Stay strong, you got this.

The pivot point for me was finally being educated enough to be able to mentally step outside of the F.O.G. in understanding, get off that rocking boat, and watch the PD rock that boat while I stood on the shoreline.

Yes, the waves created from that boat keep crashing on the shore where i stand, but at least i was out of the boat. Agree with EM on being able to get mentally high enough to recognize the entire drama triangle in it's entirety and also how it plays into the larger IDD cycles as a whole.

As DragonsDen said, the drama triangle can cycle quickly as the PD becomes confused and desperate as the non somehow stepped out of the foggy, rocking boat.

DragonsDen, lean heavily into the toolbox tab here at Out of the FOG and also into Dr Ramani's videos. Here's a link (at bottom) to her video on Devalue and Discard, which are two of the three-parts of the IDD cycle (Idealize, Devalue, Discard). Imo, the smaller objective and more frequently revolving drama triangle role dance is to get the non to keep complying when it looks as if the non is getting out of compliance.

Imo, compliance by the non either assists the PD into continuing the further deepening journey down the larger IDD cycle path, and its much grander compliance-objectives than the drama triangle motives, or it that grand compliance can signal the return by the PD back to the beginning of Idealize in the IDD. The non is allowed to calm down from the mayhem just long enough to rest-up for the next cycle by being idealized for the recent, large compliance goal of the PD as they accomplish something to assist them to feel better about themselves, at the Non's expense.

In my decades, the IDD grand objectives took about 2+ years, but the drama triangle could switch roles in moments and keep dancing, as the triangle was the bait and fuel for the confusion and hopeful compliance that furthered the larger objective of keeping me off-balance, overworked, under-slept, physically and mentally exhausted and my face barely above the waterline, so the PD could reach their intended self-objective.

As EM wrote "Stay strong, you got this". You are surely not alone.

SoT

https://youtu.be/Oik4IsgQ4uk

InTheDragonsDen · December 20, 2022, 03:48:49 AM

Thank you for writing. At times I feel the boat is sinking.

losingmyself · December 20, 2022, 12:31:58 PM

Just don't get back in the boat. Some days are easier than others, this is not an easy thing to do. It seems like you're doing a great job at stepping back and seeing what's going on. Good for you!

SonofThunder · December 21, 2022, 09:25:09 AM

Quote from: InTheDragonsDen on December 20, 2022, 03:48:49 AMThank you for writing. At times I feel the boat is sinking.

"At times" is the key to your statement. If it was "At ALL times"... you would have been gone a while ago. I encourage you to keep focusing on the intentional purposes of the IDD cycle and the drama triangle behaviors.

Understanding the end-to-end purposes, and recognizing exactly where you are along each cycle is key to enduring for those who are currently remaining in these chosen relationships. That 'calm' period keeps your head just above the waterline and recharges your batteries just enough to do it all over again. Wash-Rinse-Repeat...

Ime, it is possible, through staunch toolbox application and the addition of emotional indifference, to remain in a chosen relationship and remove oneself from the PD's cycles and drama-triangle dance. But also ime, the PD's very deep discard and covert manipulation that ensues when the non accomplishes this, takes a tremendous emotional (and therefore physical) toll on both the non AND the PD.

I believe the backbone of a chosen relationship with a PD is the purposeful IDD cycles and roles of both the PD and the non, that are structurally supporting the entire 'relationship' body. When the non removes him/herself from that role, the entire structure collapses. The original love-bombing phase was securing a host for the PD's emotions and other needs, and after the deep attachment is completed (connection deepened further by a legal marital contract, procreation, shared assets, dually connected families/friends), the IDD cycles begin.

Dr Ramani (and others) are so very good at teaching about these sad narcissistic relationships. I believe her use of 'narcissistic' as a blanket term is proper, no matter what cluster disorders a person may have, because narcissistic traits are at the core. The focus is always 'self' for PD's which need an emotional host.

Wishing you the best DragonsDen. You are not alone!

SoT

escapingman · December 21, 2022, 10:04:37 AM

The error we do, I did this for years, is to think it's all about the PD and trying to figure them out. It is all about us, every little bit, we are the person being played with by the PD and the PD is doing anything to get an emotional response from us. If we don't react, the PD has nothing and will move on in the end.

losingmyself · December 21, 2022, 11:49:43 AM

From SOT: "Understanding the end-to-end purposes, and recognizing exactly where you are along each cycle is key to enduring for those who are currently remaining in these chosen relationships. That 'calm' period keeps your head just above the waterline and recharges your batteries just enough to do it all over again. Wash-Rinse-Repeat...