I need help

[Cdance83]

My life has been piled with ongoing trauma that I tend to just tuck away... Growing up both my parents were alcoholics and my mom was diagnosed manic bipolar. I don't remember much about my childhood mainly them fighting and arguing until I was about 10 and my Dad had an affair and left... We didn't hear from him again for years. My mom fell into a depression and attempted suicide multiple times and always said it was my fault. Until were met a man and left.. I spent some years in group homes and foster care until I moved back home with my mom and her then husband. Who was also an alcoholic and abusive.. Hanging with the wrong crowd I decided to drink one night and was slipped something I only remember getting really sick then waking up to a stranger on top of me and I was frozen...Eventually when I was 16 I moved in with my kids father. Who for the most part was a decent person there was some abuse but not as bad as what I'm going through now. After 3 kids he got sick with acute myloid leukemia we spent 2 years in the hospital until he passed away followed by the majority of my family leaving only me and my kids...I got married to someone not long after him passing who was very controlling. We had 2 kids and He ended up on drugs I finally left and went through him stalking me and threatening my life on the daily. After we split he ended up killing someone and is now serving 40 years in prison... I'm going to skip some and explain what's going on now to the best of my ability. I have been with my current husband for 5 years.. at first he was perfect and the moment we moved in with each other everything changed... Ive had at least 15 black eyes a broke finger been shot with pellet guns bad my life threatened too many times to count. I've had a gun to my head with an empty clip While he pulled the trigger to see my reaction. I didn't know the clip was empty. But in my mind things werent well that bad the emotional abuse had been 10,000 times worse from everything I do being scrutinised being told I was too fat then I was 165 5'6" now I'm 129. I wasn't a good enough mother my house wasn't clean enough mind you my house by most people standards is spotless. Every boundary I had he broke. He cheats and says I have too accept him for who he is if I love him and I do but then everything gets worse im not allowed too feel my emotions around him and if i journal im on some sad a** sh** he would say.. Im not allowed to cry or speak on how I feel... Im trying to be perfect and its still not enough and I keep trying what's wrong with me??? have too go for now I'm exhausted y'all have a great night

[xredshoesx]

Gentle hugs to you Cdance83

So much of your story has been my story.  From being raised in a home where violence/ addiction were the norm, to repeating the pattern in one of my relationships as an adult.

Your post about your situation is concerning and I do hope you are being careful to not allow your husband access to your browser or phone history.

Have you considered reaching out to a DV agency? They can help you prepare and plan an escape and I would not recommend doing it without help. Please call 911 if you need to.

Here are some links that might help you make some decisions.

Here is a link on creating a Safety Plan or Kit and a checklist for leaving:
http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/safety-planning-for-abusive-situations.html

Personal Safety
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/ensure-your-own-personal-safety

Put Children First
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first

To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE Justify Argue Defend Explain
http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Keep reading and posting! Please give us an update when you can. We are here for you.

[goldtracedcloud]

Please know that you are worth so much more than this and none of it is your fault.   You are not alone.  You deserve to feel loved, cherished, and safe.  I hope you can find a safe way to remove your self from this situation.  Sending you courage and strength. 

[Gwendolyn]

Cdance83

Welcome to the Out of the FOG Forum.  We were all newcomers at one time. While no one can claim to understand your individual situation completely,  we do know the overwhelming emotions and realizations that drove us to find some help and understanding...and we found ourselves here.

You are an incredibly strong woman and mother.  You have endured so much to provide a home and family life for your children the best way you can given the circumstances. 

You are not alone and you can take tiny steps to appreciate and admire your own courage and strength.  Abusers try to make us think we are crazy, that we talk nonsense and that nobody will believe us or take us seriously.  They also seem to have a finely tuned radar that picks up on our moods and they become more difficult and demanding when we are happy or showing signs of self-confidence and personal growth.

Knowing what you know about your partner please be very careful as you decide your next steps. 

There are safe houses for women and children where you can receive some counseling and advice and it would be wise to maybe go go a library and use one of their computers and printers to print out some of these addresses and phone numbers.   

There is no 'right way' to proceed my dear woman and I wish I could be more helpful.  I would say that being able to talk to a distress center or domestic violence outreach officer with your local police force might be wise.  Where I live domestic violence is on the rise and there are female police officers who will meet with women confidentially and in plain clothes so they can learn about your situation and be ready to help you leave home safely or intervene in a bad situation.  Your partner doesn't need to know but having that initial contact could be very useful.
Again. I am indignant that you are suffering this trama and only you will know the safest next steps.  Don't feel guilty for not being willing to accept the way he treats you anymore.

You have tried everything to make this relationship work. That's obvious.  Your health and safety is your top responsibility.  You will be the parent who is there for your children in the days and weeks and months ahead....so long as you stay safe and healthy.   

Take care of the basics (sleep, exercise, regular mealtimes, lots of water, vitamins etc) and recognize how tough and righteous you are deep down inside.

Take care of yourself and keep seeking help and ideas.  There will  be better days ahead sister.

You have a lot to be proud of. Never give up.

Hugs,

Gwendolyn

[Latchkey]

Hi Cdance83,

Here is an updated link for you for information on leaving an abusive relationship. Please be careful and keep us posted as you are able.
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship